What it's like to be me

[SophieCub]

This is based on my (Simbacub's) Life story, I am going to write all I can remember and have beenn told by my mum. It will be my point of view and each chapter will be added onto this page and another post so keep and eye out. Get ready for some laughs and tears cause my life is such a rush.

What started it all
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It was time my mum was ready to have me my dad drove her to the hospital trying to go quickly but not too quickly. They finally got there and my mum got put in a wheel chair because it was a bit sore to walk. They wheeled her across the rooms and they finally got to the right room. My mum was nervous and her heart was beating quickly. As my mum was having me my dad held her hand and he smiled and said it would be worth it in the end but my mum squeezed his had and he thought it was going to fall off. I was finally out. The nurse wraped me up and then gave me to my mum, she smiled at me and played with me little fingers and feet. I was soo small (I can't imagine that). My dad smiled and said ," I told you it would all be worth it" my mum smiled back as happy tears ran down her cheek.

Home Sweet Home
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We where driving home and my dad asked my mum ," So whats his name? We can't have him with no name, you name him" My mum looked down at me, her brother was called Liam and he was her favourite brother. " Erm.. how about Liam?" she asked rubbing my little head. My dad smiled " Sure honey he said. He stopped at our house, it was a single, White house with a garage next to it and a place to park your car. No cars went by and there was a grassy area you could see from our house. We had nice neighbours and and they had babies too and kids. It was a safe place to go out to play. We also had a big garden and it had lovely flowers around it. My mum took my in the house and put me in the living room in a playpen. She smiled and kissed me gently on the cheek and I giggled. She went outside and a German Shepherd dog came up to me and sniffed me I laughed and my mum came running in and moved the dog away from me. The dog was called Gingi.

Here is the music videos that go with the chapters:
Chapter 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9beHn5B0MU
Chapter 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jlOLu7Yw-g

[SophieCub]

Home Sweet Home
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We where driving home and my dad asked my mum ," So whats his name? We can't have him with no name, you name him" My mum looked down at me, her brother was called Liam and he was her favourite brother. " Erm.. how about Liam?" she asked rubbing my little head. My dad smiled " Sure honey he said. He stopped at our house, it was a single, White house with a garage next to it and a place to park your car. No cars went by and there was a grassy area you could see from our house. We had nice neighbours and and they had babies too and kids. It was a safe place to go out to play. We also had a big garden and it had lovely flowers around it. My mum took my in the house and put me in the living room in a playpen. She smiled and kissed me gently on the cheek and I giggled. She went outside and a German Shepherd dog came up to me and sniffed me I laughed and my mum came running in and moved the dog away from me. The dog was called Gingi.

[FlipMode]

Interesting :D, but honestly, a bit of description here and there would not go amiss (it's prtty much been the dot to dot story telling eqivelant thus far)

[WildSimba]

Well, I've got a couple of things to give to you about this one. I'm certainly not saying your story is bad, I'm just giving you some advise as to better the story/writting.

First off, a good solid paragraph should only be 4-5 sentences at most. A lot of people go way overboard and make 10 and even 20 sentence paragraphs, and make that the whole chapter. The thing is, it's hard to read a completely sprawled out mess of ideas that expand only a paragraph.

When you split them up, it tends too look a little more organaized, and more like eye candy, and less like a messy... room to put it gently. lol.

Another thing is it'd be a lot better if you were a little more descriptive, as Flip said. When your more descriptive about things, it'll help to plant an image into the readers head, that would be very helpful for helping them remember the characters/story later on into the story.

One last thing is: Remember, punctuate. This is a mistake people often use, and it makes their story seem scrambled when they don't do this. Just one example is when you are quoting a sentence you end in one of the three major punctuations: A comma, A question mark, or an explanation mark. You always add one of those three. You don't add a period at the end if it's just a neutral sentence, you just replace it with a comma, unless your quote is finishing the sentence.

The last thing I'd like to suggest is you plan out exactly what your going to write in the chapter, before you even begin. This will help to make it look a little bit less like a rough draft of a science experiment. If there's rough drafting and planing ahead for fan-art/pictures, then why should there not be planning for a fan-fiction. I feel it would help too improve your story a lot more from what it currently is.

These are just opinions though, to help you better your writting, and this is certainly not a bad story. I just think it needs to be expanded on a little more clearly.

[rich198]

come on SC im waiting for the rest

[SophieCub]

Sorry rich I have been very busy but I promise i will get it up soon

[coOkiesNcreaM]

where are the other chapters??

can't wait to read it.. very eager...

you're a nice story teller..

hope yo can post the next chapters already..