by Azdgari » August 23rd, 2010, 12:02 am
Very nice, QOPR! This story clearly reflects your raw writing creativity born of RPGing, featuring some wonderful descriptions and interactions. However, it suffers from a few 'housekeeping' errors (though I'm happy to say it improves with each chapter!)
One thing is what WS said--you need a space after punctuation! This alone will make your story looks immensely cleaner and much more professional. It seems almost strange--you use wonderful descriptions and imagery then skimp on the basic rules of grammar. Just a simple check through would bring your story to a much better place.
Also, you need a break when speakers switch! Otherwise, our eyes explode. x3
So, above, [quote]Jelani merely blinked,unable to believe what he was seeing.
"B..Buru!?"
"Yep! It's me!" His little brother exclaimed cheerfully,his warm little tongue eagerly licking his muzzle. "Oh Jelani,I thought I'd never see you again! It was all dark out here and I was so scared,I kept hearing things and..it was so scary,Jelani,I..."
"Buru."
The cub immediately fell silent.
"Yes?"
"Have you been sleeping out here?"
He smiled.
"Yeah! And that was very brave of me,wasn't it? I remembered one time when you and I were out walking,and.."
"I told you to stay inside the den."
"Oh. Well,I.."
"You disobeyed me,that's what!" Jelani growled, "What if I hadn't found you? You could have been killed out here,Buru!"
Buru looked down.
"I'm sorry." He whispered,his mood noticably dampened.
"Whatever." Jelani snorted,about to say something more harsh,but deciding against it. "C'mon. Let's go home." He muttered. Buru gazed at him for a while,his mouth open as if he was trying to put a sudden thought into words. Wondering,perhaps,whether he should utter it at all.[/quote]
->
[quote]Jelani merely blinked, unable to believe what he was seeing. "B..Buru!?"
"Yep! It's me!" His little brother exclaimed cheerfully ,his warm little tongue eagerly licking his muzzle. "Oh Jelani, I thought I'd never see you again! It was all dark out here and I was so scared, I kept hearing things and... it was so scary, Jelani, I..."
"Buru." The cub immediately fell silent.
"Yes?"
"Have you been sleeping out here?"
He smiled. "Yeah! And that was very brave of me,wasn't it? I remembered one time when you and I were out walking, and.."
"I told you to stay inside the den."
"Oh. Well, I.."
"You disobeyed me, that's what!" Jelani growled, "What if I hadn't found you? You could have been killed out here, Buru!"
Buru looked down. "I'm sorry." He whispered, his mood noticably dampened.
"Whatever." Jelani snorted, about to say something more harsh,but deciding against it. "C'mon. Let's go home." He muttered. Buru gazed at him for a while, his mouth open as if he was trying to put a sudden thought into words. Wondering, perhaps, whether he should utter it at all.[/quote]
Muuuuch better. =]
The story has a load of potential and, with a bit more attention to the basics, this could end up becoming quite an impressive work! I'll be looking out for more, QOPR! ^^
[center][spoiler=Guess the Member with Kitva Hyperlink]"Hates me
Nothing but facts
Male"
"...Woeler?"
"ya"[/center][/spoiler]