The Umoja Pride

The Umoja Pride

Postby kmay571 » July 14th, 2010, 11:33 pm

Hey. This is my first fan fiction. It is about the prince of the Umoja pride and his love, a young huntress named Ashiki. It involves romance, death, teenage rebellion, and about taking responsibility. Here is a prologue, any questions?

Prologue


The sun pulled himself from his warm earthen bed. The first rays flitted across the surface, giving everything in his path an ominous red glow. As the sun pulled his way farther out of his resting place, the colors shifted to a rich orange to a warm yellow to the soothing colors of dawn. The light filled the valley, almost like he was searching for something. The trees stretched towards the rising light, desperate for a drink from the rich sunlight. But still, the sun swept his light across the bowl, bringing dawn to the farthest reaches of the valley.

All across the sun’s path, creatures were shifting about. Some were waking up from the blissful night to embrace the day, others were settling down to sleep to escape the unforgiving sunlight. The trees of the north did a fair job of hiding most of the sun, but the plains of the south warmed up easily and quickly.

At the edge of the jungle, on the eastern side, there was a cliff, separating trees from grassland. The cliff was barren, only home to many caves and rocks and a small pride of lions.

The leader of this pride, Jalil, and his queen, Layla, were already awake. Early last night, Layla had given birth to a single cub, a boy. Today would be the presentation to the pride and to the animals of the kingdom.

As the sun found the pride, animals of all kinds were gathering below the cliff to view the new prince, and future king of their land.

At the top of the cliff, called Juanonea for the color of the great stone at the lip, the elder lioness, Chuki was meeting with the king and queen.

She had seen now five generations, and was greatly respected among the kingdom. She was also the darkest lion in the pride, as was obvious when she picked up the caramel cub in her teeth.

The kingdom suddenly became silent. The winds had died down and the animals turned their attention towards the cliff, waiting for a view of the cub and the ritual in his presentation.

Chuki walked over to the golden stone at the very lip of the cliff. In a dip in the stone a shallow pool with golden flecks resided. The dark lioness jumped up onto the large boulder and placed the cub next to the pool. She looked up towards the heavens and took a deep breath, allowing the spirits of ancestors to return to the golden stone once more. She opened her eyes and looked down at the helpless cub, which was squirming.

She extended her claws and rolled the cub over, exposing his weakest parts. She raised her claw and looked back at the sky.

“Ajali!” she roared as her claws rushed towards the cub and scraped his belly. The young cub squealed in pain as droplets of blood appeared on his caramel-colored pelt.

Quickly, Chuki picked up the bleeding cub and placed him into the pool, where his blood would join that of his pride.

After a few moments, she pulled the cub out of the pool and held him for all the animals to see. Down below, the kingdom broke into an eruption of noise.

Chuki returned the newly named cub to his parents.

“Ajali.” Layla whispered.

“Ajali.” Jalil repeated.

Ajali opened his eyes.
Last edited by kmay571 on July 15th, 2010, 9:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Nickname(s): Kayla, Kay, Ashiki, Ash
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Re: The Umoja Pride

Postby Azdgari » July 15th, 2010, 12:08 am

Wow! That's a great beginning, Kmay! And a wonderful start to your first fanfic! I must say I'm very impressed. ^^

You've done a great job of being very descriptive with your language, and I enjoyed you personification of the sun. The idea of the pool of blood was also very creative.

The only thing I would keep in mind is that it's a lot easier on our eyes if you put a break in between your paragraphs, IE

Kmay's fic Kmay's fic

Kmay's fic Kmay's fic

Kmay's fic Kmay's fic

instead of

Kmay's fic Kmay's fic
Kmay's fic Kmay's fic
Kmay's fic Kmay's fic

Other than that, I'm very excited to see more! You have a lot of writing potential if this is your first shot! ^^
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Re: The Umoja Pride

Postby kmay571 » July 15th, 2010, 2:28 am

Thanks. I knew the spacing looked off. Lol. I'm excited about writing it.
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Posts: 91
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Re: The Umoja Pride

Postby kmay571 » July 15th, 2010, 9:26 pm

The Pride
King:
Jalil: Cream with a black mane and dark brown eyes.

Queen:
Layla: Chocolate brown with golden-brown tail tuft and amber eyes.

Princes:
Ajali: Caramel-colored with a dark, almost back tail tuft and chocolate brown eyes.

Elders:
Chuki: Dark brown, almost black with dark brown underbelly and green eyes.

Hunters:
Tumaini: Golden brown with brown mane and dark blue eyes.

Huntresses:
Dalilia: Sandy brown with blonde tail tuft and bright blue eyes.
Bia: Off-white with cream tail tuft and dark blue eyes.
Imani: Light brown with dark brown tail tufy and dark green eyes.

Cubs:
Tufani: White with pale blonde tail tuft and light blue eyes.
Fuli: Tan with light brown tail tuft and light blue eyes.
Ashiki: Wheat-colored with dirty blonde tail tuft and blue-grey eyes.
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If I had wings, I would walk with you.

Posts: 91
Joined: June 21st, 2009, 8:19 pm
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Nickname(s): Kayla, Kay, Ashiki, Ash
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