Dad Trouble

[SophieCub]

About:

Hi I am Mike a 13 year old boy from Scotland I live with my mum and two little siblings. I hate school I get bullied just because I don't like football. I really want a dad but when I was seven months my dad left us to live on our own and wanted to take me but my mum stoped him. We don't have any men in the house apart from me and my little bro. My bother is 9 and my little sister is 3. I am going to search for a dad even if it kills me.

Chapter 1

Mike was playing basket ball in his back garden trying to make a goal. Suddenly Larua, mike's little sister came in and jumped up and down which made Mike miss. " Thanks alot Laura! You made me miss!" he stomped into his house and went upstairs slamming the door and Laura began to cry. Mike was an outsider in school and never had any friends because he didn't play football and he got bullied. It began to rain and that made Mike even more mad because he couldn't go back outside. The next day he got up yawning he looked outside and saw a girl playing with her dad, they where having lots of fun. Mike never had a dad and really wanted one and thought he could make him cooler. He went to school and on the way the bigest bully in the school started to make fun off him and tripped him up. " It's only the beggining!" Said the Bully. Mike sighed.

When he was in school he failed his maths test and got laghed at, at breaktime. Mike never told anyone he got bullied because he was too scared to tell. When he got home he did his homework and started to sing, he was an excelent singer and could be in a talent contest he was so good. His little brother always laughed when he sang but Laura loved his singing and always sang along. It made Mike feel much better and calm him down and make him feel happy and joyful.

Chapter 2 comming soon...

[Hydro]

Well, I could say that there is little plot development at the moment, but since its just the first two paragraphs I guess its perfectly fine lol. beginning with great potential! Keep it up ^^

[TheIvanMuse]

That's really good! I expect a nice little plot coming up to a good intro. ^^

[SophieCub]

Thanks ^^

[Baya]

No offense, but I think you should add more detail and expand on some ideas. For example, is football a big deal in scotland? I can't imagine someone bullying someone else over a sport.

Also, I'm confused as to why this boy got so upset after missing one shot in basketball, so much that he went to his room and scorned his sister?

[SophieCub]

[quote="Amadeus"]No offense, but I think you should add more detail and expand on some ideas. For example, is football a big deal in scotland? I can't imagine someone bullying someone else over a sport.

Also, I'm confused as to why this boy got so upset after missing one shot in basketball, so much that he went to his room and scorned his sister?[/quote]

None taken . Let me explain this. Nearly every boy in my school plays football and watch it, they love it. And he was under alot of pressure when he was trying to score.

[Lyoko3454]

Not bad, but you could improve on spelling a little.

Examples from your story:

Bother-- It should be brother.
Beggining-- It should be beginning

Could you critique my story, please

[SophieCub]

Opps spelling error

Sure, Link please

[Lyoko3454]

viewtopic.php?f=88&t=8637 is the link