I guess it's because of our cat... but all day today when I wasn't actively doing something, I've missed the one I'm not supposed to think about, and poor Curious, too. It's so hard to accept that he's never going to cuddle with me again...
And of course I have to try going to bed when the person who could make me feel better can't be around...
I keep pretending I'm happy for everyone else's sake, and my own, and it helps some, but I'm
not happy. I'm so alone and confused about my feelings. I can see myself starting to become more distant from my friends... I talk to them less often, and I say less of worth... I shut people out and I know that's not good, but I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.
And these practical strangers elsewhere giving me so much attention and unearned flattery is just tiresome. They're not after me for me, they're after me because they're desperate and I happen to be a female fan of ponies... desperate men and women alike think I'm quite the find because of this... and I am an excellent find, but not because of that.
I just want to feel loved... by someone who
really cares... but I've come to find it very difficult to trust even the people closest to me. I don't want to be vulnerable to someone and get hurt again, but I also don't want to be alone and shut off forever...
I'm just so tired of missing people and being used and abandoned... in spite of the other bad stuff about my life, I'd be happy if I just had real love or if I didn't care about having it... Everything else is finally starting to look up and I should be happy. I escaped the mice, I have my own bedroom, my dog is managing without the wheelchair or surgery and still even gets playful sometimes, I actually passed uni and graduated, we got some awesome discounted games, and I have good friends. I shouldn't be sad and feeling alone. I shouldn't be so scared of telling the person I like how I feel, and I shouldn't still miss selfish jerks... but I do. And if Curious hadn't gone I'd cuddle that adorable soft gray kitty and I'd feel better because he always was there for me... but now he's not. And my cat doesn't cuddle... the dog neither...

I miss having a best friend. I miss having a significant other. I miss having people who would always be there for me even if they had to
make the time. And the only thing i did wrong was love too much... My biggest flaw has always been loving too much.

It hurts that I still love them both and neither of them care about me anymore...