Real Steel FanFic

[Daenerys]

Lauren = SimbaObsesser
Katie = JackSkellington
I/Me/Sarena = RainbowDash

Okay, so Lauren, Katie and I decided to write fanfictions about the three of us getting sucked into our favorite movies. I, of course, did Real Steel. Lulz, but anyway, here's Chapter One through Chapter Three, Chapter Four is coming soon.

Chapter One...
“Which one is which?” Lauren asked as she dug through my backpack, looking for movies. “I dunno, just get all of them out!” I said, getting Katie’s stuff out of her car and into my house. “They’re not in the right cases.” She said as she opened two of the movie’s cases up. “ I know, let’s just get them in my room. Tonight we’ll throw one in.” I said as Katie came back outside to get the rest of her stuff out of her car.

Katie and I hauled her 6 bags full of Nightmare Before Christmas stuff into my room. I dropped them down and sighed. “Is this it?” I asked, getting out my pillows, blankets and stuffed animals. Katie nodded, “Yep.” And she looked around. “Wow..you have a lotta Real Steel stuff.” I smiled. “Did you expect my room to be like this?” She smiled, “Yes…” Then, Lauren entered the room with all her Simba stuff. “Nice room, Sarena!” she said, dropping her Simba pillow and plushie next to all of Katie’s Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. I grinned. “Thanks. After it gets dark, we can go downstairs and watch some movies on my 3D TV. We’ve got TLK in 3D!” Lauren jumped and smiled “Really?! We have to watch that one first! We’re gonna stay up nice an’ late, aren’t we?” Katie grinned too. “Yeah! And we should watch TLK first, I haven’t seen it in 3D!”

When it got dark, we all headed downstairs. I grabbed the remote and flicked the TV on. I got out the 3D glasses, and handed them to Lauren and Katie. “Put these on, and I’ll put the movie in.” I said, and slid the Blu-ray disc into the player. “Be careful with these, my mom will freak if these are broken.” Lauren was so excited as I handed her and Katie popcorn. “I can’t wait!” she said eagerly as she tossed a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth. I flicked the lamp off as the movie began to play.

Mid-way through “Can you feel the love tonight,” Katie rolled over and looked at me. “I’m bored…Can we watch something more exciting?” she whispered to me. I looked at the movie, then back at Katie. “Let’s finish watching this it’s almost over. Besides, it’s Lauren ’s favorite movie, we’ll watch it until the credits are playing.” Katie sighed.

After the movie had stopped playing, and the credits were rolling, I got up and stretched. “How about Real Steel next?…Lauren..?” we looked at her, who smiling hugely and still staring at the screen. I smiled. “I’ll just put in Real Steel, we haven’t watched that.” I got up from my middle sleeping bag, and I got out the disc. Sliding in the disc, we suddenly hearing cheering, and banging of metal coming from my closet. We all freeze. Lauren sits up. Katie’s eyes lock on the closet door. I drop my disc. “W-w-w-what was th-th-that..?” Katie asks, grabbing and hugging her stuffed Jack. Lauren picked up her Simba plushie and buried her face in it. “Sarena, go over there and look!” Katie yelled. I looked at the two who were burying their faces into their plushies. Feeling determined, I stood up and walked towards the door. I thrust it open, expecting my dog to coming running out. I freeze. Lauren and Katie coming running over to me. The stood next to me as a huge flash went right into our eyes, and blinded us. We fell down, and it was lights out.


Chapter Two…

Who knows how many seconds, minutes, or hours we laid on the floor, unconscious. My eyes flittered slowly open. We were in some, house. I jumped up and looked around, as this was certainly not my house. I shook Lauren’s shoulder, “Lauren, get up! Get up!” I said, then turned to get Katie up. “Katie GET UP! Where in the world are we?!” I stood and looked around. “Wha—What..” Katie murmured as she lifted herself up and rubbed her eyes. I looked around. I could hear arguing coming from..I guess what was downstairs of where we were. Katie got up groggy, as Lauren stood up quickly. I walked over a bed, and looked out of a window that was in the middle of the bedroom. I looked down. There was gym down there, and there was a staircase leading from the gym into the bedroom. I looked down stairs and saw a guy and a kid, with a robot in the middle of the boxing ring. I froze as Katie walked over, and looked down with me. Lauren did the same. Then Katie’s eyes got big. “Oh my—that isn’t….NO.” I smiled evilly. It was. My dream had come true. Lauren looked down at the robot that was following the kid around. I looked closely. It was Atom. I held my breath as I looked at the kid. I let out a squee. “IT’S MAX!” I jumped around like a crazy fangirl. “…What?” Lauren looked at me. “Its..” “IT’S MAX AND CHARLIE!” I yelled. Lauren stared at me for a minute. “Ohh..Yeah! Let’s go see if we can talk to them.” I blushed. “Um..okay..” I looked at myself. We were in completely different clothes! I was wearing T-shirt with swirls on it and jeans. Lauren and Katie were wearing the same things, but each of our shirts was different. Katie sighed. “Of all things, we end up here. In this movie. Why couldn’t we have landed in TNBC instead?” she said, as she looked over her new shirt. I ignored her, and led the way downstairs. I got down to the final step. I heard Max and Charlie stop arguing. They must have heard our footsteps as the turned around and looked at us. I froze. Max froze. All of froze, mid-step. There was an awkward silence.

I blushed as I looked at Max. “Umm.hi..?” Max said as he looked at the three of us. I was bright red as Lauren stepped in front of me and finally managed to introduce us. “Hi there! I’m Lauren, and this is Katie, and that’s Sarena!” She smiled. As bright red as ever, I nodded. I felt like I wanted to rush and drown Max in kisses. Katie sighed heavily, and said. “Seriously, Sarena.” I stepped on her foot and whispered to her “PLEASE be nice here, I want to make a nice first impression, please?” she looked at me and nodded, frustrated. I looked at Charlie. “Well, er, I have no idea how we got here. Do you know how to get us back home?” Charlie was silent. “Uh..no. I don’t know who you are.” I continued to stare at Max. He obviously was freaked out by me. “Oh, of course we they have no idea how to get us out!” Katie said sarcastically.


Chapter Three…

I turned and glared at her. She backed down again. “Well, we were just having a party at Sarena’s house, when the closet went screwy, and boom, we’re here.” Lauren explained. I nodded, took my gaze off of Max and smiled at Charlie. “And, do you know where Bailey is? I’d like to talk to her.” I asked. He paused. “Uh, she’s out shopping. She’ll be back soon. I didn’t know you knew about her.” I nodded. “Yes!” “Yeah, that’s for sure. I hated that scene in the mov—“ she couldn’t finish the word ‘Movie’ as I stepped on her foot again. “Ouch!” I whispered to her again: “Don’t you dare mention the word ‘movie’ while we’re here.” I whispered. She glared at me. I turned back to Charlie. “Can I see Atom?” I asked, approaching the nine-foot-robot. “Uh, sure. Just, don’t break him.” He smiled. I nodded and walked toward the robot. I looked up at him and grinned. “Can I put him on shadow mode?” I asked, picking up his remote. “Yeah, go ahead.” Max said as he took the remote out of my hands and flicked a switch on it. “There you go.” I smiled and waved a hand at the robot. Atom did the same. I jumped. Atom jumped. I was having so much fun while Lauren and Katie were explaining to Max and Charlie how they appeared there and how they wanted to get out.

A while later, I was in the Boxing ring doing some uppercuts and punches with Atom, and Max was teaching me how to control him, Katie was looking through one of Bailey’s magazines while drinking some orange juice, and Lauren was rummaging through Bailey’s books to see if she could find something to read. After about half-an-hour later, Bailey walked through the gym door. She stopped. I was busy doing uppercuts when she walked in. Katie and Lauren stared at her as she stared at them. “Hi there!” Lauren said with her usual, happy voice.

Chapter Four Coming Soon!

[tyronepines]

Very nice! I would like to make some suggestions, though.

[quote]“Which one is which?” Lauren asked as she dug through my backpack, looking for movies. “I dunno, just get all of them out!” I said, getting Katie’s stuff out of her car and into my house. “They’re not in the right cases.” She said as she opened two of the movie’s cases up. “ I know, let’s just get them in my room. Tonight we’ll throw one in.” I said as Katie came back outside to get the rest of her stuff out of her car.[/quote]

Take a look at this paragraph. Everything is well written, but I would just like to point out one thing. When people read your story, some people might not want to read those whole paragraphs, if they were too lazy. It would be better if you could probably add an extra space or two whenever the characters speak. Like this, for example. Here's the revised version:

“Which one is which?” Lauren asked as she dug through my backpack, looking for movies.

“I dunno, just get all of them out!” I said, getting Katie’s stuff out of her car and into my house.

“They’re not in the right cases.” She said as she opened two of the movie’s cases up.

“I know, let’s just get them in my room. Tonight we’ll throw one in.” I said as Katie came back outside to get the rest of her stuff out of her car.

See? It looks much better to the reader's eyes. Don't try to crowd the quotations all in one paragraph. Try a little bit of organizing next time. All in all, you did an excellent job and I hope to read chapter 4 as soon as I can. ^_^

I thought I'd help make some changes. :3

[quote]Katie and I hauled her 6 bags full of Nightmare Before Christmas stuff into my room. I dropped them down and sighed. “Is this it?” I asked, getting out my pillows, blankets and stuffed animals. Katie nodded, “Yep.” And she looked around. “Wow..you have a lotta Real Steel stuff.” I smiled. “Did you expect my room to be like this?” She smiled, “Yes…” Then, Lauren entered the room with all her Simba stuff. “Nice room, Sarena!” she said, dropping her Simba pillow and plushie next to all of Katie’s Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. I grinned. “Thanks. After it gets dark, we can go downstairs and watch some movies on my 3D TV. We’ve got TLK in 3D!” Lauren jumped and smiled “Really?! We have to watch that one first! We’re gonna stay up nice an’ late, aren’t we?” Katie grinned too. “Yeah! And we should watch TLK first, I haven’t seen it in 3D!”[/quote]

Katie and I hauled her 6 bags full of Nightmare Before Christmas stuff into my room. I dropped them down and sighed. “Is this it?” I asked, getting out my pillows, blankets and stuffed animals.

Katie nodded, “Yep,” and she looked around. “Wow... you have a lot of Real Steel stuff.”

I smiled. “Did you expect my room to be like this?”

She smiled. “Yes…”

Then, Lauren entered the room with all her Simba stuff. “Nice room, Sarena!” she said, dropping her Simba pillow and plushie next to all of Katie’s Nightmare Before Christmas stuff.

I grinned. “Thanks. After it gets dark, we can go downstairs and watch some movies on my 3D TV. We’ve got TLK in 3D!”

Lauren jumped and smiled “Really?! We have to watch that one first! We’re gonna stay up nice an’ late, aren’t we?”

Katie grinned too. “Yeah! And we should watch TLK first, I haven’t seen it in 3D!”

[quote]When it got dark, we all headed downstairs. I grabbed the remote and flicked the TV on. I got out the 3D glasses, and handed them to Lauren and Katie. “Put these on, and I’ll put the movie in.” I said, and slid the Blu-ray disc into the player. “Be careful with these, my mom will freak if these are broken.” Lauren was so excited as I handed her and Katie popcorn. “I can’t wait!” she said eagerly as she tossed a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth. I flicked the lamp off as the movie began to play.[/quote]

When it got dark, we all headed downstairs. I grabbed the remote and flicked the TV on. I got out the 3D glasses, and handed them to Lauren and Katie.

“Put these on, and I’ll put the movie in.” I said, and slid the Blu-ray disc into the player. “Be careful with these, my mom will freak if these are broken.”

Lauren was so excited as I handed her and Katie popcorn. “I can’t wait!” she said eagerly as she tossed a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth.

I flicked the lamp off as the movie began to play.

[quote]Mid-way through “Can you feel the love tonight,” Katie rolled over and looked at me. “I’m bored…Can we watch something more exciting?” she whispered to me. I looked at the movie, then back at Katie. “Let’s finish watching this it’s almost over. Besides, it’s Lauren ’s favorite movie, we’ll watch it until the credits are playing.” Katie sighed.[/quote]

Mid-way through “Can you feel the love tonight,” Katie rolled over and looked at me. “I’m bored… Can we watch something more exciting?” she whispered to me.

I looked at the movie, then back at Katie. “Let’s finish watching this it’s almost over. Besides, it’s Lauren’s favorite movie, we’ll watch it until the credits are playing.”

Katie sighed.

[quote]After the movie had stopped playing, and the credits were rolling, I got up and stretched. “How about Real Steel next?…Lauren..?” we looked at her, who smiling hugely and still staring at the screen. I smiled. “I’ll just put in Real Steel, we haven’t watched that.” I got up from my middle sleeping bag, and I got out the disc. Sliding in the disc, we suddenly hearing cheering, and banging of metal coming from my closet. We all freeze. Lauren sits up. Katie’s eyes lock on the closet door. I drop my disc. “W-w-w-what was th-th-that..?” Katie asks, grabbing and hugging her stuffed Jack. Lauren picked up her Simba plushie and buried her face in it. “Sarena, go over there and look!” Katie yelled. I looked at the two who were burying their faces into their plushies. Feeling determined, I stood up and walked towards the door. I thrust it open, expecting my dog to coming running out. I freeze. Lauren and Katie coming running over to me. The stood next to me as a huge flash went right into our eyes, and blinded us. We fell down, and it was lights out.[/quote]

After the movie had stopped playing, and the credits were rolling, I got up and stretched. “How about Real Steel next? Lauren...?”

We looked at her, who was smiling hugely and still staring at the screen.

I smiled. “I’ll just put in Real Steel, we haven’t watched that.”

I got up from my middle sleeping bag, and I got out the disc. Sliding in the disc, we suddenly heard cheering, and banging of metal coming from my closet. We all froze. Lauren sits up. Katie’s eyes lock on the closet door. I dropped my disc.

“W-w-w-what was th-th-that..?” Katie asks, grabbing and hugging her stuffed Jack.

Lauren picked up her Simba plushie and buried her face in it.

“Sarena, go over there and look!” Katie yelled.

I looked at the two who were burying their faces into their plushies. Feeling determined, I stood up and walked towards the door. I thrust it open, expecting my dog to coming running out. I freeze. Lauren and Katie came running over to me. They stood next to me as a huge flash went right into our eyes, and blinded us. We fell down, and it was lights out.

[quote]Who knows how many seconds, minutes, or hours we laid on the floor, unconscious. My eyes flittered slowly open. We were in some, house. I jumped up and looked around, as this was certainly not my house. I shook Lauren’s shoulder, “Lauren, get up! Get up!” I said, then turned to get Katie up. “Katie GET UP! Where in the world are we?!” I stood and looked around. “Wha—What..” Katie murmured as she lifted herself up and rubbed her eyes. I looked around. I could hear arguing coming from..I guess what was downstairs of where we were. Katie got up groggy, as Lauren stood up quickly. I walked over a bed, and looked out of a window that was in the middle of the bedroom. I looked down. There was gym down there, and there was a staircase leading from the gym into the bedroom. I looked down stairs and saw a guy and a kid, with a robot in the middle of the boxing ring. I froze as Katie walked over, and looked down with me. Lauren did the same. Then Katie’s eyes got big. “Oh my—that isn’t….NO.” I smiled evilly. It was. My dream had come true. Lauren looked down at the robot that was following the kid around. I looked closely. It was Atom. I held my breath as I looked at the kid. I let out a squee. “IT’S MAX!” I jumped around like a crazy fangirl. “…What?” Lauren looked at me. “Its..” “IT’S MAX AND CHARLIE!” I yelled. Lauren stared at me for a minute. “Ohh..Yeah! Let’s go see if we can talk to them.” I blushed. “Um..okay..” I looked at myself. We were in completely different clothes! I was wearing T-shirt with swirls on it and jeans. Lauren and Katie were wearing the same things, but each of our shirts was different. Katie sighed. “Of all things, we end up here. In this movie. Why couldn’t we have landed in TNBC instead?” she said, as she looked over her new shirt. I ignored her, and led the way downstairs. I got down to the final step. I heard Max and Charlie stop arguing. They must have heard our footsteps as the turned around and looked at us. I froze. Max froze. All of froze, mid-step. There was an awkward silence.[/quote]

Who knows how many seconds, minutes, or hours we laid on the floor, unconscious. My eyes flittered slowly open. We were in some house. I jumped up and looked around, as this was certainly not my house.

I shook Lauren’s shoulder, “Lauren, get up! Get up!” I said, then turned to get Katie up. “Katie GET UP! Where in the world are we?!” I stood and looked around.

“Wha—What...?” Katie murmured as she lifted herself up and rubbed her eyes.

I looked around. I could hear arguing coming from... I guess what was downstairs of where we were. Katie got up groggily, as Lauren stood up quickly. I walked over a bed, and looked out of a window that was in the middle of the bedroom. I looked down. There was gym down there, and there was a staircase leading from the gym into the bedroom. I looked down stairs and saw a guy and a kid, with a robot in the middle of the boxing ring. I froze as Katie walked over, and looked down with me. Lauren did the same.

Then Katie’s eyes got big. “Oh my—that isn’t….NO.”

I smiled evilly. It was. My dream had come true. Lauren looked down at the robot that was following the kid around. I looked closely. It was Atom. I held my breath as I looked at the kid. I let out a squee. “IT’S MAX!” I jumped around like a crazy fangirl.

“…What?” Lauren looked at me. “It's...”

“IT’S MAX AND CHARLIE!” I yelled.

Lauren stared at me for a minute. “Ohh... Yeah! Let’s go see if we can talk to them.”

I blushed. “Um... okay...” I looked at myself. We were in completely different clothes! I was wearing T-shirt with swirls on it and jeans. Lauren and Katie were wearing the same things, but each of our shirts was different.

Katie sighed. “Of all things, we end up here. In this movie. Why couldn’t we have landed in TNBC instead?” she said, as she looked over her new shirt.

I ignored her, and led the way downstairs. I got down to the final step. I heard Max and Charlie stop arguing. They must have heard our footsteps as the turned around and looked at us. I froze. Max froze. All of us froze, mid-step. There was an awkward silence.

[quote]I blushed as I looked at Max. “Umm.hi..?” Max said as he looked at the three of us. I was bright red as Lauren stepped in front of me and finally managed to introduce us. “Hi there! I’m Lauren, and this is Katie, and that’s Sarena!” She smiled. As bright red as ever, I nodded. I felt like I wanted to rush and drown Max in kisses. Katie sighed heavily, and said. “Seriously, Sarena.” I stepped on her foot and whispered to her “PLEASE be nice here, I want to make a nice first impression, please?” she looked at me and nodded, frustrated. I looked at Charlie. “Well, er, I have no idea how we got here. Do you know how to get us back home?” Charlie was silent. “Uh..no. I don’t know who you are.” I continued to stare at Max. He obviously was freaked out by me. “Oh, of course we they have no idea how to get us out!” Katie said sarcastically.[/quote]

I blushed as I looked at Max.

“Umm... hi...?” Max said as he looked at the three of us. I was bright red as Lauren stepped in front of me and finally managed to introduce us.

“Hi there! I’m Lauren, and this is Katie, and that’s Sarena!” She smiled.

As bright red as ever, I nodded. I felt like I wanted to rush and drown Max in kisses.

Katie sighed heavily, and said. “Seriously, Sarena.”

I stepped on her foot and whispered to her “PLEASE be nice here, I want to make a nice first impression, please?”

She looked at me and nodded, frustrated. I looked at Charlie. “Well, er, I have no idea how we got here. Do you know how to get us back home?”

Charlie was silent. “Uh... no. I don’t know who you are.”

I continued to stare at Max. He obviously was freaked out by me.

“Oh, of course they have no idea how to get us out!” Katie said sarcastically.

[quote]I turned and glared at her. She backed down again. “Well, we were just having a party at Sarena’s house, when the closet went screwy, and boom, we’re here.” Lauren explained. I nodded, took my gaze off of Max and smiled at Charlie. “And, do you know where Bailey is? I’d like to talk to her.” I asked. He paused. “Uh, she’s out shopping. She’ll be back soon. I didn’t know you knew about her.” I nodded. “Yes!” “Yeah, that’s for sure. I hated that scene in the mov—“ she couldn’t finish the word ‘Movie’ as I stepped on her foot again. “Ouch!” I whispered to her again: “Don’t you dare mention the word ‘movie’ while we’re here.” I whispered. She glared at me. I turned back to Charlie. “Can I see Atom?” I asked, approaching the nine-foot-robot. “Uh, sure. Just, don’t break him.” He smiled. I nodded and walked toward the robot. I looked up at him and grinned. “Can I put him on shadow mode?” I asked, picking up his remote. “Yeah, go ahead.” Max said as he took the remote out of my hands and flicked a switch on it. “There you go.” I smiled and waved a hand at the robot. Atom did the same. I jumped. Atom jumped. I was having so much fun while Lauren and Katie were explaining to Max and Charlie how they appeared there and how they wanted to get out.[/quote]

I turned and glared at her. She backed down again. “Well, we were just having a party at Sarena’s house, when the closet went screwy, and boom, we’re here.” Lauren explained.

I nodded, took my gaze off of Max and smiled at Charlie. “And, do you know where Bailey is? I’d like to talk to her.” I asked.

He paused. “Uh, she’s out shopping. She’ll be back soon. I didn’t know you knew about her.”

I nodded. “Yes!”

“Yeah, that’s for sure. I hated that scene in the mov—“ Katie couldn’t finish the word ‘Movie’ as I stepped on her foot again. “Ouch!”

I whispered to her again: “Don’t you dare mention the word ‘movie’ while we’re here.” I whispered.

She glared at me. I turned back to Charlie. “Can I see Atom?” I asked, approaching the nine-foot-robot.

“Uh, sure. Just, don’t break him.” He smiled.

I nodded and walked toward the robot. I looked up at him and grinned. “Can I put him on shadow mode?” I asked, picking up his remote.

“Yeah, go ahead.” Max said as he took the remote out of my hands and flicked a switch on it. “There you go.”

I smiled and waved a hand at the robot. Atom did the same. I jumped. Atom jumped. I was having so much fun while Lauren and Katie were explaining to Max and Charlie how they appeared there and how they wanted to get out.

[quote]A while later, I was in the Boxing ring doing some uppercuts and punches with Atom, and Max was teaching me how to control him, Katie was looking through one of Bailey’s magazines while drinking some orange juice, and Lauren was rummaging through Bailey’s books to see if she could find something to read. After about half-an-hour later, Bailey walked through the gym door. She stopped. I was busy doing uppercuts when she walked in. Katie and Lauren stared at her as she stared at them. “Hi there!” Lauren said with her usual, happy voice.[/quote]

A while later, I was in the Boxing ring doing some uppercuts and punches with Atom, and Max was teaching me how to control him, Katie was looking through one of Bailey’s magazines while drinking some orange juice, and Lauren was rummaging through Bailey’s books to see if she could find something to read. After about half-an-hour later, Bailey walked through the gym door. She stopped. I was busy doing uppercuts when she walked in. Katie and Lauren stared at her as she stared at them.

“Hi there!” Lauren said with her usual, happy voice.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I hope all of this helps when you write your next chapter! ^_^ Sorry about this. I'm a Grammar Nazi. XD This is my first time criticizing someone's work and I hope I did a pretty good job on it. And I love helping a good friend of mine out. :3

[Daenerys]

Sorry, but it's just the way I write. I like writing in paragraphs, it just seems natural to me writing in paragraphs, and not putting spaces in between. But I guess it's easier to read on a screen if it's put like that. Thanks for your input though!

[tyronepines]

No problem! Haha. I guess we have our own writing style. Have you started Chapter 4?

[Daenerys]

Yeah, it's on it's way. ^^

[gursikh11]

Its nice and thanks for it.