The Second Scar:The Story of a What If

[axx1000]

The good: I really like the story over all 4.5/5, whilest Scar giving Simba the scar wasnt very original, you pulled it into the story very professionally, the fight sceen between Nala and Simba was put together really nicely

The not so great: Simba using the words mommy and daddy is odd considering his age,in “a mourning filled with sadness” third line down back is spelled wrong, after being brutally attacked I don’t think anyone would ask "Scar why'd you do that?", In “scars are truthful” 2nd line down there is just a plain “e", You’re a fat hippo??? could have been a better come back

Other: Nala plainly giving up the fight seems out of charactor considering she was protecting her brother, however i think that part was much better off ending that way

[LilTiger]

[quote="axx1000"]The good: I really like the story over all 4.5/5, whilest Scar giving Simba the scar wasnt very original, you pulled it into the story very professionally, the fight sceen between Nala and Simba was put together really nicely

The not so great: Simba using the words mommy and daddy is odd considering his age,in “a mourning filled with sadness” third line down back is spelled wrong, after being brutally attacked I don’t think anyone would ask "Scar why'd you do that?", In “scars are truthful” 2nd line down there is just a plain “e", You’re a fat hippo??? could have been a better come back

Other: Nala plainly giving up the fight seems out of charactor considering she was protecting her brother, however i think that part was much better off ending that way[/quote]

Thank you for your strong criticisim. For 'The Not So Great:", I'll take your words and use them to improve my story

[axx1000]

[quote="LilTiger"][quote="axx1000"]The good: I really like the story over all 4.5/5, whilest Scar giving Simba the scar wasnt very original, you pulled it into the story very professionally, the fight sceen between Nala and Simba was put together really nicely

The not so great: Simba using the words mommy and daddy is odd considering his age,in “a mourning filled with sadness” third line down back is spelled wrong, after being brutally attacked I don’t think anyone would ask "Scar why'd you do that?", In “scars are truthful” 2nd line down there is just a plain “e", You’re a fat hippo??? could have been a better come back

Other: Nala plainly giving up the fight seems out of charactor considering she was protecting her brother, however i think that part was much better off ending that way[/quote]

Thank you for your strong criticisim. For 'The Not So Great:", I'll take your words and use them to improve my story [/quote]

Well considering the other 2 articals no one gave me a smiley face (non one responded yet) i wasnt sure what was going to happen. But its get you took it like a champ. I do however take back my complaint about Simba calling Nala a "fat hippo" after thinking about it more i can see how he could have been really mad and said something pathetic.

[Momotaro]

This is an awesome story, LT! Please continue it! Pleaasee!

[LilTiger]

"I'll Show You a Unique Lioness!"
Scar and Simba walked down to the main den where the lionesses slept. As they started to eat the meat. Scar took his own share of the meat and sat near the lionesses, but not exactly next to them. Simba went next to Zira. "Hey Zira.", Simba said with a smile. "Why are you talking to me and not those other lionesses?", Zira asked. "Because your unique, unlike the other lionesses.", Simba said. Nala's eyes widened. She pounced on him. "What did you just say?!", Nala growled. Simba growled and threw her off of him. "I'll show you a unique lioness!", Nala said. Nala then ran to the end of priderock. "I have guts!", Nala shouted. She then jumped off of the cliff. "Nala!", Simba shouted. Simba then ran to the edge of the cliff. Nala was on the ground. She tried to get up, but she couldn't. Simba's eyes widened in fear.

[axx1000]

The Good: Very interesting, (there isnt much content so thats all i got)

The not so great: Nala would have to be REALLY mad to think that what she was doing was guts and not suiside, either im not picturing it right or something but Zira just doesnt seem like the timid type, TOO SHORT

Comments: It could be that Zira just wasnt that bad untill she was tanted by Scars evil (however i dont think this is the case)
After reading this one little part like 8 times i can also say that after all the rejection by Simba it might have changed Nala too, (im 50/50 on it if it was too much or not)

EDIT: i also know EXACTLY what would make this the most epic Fan Fic ive ever read but i know for a fact that there is no way its going to end up that way. Might have to ask LilTiger to make a special ending for me. Who knows

[LilTiger]

[quote="axx1000"]The Good: Very interesting, (there isnt much content so thats all i got)

The not so great: Nala would have to be REALLY mad to think that what she was doing was guts and not suiside, either im not picturing it right or something but Zira just doesnt seem like the timid type, TOO SHORT

Comments: It could be that Zira just wasnt that bad untill she was tanted by Scars evil (however i dont think this is the case)
After reading this one little part like 8 times i can also say that after all the rejection by Simba it might have changed Nala too, (im 50/50 on it if it was too much or not)

EDIT: i also know EXACTLY what would make this the most epic Fan Fic ive ever read but i know for a fact that there is no way its going to end up that way. Might have to ask LilTiger to make a special ending for me. Who knows [/quote]
You can PM me about it, just not out in the open, since I have a happy ending to the fanfic, *hint hint*, I could use a suggestion

[SophieCub]

Awesome story so far! Please continue!! It's exciting

*Edit: Sorry for posting

[LilTiger]

[OOC: Please, no more comments until Chapter 6 begins, sorry.]
"Why'd You Do That?"
Simba ran down to Nala. "Nala, wake up!", Simba said softly. She shook her head. "Whaaa?", Nala asked slowly. Simba smiled. "Can you get up?", Simba asked Nala. "No...", Nala said. Simba looked up at the edge of priderock. Quite a fall..., Simba thought. Scar growled. Then Simba growled softly. "Someone get Rafiki! Now!", Simba shouted. Sarabi went down the rocks. "I will.", Sarabi said.

"No!", Scar shouted as she ran infront of Sarabi. "She can heal herself, that baboon's brain isn't even the size of a needle!", Scar growled. Scar then grabbed Nala's scruff and dragged her up the rocks into the main lioness den. Scar then dropped her on the cold hard floor. "Serves you right.'', Scar said as he got out of the main den and went up to his own den. "She needs to learn a lesson or two...", Scar growled to himself.

Simba decided to go check on her. "Hey Nala...", Simba said as he want to check on her. "Hi", Nala said as she turned her head. "I have to ask you, why'd you do that?", Simba asked as he got closer to her. When he tried to look at her though, she'd turn her head more.

"I did it because you were starting to love that Zira girl.'', Nala said as she looked at Simba this time. "Well, I kinda do...", Simba said in a guilty voice. Nala growled. "I did it because I...I...I like you. We've been friends forever, I don't want it to change.", Nala said as she started to cry. "Well, it will have to change...", Simba said as he walked out of the cave into his den. "Simba, tomorrow you shall do it.", Scar said. "I can't, she's my friend...", Simba said. "She was your friend... You must! Or I'll kick you out or I'll kick Sarabi out!", Scar yelled. Simba looked away. "Fine...", Simba said softly.

[LilTiger]

"I Don't Want to Do It..."
Soon, tomorrow came quicker than the end of summer. "Today is the day Simba...", Scar said as he nudged him. "I really don't want to do it.", Simba said. "You must!", Scar exclaimed. Simba growled. "Fine", he murmered. Then he got out of the den and walked into the main lionesses den.

"Everyone, get out!", Simba yelled as he snapped at every lionesses. Everyone started to go out, but Sarabi tried to pick up Nala. "Not her! She can stay!", Simba said as he growled at his own mother. Sarabi couldn't stand it any longer, she sneered at him, but then walked out of the cave.

"Why'd you ask them to leave but me?", Nala asked as she tried to crawl away from him. Simba then stepped on her tail. "You're not going anywhere.", Simba said. Nala started to cry. "What are you going to do?", Nala asked softly. Simba moved close to her ear. "Just scream, I don't want to do what I was told to do to you.", Simba said.

Nala then roared. Simba nodded and then walked a few inches from her. "Thank you.", she whispered. Simba then smiled a little. "Act like I mean it.", Simba said quietly. Nala nodded. "And I hope you learned a lesson!", Simba shouted. She then walked out of the cave. Scar smiled. The lionesses were in shock. Sarafina and Sarabi ran into the cave. "Are you ok?", they asked. "No...", Nala lied as she started to cry.