Now, we are one.

[FlipMode]

Okay so as many of you know, I am usually a pretty avid video game player. But with PSN being down, and not coming back any time soon, I have had an abundance of free time. It was either loose my mind, or use my free time constructively to get back into creative writing and what not. To cut a long story short, here is chapter one of a story which I am working on, will update with new chapters as and when they are done but feel free to comment in between if you like.

Chapter One: A light in the dark

Silence shrouded the Pride Lands as the sun was setting, it was another peaceful day with not a sound audible save for the echoing of the various calls of wild animals. Simba made his way into the den of Pride Rock to join Nala, he laid down beside her as the two of them gazed through the gap of Pride rock, the sun shined through the entrance the the cove, illuminating the room slightly.

"It's been done" said Simba to his mate.
"Okay..." Nala said softly, and she turned her head to face Simba. "I just can't believe it came down to this." And she nuzzled him.
"It had to be done" He replied in a confident tone, although he seemed to be longing for a reason to believe in what he himself was saying.
"Right." Said Narla, aas she continued to nuzzle him reassuringly.

The sun had now completely set on the Pride Lands and it's surrounding area, gone had the sounds of it's inhabitants, replaced with the chirping of various roaming insects to a majestic image as the moon lightly illuminated a clear black sky, littered with stars.
A lion with dark brown fur roamed the desert, his fur was scruffy and not well groomed, and his yellow eyes lit among the darkness. A single feature established him from most other lions, a chunk in tuft of his tale was missing seemingly it had been bitten or at least scratched out.
With each step he took, dust arose from the area surrounding his paws. He had the physical appearance of an outlander lion, skinny in physicality from possible food deprivation in comparison to the Pride Lander counterparts.

He carried on along his pre set path before spotting something in the distance, upon which he began leaping toward it.
Once he had arrived beside it, he examined it a bit, it was a young light brown lion cub, with a brown young tuft of hair for his growing mane.
The older lion smiled to himself at the discovery. And began thinking to himself, he often spoke to himself softly in these situations, he leant down and scooped the unconscious lion cub onto his back. And he then began making his way back from the way that he came

"Oh Tahsin, you have really outdone yourself this time." The lion spoke to himself, whilst traversing the desert. And he briefly looked back into the face of the young lion cub, who was still not awake. "You. You are our saviour, yes you will do just fine." he smirked and started making his way quicker toward his destination. Which was now visible, a dark and shadowy place, re-sculptured from elements of the abandoned Elephant Graveyard, which had been inhabited by hyenas previously.

"Welcome to your new home, young one. He said to himself, he seemed to be amusing himself somehow.

[Kopalover]

I like it! Please write more! It's very interesting, and it has a lot of great detail! I wanna read more of this story. It's interesting.

[DGFone]

Very nice! Certainly entertaining, a good read, and thoughtful. The only complaint I have against it is the length: I only got it after 3 or so read-overs, and even then, it's mostly connecting dots (which for anyone who ever used a GPS - not a good way to figure things out).

Spoiler: show

The way I got it, Simba and Nala had to abandon a cub (reason unexplained) and a rogue discovered the cub.
Did I get it correctly, or do I need to re-map my interpretation?

[FlipMode]

Length? As in it was too long or short?
Also, yes you got it spot on. But that is my style of writing, I do not do prologues and that sort of stuff, and like the reason some stuff is unexplained is because I do not like to reveal too many things straight from the get go. At one point it will be explained why the cub was there though yes ^^.

And thanks for the positive comments thus far.

[DGFone]

Cool! But yes, you do write well, even I don't necessarily agree with your discloser of information style.

[FlipMode]

Chapter 2: Your New Home

As the young lion cub opened his eyes, he awoke and regained his senses. To see his capturer sitting at the other side of the cove he had awakened in.

“He is awake.” Spoke a nearby female lion, her voice sounded like it belonged to a young adult lioness.
Tahsin turned around to face the young cub.

“Do I make a run for it? Or play along and sneak out?” The thoughts and choices ran though the head of the young lion cub.

Tahsin examined the cub he captured; the cub’s appearance was pretty typical for a young lion cub. He had brown fur, but it was lighter than most of the outlanders, followed up by a darker brown tuft of fur on his head, and brown eyes to compliment. Tahsin recognised the cub, he had captured Simba’s cub, the king of the Pridelands who had recently banished Tahsin and his followers to the Outlands. The cub’s name was Kopa, prince Kopa, the name was known by all animals far and wide of Africa at this point.
“You, you are the prince!” Tahsin shouted, “Oh this is so perfect! Hey, you like to play games, right kid?” He asked, excitedly. He was usually very calm, and pulled the strings of the outlander’s plots with evil precision.

“I’m not in the mood, for games.” The cub answered back, in a defiant voice. “Don’t you know who I am?” He began raising his voice, with the almost rhetorical sounding question.

“But of course I do. You are my future king after all, Your majesty.” Tahsin replied slightly sarcastically.

“Then let me go, I am trying to find someone.” Kopa was surprisingly calm considering the situation; he always tried to be brave in front of his friends, so much so that it had become natural for him.

“We can help you!” Tahsin replied in a sharper tone. The outlanders had been keeping a close eye on events that had unravelled in the Pridelands, by utilising their hunting skills to watch over the other parts of the land. “You are trying to find your father, and you want re-“ he had continued but his sentence was cut off by Kopa’s.

“Revenge!” He shouted with intent, and extended his claws out from his paws, as he stood to his feet.”

“Good!” Tahsin retorted. “So what will it be?” He asked.

“I will find him, and I will find him myself!” Kopa answered, as strong as ever.

“And then you will be taking on the Pridelands by yourself, how does that fit into your plans?” Tahsin asked, knowing full well that even the strongest of lions could never succeed the task. “Search your thoughts, you know you can’t do it alone.” He continued.

Kopa looked down at the floor and let out an audible sigh. He looked around the well let, but damp cove. Glancing at the lions and lionesses that surrounded the walls. “Okay, you’re right” he said, reluctantly.

“Great!” Tahsin was delighted at Kopa’s reaction, although he had anticipated it. He smiled at the young cub he had recruited, with an evil grin. “Now. Come with me! I will introduce you to your new family, you have much to learn, Kopa.”

“And you will lead me to my farther?” Kopa asked him, slightly angrily, and yet he sounded accepting, like this was somehow fated to happen.

Tahsin smiled at him in response and said “You stick with us, you will get your revenge.” He threw a piece of Hippo meat toward Kopa, who had not eaten for a while now. “And more!” He continued.
Kopa took some bites from the food in a vicious manner.

He then looked up at Tahsin. “Let’s go!” He said excitedly.

“Good lad. Come, follow me.” And the lion began to walk out from the cove and into the vanilla light emerging from the evening sky. Kopa followed behind.

[Azdgari]

Glad to see you're making good on your new usergroup, Fip! One thing I'm enjoying about this is that you didn't exactly spell out what happened to Kopa (although I assume he was abandoned). It gives an air of mystery, and more importantly, it helps us to villainize Simba and Nala and relate more to the main character Kopa. I would hope it's elaborated on at some point, but for now, I don't think we need to know any more about Simba and Nala except that Kopa is righteous in wanting revenge. I'm interested in where Kopa will take this, and also a little curious... why was Kopa so quick to be so angry and want revenge? Was there a precursor to this? It seems like a big jump. I'm sure it'll all be explained, and I can't wait to see what the story is.

A few things to look out for on just the mechanical level: first of all, when you have dialogue, periods inside of the dialogue become commas. It's really confusing, but basically

[quote]"It's been done" said Simba to his mate.[/quote]

Becomes

[quote]"It's been done," said Simba to his mate.[/quote]

and

[quote]"Right." Said Narla, aas she continued to nuzzle him reassuringly.[/quote]

Should be

[quote]"Right," Said Narla, as she continued to nuzzle him reassuringly.[/quote]

Look out for sentence fragments and minor typos too, and look out for unnecessary commas. And also (I'm the biggest victim of this and I'm stillll going through my fics and taking it out) is repeating the obvious. For example, "his fur was scruffy and not well groomed". Yes, scruffy means not well groomed. There's no need to use two words that mean the same thing. Similarly, "As the young lion cub opened his eyes, he awoke and regained his senses.". Opening your eyes, awaking, and regaining your senses all mean the same thing. There's no need to state all three of them.

I'm throwing out a lot of critique because I'm genuinely interested in your fic so far and since it seems like you're dedicated to writing now, I'm holding you to a very high standard. So great work thus far, and I can't wait to see more from you Fip! ^^

[FlipMode]

Thanks for the comment Az! The point about the plot, is that it will be explained through out the story, I always liked filling in blanks through the plot as it progresses and those kinds of stories always appealed to me more so that influenced my style I guess.

And thanks again, for the other tips. I just got done telling you on MSN why I appreciate those, so I am going to cut this off here for now =D