by Carl » May 23rd, 2016, 12:59 am
I should be feeling a lot more relieved, but instead I'm just sitting here wishing I was someone else. I'm so tired of not enjoying what I do, and some important things just look really hopeless. For years people have been telling me to just keep on keepin' on, keep fighting the good fight, and things will get better, but... they just don't. When things change, they're either just as good/bad as before or they're worse. I don't want to live this life, but my choices are very limited...
I have so much fun watching these videos, but all I can think afterwards is "why can't I be someone like that? why can't I be like Chris Hardwick or Conan or even the lighting guy?"
And the answer will always be "because you're not confident and you GAVE UP in uni and now it's too late because you just can't afford to go back."
It's no wonder people don't respect me. I don't respect myself. And like this... working minimum wage... I'm never gonna be the person I like to pretend I am. I'm gonna be grumpy and filled with dysphoria for the rest of forever if I can't figure out something better to do. And of course, I'm lucky to even have a job at all and I don't even know how bad it's going to be yet, so it's stupid to be feeling so trapped already, yet here I am, unable to be glad about anything, I guess, because I'm just that negative.
Basically the tl;dr here is: I suck.