The Circle of Life Part I Reunion, morning and a old enemy

[dariusgib]

This is Part 1 of a long trilogue of Fan Fics I plan to write. I hope you enjoy it and stay tuned to further instalments.

Chapter I No Victory Without Fire

Simba smiled.
He had defeated his enemies and further increased his kingdom.
The outlands would surely become his vassals.
Simba was in complete control as he watched his daughter being married to an outsider he knew his old saying had come true: We are one.

But one thought penetrated his mind. If Kiara leaves. My family name will not continue. I need a son.

But Simba knew he had a son. Where he was though was another matter. But Kiara knew. And it was her fault.

Simba was in a rage after hearing what Kiara had done to make Pride Rock shake. "What do you mean Kopa came back at the battle?" He demanded.

Kovu was beside Kiara's side. His anger also rising. But he also knew fully why it was Kiara fault. And even Nala couldn’t calm Simbas anger.
"What did you do?" He screamed, too angry to even address Kiara name. Kiara started to cry. Her tears stained Kovus coat of fur.

"Tell me." Nala was terribly upset. She couldn't help siding with her husband. What had Kiara done?
Kiara crying, told him:
"Someone told Kopa about the battle. He came back and didn't know Kovu was on are side. He attacked but Kovu pinned him down."
Simba started staring at Kovu. He'd only just let him in the pride anyway.

"Kopa got upset when Kovu let him go. Said I was betraying the pride. Letting the side down. I couldn't hold it in. I shouted at him and told how he was no good example disappearing for years and never coming back. He started crying and ran off. He was wounded though he can't off gone far."
Simba hearing this gave out a grand call "Zazu." The little hornbill came to his side, cowering in fear. "Yes sire."

"Come with me. Were finding Kopa." Nala had to object.

"You can't go looking for him like that. You'll kill your self. At least let me come with you."

"No. A family member has already got involved in this."
Simba gave a hateful glance at Kiara. Her tears starting to flow again.

"He's my son as well." Nala replied her voice filling with anger matching Simba's.
Simba simply ignored it and left with Zazu. Too blind to take heed of what Nala had said. Nala was ready to follow pursuit.
Kovu was sick of sitting in silence.
"This isn't going to work running crazily after him."
But Nala was too angry and upset and ran straight after them.
"Or you could ignore me thats brilliant." Kovu lied down. Feeling useless. Kiara snuggled up to him for comfort.
Perhaps I'm not so useless. He thought.

Chapter II Tale of a Drunken Hornbill

Simba knowing Nala would chase him took a different path and lost her. Much to Zazu's displeasure.
"I don't think running from your queen is a good idea."
"I'm not getting any more of my family in danger."
And that was the end of that.

Reth was in pain. Reth was a hornbill and the brother of Zazu.
Much to Zazu's displeasure.
He smelt like fermented fruit juice and had a bad hangover. As he was sitting on the view point on top of a hill, he saw a very strange sight.
Nala was at the bottom of the hill and she was calling in vain for Simba, when a familiar creature came to her.
"Hello Nala. Odd that the queen is all on her own."
Nala recognized it immediately.
"Banzai, what are you doing here."
Banzai smiled and nodded. Let’s not keep her ignorant forever.
"I've come to set up a foot hold in this ignorant land. With your capture."
Nala couldn't help from laughing.
"You, I could rip you to pieces and also ignorant when were you in the brainy department."
Banzai then smirked and nodded. A group of hyenas came up from behind and in front. "Well since now."
Nala was suddenly gripped in shock and curiosity.
"What’s happened to you? You were never this organized."
Banzai smiled again. "Come and you'll see Avanti."
As they marched away one of the hyenas was a little vulgar.
"Hello beautiful," as he smacked Nala on the backside.
"You little." Nala turned but the hyenas got on top and put leaves around her mouth to stop her from talking.
Hyenas had got stronger and intelligent.
As Reth saw this only one phrase came to his head. "This can't be good."

Chapter III A Uninteresting Dilema

Tama was bored. He was in the herbivore council. The council had to have a representive from the carnivores to make the council fair.
So he seemed the perfect choice. Wanting to get revenge on Simba taking his "girlfriend." He was sure to let sone bills through as long as they annoyed Simba
Judas de Pazzi the gazelle and Karma where having there usually argument about things. This time about Rafiki's funeral.
"It should happen here this is where he worked."
"No it should happen in his homeland where he was born."
"Could you mind shutting up?" Shouted Tama, in such fury that they immediately shut up.
"Thank you."
Suddenly Reth flew in a volley of feathers.
"Nala’s been captured. Hyenas intelligent. Hangover."
Karma gave him a second to breath.
“Nala’s been kidnapped by Banzai and the hyenas. They were intelligent for some reason and they are taking her out of the borders of the pride lands."
Karma thought for a second.
“Follow them and find out where they’re going then tell Simba.” Reth left and Karma knew this was going to be much more important then a funeral arrangement.
“Meeting closed” he said much to Tama’s delight who shouted
“Praise Mufasa.”

Chapter IV The Madness of Prince Kopa

Before Simba and Zazu found Kopa. Kopa had a strange sight be put apon him.

He was walking out of the pride lands. His injured leg slowing him down. He had one thought in his mind. Must leave. I am not loved.
Suddenly he saw Kiara. Joy engulfed him and he cried.
“Oh sister have you come to love me.”
But she simply said
“No, who would love you, and insolent fool who is a disgrace to are family.”
Then Simba appeared and went to Kiara’s side with a happy ignorant look on his face.
“Kiara what have I told you about talking to strangers.”
“I’m not a stranger”. Kopa cried. “I am your son”.
“Not any more” Simba said as he turned on his heels and walked away with Kiara.
“No. No”. Kopa shouted. But they disappeared. Kopa put his head down and whispered“I want to go home.” And lay down on the ground.
His leg hurting incredible.

Chapter V It takes a Drunk

Reth was on another hill watching the long march of the hyenas.
Valley of the sower. Outside Pride land and Outland boundaries. Into the land shared by both. Why were they taking her there? And where’s Banzai.
Suddnely Banzai was clutching the small bird by the throat. “Why, I’m right here, tell Simba to meet me at kings centre which at a matter of fact, is here.” Then he quickly let go of the bird and shooed it.
“Long Live the Empire.” He called.

Chapter VI Alls Fair In Love and War

Simba and Zazu soon found Kopa lying on the dusty ground. Simba in shock ran over to him. Tears filling his eyes.Im not losing him again. He thought despretly.
Kopa turned on his back and spoke.
“Do you love me?”
“Of course Kopa.” replied Simba his eyes full of tears. “I always have.”

After Simba had had his reunion Reth flew in panic to where Simba lay.
“Brother” Zazu spoke. “What are you doing here?”
“Long story” panted Reth relaxing his wings.
“My liege, you must go meet Banzai at Kings Centre.”
“The hyena.” Wondered Simba. "What ever for.”
“It’s about you’re wife.”
“Nala.”
End of Part I
please comment

[dariusgib]

any comments?

[Azdgari]

Pleeeaseee stoooppp bummmppiinnggg youuurrr fiiicccsss. It's really, really irritating and many consider it in bad form. I'm sure you'll get plenty of comments but begging for them over and over isn't the way to get them. Also, a way to get more readers is to proofread your work. I really would love to read and review your story but you neeed to proofread out all the typos and fragments and missing punctuation and missing caps and general errors. You've put out like 3 fics in a matter of days; spend some time on them! Quality over quality my friend! And like we said in the other topic, it's not about how many comments you get! It's about the joy you get from writing it and sharing it. ^^

If you can proofread it a bit I'd be more than glad to give you my two cents. ^^

[Pixie]

Agreed...

[xLilacVixenx]

This story's plot is a little interesting, but I would consider polishing some areas. Mostly in these: puncuation, capitalization, grammer, spacing, and plot. The plot is not too bad; it had a few ups-and-downs, but not too much work needs to be done here. However, the other subjects I mentioned really need to be polished. For example:

[quote]"Could you mind shutting up?" Shouted Tama.
They shut up.[/quote]

Could be easily changed to this:

[quote]"Would you mind shutting up?" shouted Tama in such fury that they immediately shut up.[/quote]

Do you see the difference? Good. Now, let's cover puncuation...

[quote]“My liege you must go meet Banzai at Kings Centre.”[/quote]

This sentence is very simple and can be changed to this:

[quote]"My liege, you must go meet Banzai at King's Centre."[/quote]

Also, I noticed many fragments in the sentences; make sure you read aloud your story at least two times to make sure everything flows accordingly. :3

[dariusgib]

sorry about the problems so far.
1. i am proof reading them now because of all these mistakes i aplogize for.
2. I havent spotted any spelling mistakes. As i use word for these.
3.I think i got all the capitlization mistakes.
4. What does fragments mean? That it's not a full sentence?
5. I understand why the plot is a bit. Confusing. I had to shove everthing in at once which didn't help.
Really the only soulutions is to read on to get the information that makes the plot make sense.
It is something i call the jigsaw theroy in which you give someone bits of information each story and they piece them together till you get the whole plot.
6. What wrong with the spacing and what is the problem itself
Thanks for the constructive critsism and the support.

[Azdgari]

Fragments are incomplete sentences, yes. The problem with the spacing I explained sort of in your other topic but now sort of the opposite happened. You don't need a new line for every sentence! You just need a new line for every speaker.

[quote]Simba smiled.
He had defeated his enemies and further increased his kingdom.
The outlands would surely become his vassals.
Simba was in complete control.
As he watched his daughter being married to and outsider he knew his old saying had come true.
We are one.
But one thought penetrated his mind. If Kiara leaves. My family name will not continue. I need a son.

But Simba knew he had a son. Where he was though was another matter.

But Kiara did know. And it was her fault.

Simba in rage after hearing what Kiara had done made pride rock shake.
"What do you mean Kopa came back at the battle."
Kovu was beside Kiara's side. His anger also rising.
But he also knew fully why it was Kiara fault.
And even Nala couldn’t calm Simbas anger.
"What did you do?" To angry to even address Kiara name.
Kiara started to cry. Her tears staining Kovus coat of fur.

"Tell me." Nala was terrible upset.
But couldn't help siding with her husband.
What had Kiara done?
Kiara crying told him.
"Someone had told Kopa about the battle. He came back and didn't know Kovu was on are side. He attacked but Kovu pinned him down."
Simba started staring at Kovu.
He'd only just let him in the pride anyway.
[/quote]

Spaced properly becomes this:

[quote]Simba smiled. He had defeated his enemies and further increased his kingdom. The outlands would surely become his vassals. Simba was in complete control as he watched his daughter being married to and outsider and he knew his old saying had come true: We are one.
I fixed a few fragments in here by combining them into complete sentences.

But one thought penetrated his mind. If Kiara leaves... My family name will not continue. I need a son.
That was italicized because it is Simba's internal thoughts.

But Simba knew he had a son. Where he was though, was another matter. But Kiara knew. And it was her fault.
Watch out for all these 'but's! Being too repetitive is something to watch out for. ^^

Simba was in a rage after hearing what Kiara had done to made pride rock shake. "What do you mean Kopa came back at the battle?" He demanded.

Kovu was beside Kiara's side. His anger was also rising. But he also knew fully why it was Kiara's fault. And even Nala couldn’t calm Simbas anger.

"What did you do?" He screamed, too angry to even address Kiara's name. Kiara started to cry. Her tears stained Kovu's coat of fur.

"Tell me." Nala was terribly upset. She couldn't help siding with her husband. What had Kiara done?
Kiara, crying, told him:

"Someone told Kopa about the battle. He came back and didn't know Kovu was on are side. He attacked but Kovu pinned him down."
Simba started staring at Kovu. He'd only just let him in the pride.
[/quote]

There! See how much neater and easier on the eyes it is? I also corrected a couple of fragments, apostrophes, commas, and punctuation in dialogue errors. Watch out for 'but' as well, there's no problem with using it but you tend to use it a bit liberally. Hope this helped clarify what me and Vix have been trying to explain. ^^