The Great fight of the kings

The Great fight of the kings

Postby TheLionQueen » May 30th, 2011, 6:21 am

It was a calm summer day in Africa everything was quiet a few lioness hunting and a few males sleeping the cubs playing near the waterhole and the herds and livestock started to feel the ground shake, Everyone felt the instinct to run they all did the male lions grabbed the cubs and ran the lioness even helped the zebra get out of the way so she could run the herds stampeded towards the mountains,
Mufasa had joined the great kings not long ago but they already started fighting about who does what and who was gonna guide Simba.

"I say we let Mufasa guide his clueless son",
"well I say we send Mohatu the eldest king from the pridelands!"

Mufasa heard two past king yelling at each other, everytime a king yelled thunder and lightning struck."I want to guide Simba!" Uru said walking into the picture. All the kings bowed and said together, "Uru your majesty. Good Morning." The kings stood as Uru nuzzled Mufasa, "My son, I am sad to see you here, Simba is a cub and he isn't even in the pridelands!" Uru shouted in shock. "Mother if you must know, Taka killed me." Mufasa replied to his mother looking down at his paws.
"Yeah I know Mufasa sadly your brother is very evil, trying to kill his family. He would have been king if he listened to us but now he killed you for the throne."
Last edited by TheLionQueen on May 31st, 2011, 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Great fight of the kings

Postby DGFone » May 30th, 2011, 6:48 am

It looks good, but it has a few large errors.

It's great to see all the characters, but it would be easier to read if everything were to be split into individual paragraphs. When there is dialog, you create a new paragraph when the speaker changes.

With these tips, it will make the story much better without even having to add or remove any words. Also, adding description, while not necessary, would be great.

Nice job though! :)
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Re: The Great fight of the kings

Postby TheLionQueen » May 31st, 2011, 7:00 pm

Thanks I'll fix that and make it easier to read, Again Thank You for the tips! :)
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