A Tale of Changes [TLK continuation]

[changa]

[quote="Kopalover"]I love your way of writing skills! You wrote so much! I love the story line and how well planned out it seems and all the new characters you brought in!
Keep going![/quote]

Agreed times ∞!
You brought in the characters really well! It blended with the story, and you don't have too many. Your sentences aren't choppy (unlike mine,) and overall, you just did a nice job. 100/10

[Zoketi]

Thanks! I did think I had too many characters, but I need them all.

[Azdgari]

This looks really good so far, Zoketi! I have one request--can you put in line breaks in between paragraphs? It makes things a whole lot easier to read. I'm seeing some excellent writing in here, but the formatting just needs a bit of touching up. :3

[Zoketi]

Oh sure. I usually do that, but I'll go fix it right now. Thanks! :3

[Azdgari]

Ahh, worlds better! I've gone through your whole story and I'll start with pretty much the biggest compliment a writer can get: I'm hooked! I'm interested and I want to know what's going to happen between Hashiki and Kumi and their little forbidden friendship. It's very reminiscent of Kovu and Kiara, but that's not a bad thing! Your grammar and writing skill are both commendable. A few typos and grammar errors here and there, but for the most part it looks great.

Since you've got the mechanics down, I would say the thing to work on is your characterization, which is especially important because you have so many characters! That's not a bad thing, but you have to give each of the their own personality and their own reason to be a part of the story. In terms of how Kovu and Kiara are acting, I would recommend giving Simba's Pride another viewing (I watch the movies practically nightly when I'm writing canon characters) so you can hone in on their characters a little more. I would say you have both of them pegged as a little more formal than they are. I can't really imagine Kovu or Kiara using language like "You may come, Kovu.”, “I must fetch Akili.”, What shall we call them?”. They talk more informally, with more contractions. On the note of Kovu, why did he object so violently to Hashiki being queen? I was confused when you didn't follow up. Just a loose end I want to make sure you're aware of.

Just some constructive critique to keep in mind! Keep up the good work, Zoketi, this is excellent stuff. ^^

[Zoketi]

Thank you so much! I'll try and work on that stuff. And there's no problem watching the movie. <333

[Zoketi]

Chapter 7

~few months later

Hashiki woke to bright sunlight pouring in the cave. She could tell that she had slept in late again, and yawned widely. Most of the cave was empty, only Marjani, Lumbwi, Erevu, and a few lionesses were still sleeping. The rest of the lionesses must have either gone hunting or were basking outside. Hashiki swallowed another yawn and stood, stretching her back legs.

She trotted out of the cave, spotting numerous lionesses lying on the scattered stones. Hashiki pattered down to the bottom, halting and giving her ear a quick scratch. She shook her head, peering around for her sister and parents, and spotted Kovu walking in the distance, seemingly alone. Hashhiki pondered if for a moment, then Kiara appeared from behind a tree and loped over to Kovu. Hashiki watched her parents race for a bit, and went of to find Malika.

Hashiki sniffed, hoping her sister was near. She felt bored, and just wanted to spend some sibling time together. Hashiki drew in Malika's scent, though it was mixed with Abasi's. With a sigh, the gray brown lioness trotted forwards.

She turned around a rock, and saw Malika lying in the grass beside Abasi. Feeling slightly annoyed, Hashiki quickly backed up and plodded away, missing Kumi more than ever. She found a cozy spot besides an overhanging tree, and sat down, bored.

Hashiki let a huff of breath escape her jaws. Kumi's face swam in her head, smiling shyly at her. Hashiki shook her head. She couldn't go see him now. The young lioness watched the distance for a bit, focusing on something moving closer.

Hashiki blinked, her thoughts sliding away. There was something, coming closer every second. Hashiki hopped off the rock, trotting away. She started to run, heading for her parents. "Mother, Father!" She called, hoping she wasn't making a fuss over something small.

Kiara glanced over at her daughter, halting in her running. Kovu skidded to a stop, turning around. "Hashiki, what's wrong?" Kiara asked, coming over to her.

"There's something-or things, coming from over there." Hashiki blurted out. "Towards Pride Rock."

Kiara followed her daughter's gaze, as did Kovu. She opened her mouth, staring. "Oh." Kiara began to head towards Pride Rock. "Let's go back." She began to rush off, with Kovu and Hashiki following.

They reached Pride Rock, where Hashiki's parents padded up into the cave. Hashiki glanced back, at the distant shape. It looked like a cloud of dust, probably from whatever was running. She sat down on a rock, watching with narrowed eyes.

[Azdgari]

Pretty short, but good to see where things are headed. Could this be Kumi?

[Zoketi]

Maybe. ^_^ And thanks.

[Zoketi]

Sorry haven't posted the next chapter in a while, haven't been in a writing mood. Hopefully will get it here soon! ^^