Eternity

[AdAstrα]

So..this is my first Lion King related fanfic =) And I'd love to hear what you guys think of it. A bit of constructive criticism would be nice =] But no bashing please,lol. Be nice.


(OC Profile: viewtopic.php?f=38&t=10552)


Prologue
"No!"
The lioness screamed as her frail body hit the ground,tufts of golden fur flying in every direction. Slightly disoriented,she gazed up at the lion before her; imtimidatingly large,his yellow eyes wild and malicious,his muscles bulging beneath the dark pelt. She made a desperate attempt to stand up,to somehow escape this nightmare,but it was no use. Heavy paws seemed to crush every last one of her bones as he struck her with the force of a raging elephant,sharp teeth embedding in her flesh. The pain was unendurable,shockingly scarlet blood running down her forehead into her eyes,with which she could no longer see anything but blurred images of a dark male lion leaning over her,his teeth bared,his breaths deep and booming. She blinked and gazed up towards the crimson sky,before everything went black and she drifted off into the eternal slumber,from which no one has ever been known to awake.

[AdAstrα]

Chapter One

"Jelani..."
He had sensed his brother's presence before he had spoken. How he did not know,for the den was pitch-dark and Buru's small paws made no noise as they trod the dry ground,nor did his breaths come out in anything but little puffs,barely audible through the whining of the wind shaking the treetops outside.

Jelani turned over,letting out a growl of annoyance in order to clearly display his disapproval. The stupid cub should know better than to come sneaking up on him in the middle of the night. What would he be doing that for,anyway? Could he not simply accept the fact that he couldn't get his way all the time?
"Jelani,please..please wake up!"
His voice cracked and moments later,the little one began to weep uncontrollably. Jelani leapt to his feet,looking around,seeing nothing but solid darkness at first but eventually being able to spot his brother where he sat hunched in a corner.
"Buru,what..what is it?" He gasped,staring at him in horror, "Why are you crying? Are you...did you have a bad dream again?" he said,cursing his own foolishness the moment the words had left his tongue; Buru wouldn't ever cry over something so silly.
"No." the cub whispered,shaking his head, "I can't find mom!"

Jelani felt his stomach lurch. "Are you..are you sure,Buru?" he asked,his voice trembling slightly. "Quite sure?"
"Yes!" his brother cried,tears streaming down his face, "She said she'd be back before sunset but it's in the middle of the night and she's..she's not back yet,Jelani."
Jelani's heart began to pound violently inside his chest.The whining of the wind seemed to grow louder,increase in strength and turn into howls of despair,much like the ones Buru was now uttering.

Their mother would never break a promise. She had sworn to always be truthful to them the day their father died,a long while ago when Buru was only an infant. Jelani knew she would stop at nothing to keep a promise she had made her youngest son. Something was wrong,terribly wrong.
"Buru,I need you to stay,right here. Do not follow me." He said,looking into his big,brown eyes.
"Where are you going?"
Jelani looked down. "I'm going to go and look for mother." He bowed down,giving his little head a gentle nuzzle, "I'll be back before you know it. Try not to worry." he added in a whisper,knowing this would be way easier said than done for him,but hoping he would at least try. He glanced at his brother one last time before he stepped out into the night,quivering from head to toe.

Buru watched Jelani leave,terrified that he,too,would disappear and never come back again. He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep,but all he could think of was his mother,who must be somewhere out there,perhaps just as lonely and scared as he was. After tossing and turning for what felt like several hours,he looked up,half expecting someone to have appeared right next to him in the darkness. But nobody came. He was all alone and most importantly,he was worrying. Buru stood up,and without thinking,he began to slowly walk out of the den.

[Arani]

Great job so far, Tammy!

Only thing I would suggest is that you double space paragraphs so it's easier to read... but other than that, it's great! Can't wait to read more!

[AdAstrα]

Thanks! I'll try to remember that next time

Chapter Two is coming soon!

[thelionking95]

nice work..love it..

[WildSimba]

This has a very good flow to it thus far. The only thing I can suggest really is to extend out the time in the outlands slighty. It'd be cool if a fan-fiction would actually describe how horrible it is living in the pridelands, instead of sugar-coating as it usually does. And if you'd add a space between your punctuation, sorry if it seems to be mean to point this out, but it does get slightly annoying having to read two words only split with a comma in the middle. I know it's a common mistake, but it can kind of take from the story. If you ever need someone to double check, I'd be willing to help you, not that I'm that great at it eigther. LOL

Other then that, it has a very good premise, and I hope it extends into an even better, and thoughtful story from one of the most creative mind on this forum. Good luck in this story, and I'll definately follow as you write.

[AdAstrα]

Thanks for the advice,I'm aware of the fact that my punctuation tends to get messed up in some places and I'll try my best to improve it =] I'll also think about what you said regarding life in the Outlands,I want that part to be as realistic as possible.

[AdAstrα]

Chapter Two

"Grrrrr!"

The little one growled as he lunged at a bush,succesfully defeating an imaginary foe. He was the king of the world; brave,strong and invincible and he was not afraid of the solid darkness surrounding him,nor the many hazards lurking in the shadows. His one mission was to defend his kingdom this treacherous night,and to find his brother,who had been captured and held hostage by the unknown pride of a faraway land.

Wandering futher and further away from his den,the king spotted movement in the grass before him.
"Show yourself,stranger,or I shall rip you apart!" he exclaimed.
The tuft of dry,yellow grass remained quite still.
Buru listened carefully and recognised the movement as scurrying - of mice or something else rather small and presumably edible.
He crept closer with the grace and determination of a hunter,and once he was close enough,he pounced the tuft. The mouse squeaked as she realised she had been detected,however there was nowhere for her to run; the mighty king had cornered his prey. Buru charged at the mouse and devoured it rapidly. It tasted simply marvelous,for he hadn't eaten in quite a while.

Very pleased with himself,he kept on walking. He rather enjoyed being a king, even if it was only a game. A game to prevent him from worrying about his family while he looked for them, to make him feel a little bit braver than he would otherwise. Surely,being a real king would be even better still. But there was no king in the Outlands. There had never been. Maybe that was why everyone kept fighting,Buru thought to himself. Because there wasn't any king who could tell them what to do?

He was just about to continue his mission by fighting an elephant in the shape of a small rock when a sudden noise caught his attention. It did not take long before he realised what it was: large paws treading on dried leaves.

His heart lurched as a huge lion walked right past him,dark in colour and with vivid,yellow eyes. He did not appear to notice Buru where he stood,which was a good thing indeed; he looked as if he could have swallowed him whole.
Buru felt a shiver down his spine as the long,bushy tail brushed his face. There was something eerie about the way he was baring his teeth for no apparent reason. Was he sensing the presence of another,much younger lion,even though he could not see him?

Buru watched the lion until he had completely vanished out of sight. He then began to walk,trying not to make a sound in case there were other dangerous creatures nearby. He had survived his first encounter with a rogue, but it had left him somewhat gobsmacked and he no longer felt brave. He was scared and lonely,and even worse: he had no idea where he was. The path on which he had been walking appeared to have vanished,he would never be able to find his way back home now. His eyes filled up with tears as it occured to him that he was lost,lost in the middle of nowhere with no one to help him out.
"Jelani...? Jelani,where are you?" the cub sniffled silently,knowing it would be rather impossible for his brother to hear him,even if he wasn't too far away.

Sitting down,he took a deep breath,glancing up at the starry sky. A silvery moonbeam shone down upon his face,making him feel strangely empty inside. He found himself wondering,like so many times before,why the sky was always so far away,why he could not simply reach out and grab the refulgent sphere ahead of him.

[AdAstrα]

Chapter Three

No.

He smelled the mangled body before he saw it. Curled up in the grass; the sandy beige pelt bloodstained, the blue eyes wide open. An expression of horror and pain still etched upon her face.

"No!"

Jelani's heart stopped beating. He couldn't breathe. He was going to die on the spot, tears of regret choking him slowly and painfully. He didn't even care. This was all his fault, if he had gone with her this would never have happened..he could have helped her. Saved her. But it was too late now. Too late to do anything.

Out of pure desperation, he called her name. Nuzzled her forehead, stared into her eyes and waited for some sort of sign. But it never came. Those eyes would never beam at him again, for they could not see him. Her body was nothing but a shell now. A shell; stiff,cold and unknowing. Her soul had taken flight to somewhere far away, where Jelani could never speak to it again.

His grief was soon replaced by fury as he spotted pawprints in the earth. Another lion had done this. A peer? A fellow Outlander? Jelani did not know, nor did he want to find out. Laying down beside his mother's body, he surrended to the tears once more. Warm and gentle they ran down his cheeks, like little raindrops of pain and despair.

He lay there in the dry grass until morning came. Until the sun rose; innocently beaming at him from behind the mountains. The crimson sky still sprinkled with rapidly fading stars, he began the long walk home, his heart heavy with sorrow and regret. He thought of his father, who had died so long ago he barely remembered him anymore, and of his mother; murdered by a stranger far away from home. Were they reunited now, wherever they were? Would they wait for him?

"Ouch!"

He felt something small and furry stir quickly underneath his paw and the next thing he knew, he was lying on the ground. Face down, his nostrils filled with dust. Jelani leapt to his feet, sneezing and trying to comprehend what on earth had just happened, eventually realising that he had tripped over something. Something small and dark that was now peering at him from behind a dry bush.

He was just about to turn around and continue his walk when the creature let out an ear-splitting scream of delight and burst upon him. It wasn't until then that it occured to Jelani that it was a little lion, or more specifically; a dark little lion with big,brown eyes.
"Jelani! Jelani! I found you! I FOUND YOU!" it cried, evidently overjoyed at the sight of him.

Jelani merely blinked, unable to believe what he was seeing. "B..Buru!?"

"Yep! It's me!" His little brother exclaimed cheerfully, his warm little tongue eagerly licking his muzzle. "Oh Jelani, I thought I'd never see you again! It was all dark out here and I was so scared, I kept hearing things and..it was so scary, Jelani, I..."

"Buru."

The cub immediately fell silent.

"Yes?"

"Have you been sleeping out here?"

He smiled.

"Yeah! And that was very brave of me, wasn't it? I remembered one time when you and I were out walking, and.."

"I told you to stay inside the den."

"Oh. Well,I.."

"You disobeyed me, that's what!" Jelani growled, "What if I hadn't found you? You could have been killed out here, Buru!"

Buru looked down.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, his mood noticably dampened.

"Whatever." Jelani snorted, about to say something more harsh,but deciding against it.

"C'mon. Let's go home." He muttered. Buru gazed at him for a while, his mouth open as if he was trying to put a sudden thought into words. Wondering, perhaps ,whether he should utter it at all.

Home. Where is home? Jelani thought as he scanned the vast landscape. Seeing nothing but death anywhere. Death; brutal and unforgiving.

[Azdgari]

Very nice, QOPR! This story clearly reflects your raw writing creativity born of RPGing, featuring some wonderful descriptions and interactions. However, it suffers from a few 'housekeeping' errors (though I'm happy to say it improves with each chapter!)

One thing is what WS said--you need a space after punctuation! This alone will make your story looks immensely cleaner and much more professional. It seems almost strange--you use wonderful descriptions and imagery then skimp on the basic rules of grammar. Just a simple check through would bring your story to a much better place.

Also, you need a break when speakers switch! Otherwise, our eyes explode. x3
So, above, [quote]Jelani merely blinked,unable to believe what he was seeing.
"B..Buru!?"
"Yep! It's me!" His little brother exclaimed cheerfully,his warm little tongue eagerly licking his muzzle. "Oh Jelani,I thought I'd never see you again! It was all dark out here and I was so scared,I kept hearing things and..it was so scary,Jelani,I..."
"Buru."
The cub immediately fell silent.
"Yes?"
"Have you been sleeping out here?"
He smiled.
"Yeah! And that was very brave of me,wasn't it? I remembered one time when you and I were out walking,and.."
"I told you to stay inside the den."
"Oh. Well,I.."
"You disobeyed me,that's what!" Jelani growled, "What if I hadn't found you? You could have been killed out here,Buru!"
Buru looked down.
"I'm sorry." He whispered,his mood noticably dampened.
"Whatever." Jelani snorted,about to say something more harsh,but deciding against it. "C'mon. Let's go home." He muttered. Buru gazed at him for a while,his mouth open as if he was trying to put a sudden thought into words. Wondering,perhaps,whether he should utter it at all.[/quote]

->

[quote]Jelani merely blinked, unable to believe what he was seeing. "B..Buru!?"

"Yep! It's me!" His little brother exclaimed cheerfully ,his warm little tongue eagerly licking his muzzle. "Oh Jelani, I thought I'd never see you again! It was all dark out here and I was so scared, I kept hearing things and... it was so scary, Jelani, I..."

"Buru." The cub immediately fell silent.

"Yes?"

"Have you been sleeping out here?"

He smiled. "Yeah! And that was very brave of me,wasn't it? I remembered one time when you and I were out walking, and.."

"I told you to stay inside the den."

"Oh. Well, I.."

"You disobeyed me, that's what!" Jelani growled, "What if I hadn't found you? You could have been killed out here, Buru!"

Buru looked down. "I'm sorry." He whispered, his mood noticably dampened.

"Whatever." Jelani snorted, about to say something more harsh,but deciding against it. "C'mon. Let's go home." He muttered. Buru gazed at him for a while, his mouth open as if he was trying to put a sudden thought into words. Wondering, perhaps, whether he should utter it at all.[/quote]
Muuuuch better. =]
The story has a load of potential and, with a bit more attention to the basics, this could end up becoming quite an impressive work! I'll be looking out for more, QOPR! ^^