Trials In The Pridelands

[KingKovu44]

Here is the fic version of my RP. Thanks to everyone who's participated in this long-running RP. This is dedicated to all of you. It's been very fun. I will update at my leisure. No bashing or flaming please.
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Trials In The Pridelands


Chapter 1

The reign of Ahadi and Uru had ended. Mufasa and Sarabi now ruled the Pridelands. All of the denizens of the savannah were abuzz with the current news that Queen Sarabi would soon deliver the royal heir. Mufasa and Sarabi were very happy.

However, things were not as pleasant as they seemed. Mufasa’s jealous brother, Scar, and his mentally unstable mate, Zira, were expecting a cub of their own, and were making a plot to rule Pride Rock themselves.

These are the trials in the Pridelands.

[Kina]

Well, I'm not familiar with your roleplay, but I'll review on what we have. Which is unfortunately not much. I'd first of all suggest adding a little meat to your chapters, because right now they're bare bones. Also - show, don't tell. This is one of the most important lessons in writing you'll ever receive. Paint the scene so the reader feels immersed, so they feel as if they're looking into the scene or even better, part of it. Think of what's going on. What tense you're writing in (first, second, third, etc) and what type (narrative, omniscient and the like). Think about sensory detail. What notable things are happening in that? Describe it.

And I have one more thing to comment on in this short critique: Tense skipping. Your first two paragraphs are in past tense, so the last sentence - which is in present tense - should read "There were trials in the Pridelands."

But, I'll stick around to see what tale you've woven. I'm sure it has potential to it.

[KingKovu44]

Well, this was just an intro. The next part will begin the actual story, where Simba is presented and the plot begins.

[Kina]

All right, then. Good luck with the story. ^^

[KingKovu44]

Yeah, I haven't written full chapter stories in quite some time, so I'm trying to ease myself back into it slowly. Thanks for the help!

[Kina]

No problem! If you want, I can keep critiquing as you go.

[KingKovu44]

Well, just if you see something that you feel needs it. For now, the plot is the same as the RP: Vitani, the daughter of Scar and Zira, is adopted by Mufasa and Sarabi at birth and is raised as Simba's sister.

[Kina]

Well, we'll see how the writing itself pans out. Good luck, KK. ^^

[KingKovu44]

Ok. I don't know when I'll update though.

[Kina]

No worries. I'm extremely slow on story output too (blame my ADHD muse that goes "Oh! Shiny!" with every new idea I get ... Which is several a week).