Beautuiful nightmares or plesent dreams?

[Cloverclaw]

Chapter 1: Blackout

It was a hot summer day afternoon around 90 degrees out. Jen was sitting in the passenger seat while Holly was driving and Kyle was in the backseat. They were going to Dairy Queen to get some ice cream! Holly was Jens mother and Kyle was Jen's Cousin. Jen and Kyle loved to hang out with all the time they had.



“So Kyle what was it again?” asked Jen

“It was a key that I lost.” Said Kyle

“What key??” asked Jen

“Jen can you get me a water? It sure is hot and im really thirsty.”

“Sure” said Jen

When Jen went to look in the backseat there was no water left

“Holly, there’s no water left” Jen said.

“Well that means I have to get more then” Holly said.

They passed the park and stopped at a stop sign.

Jen looked over to see that Holly blacked out

“Kyle… you got to help me move her to the backseat” said Jen

“Okay but who is going to drive?” Asked Kyle

“I am since I have been for a year and a half now” Jen said

“Your not going to crash, are you?” asked Kyle

“I passed the test, so don’t worry” said Jen

Jen and Kyle moved Holly to the back seat.

Jen got into the drivers side and Kyle got into the passengers side. She put it in reverse and turned the truck around and drove home.

“And I wanted Ice Cream too” Kyle said sadly

“We can go later, after supper” said Jen

Jen pulls into the garage

“What should we do?” asked Kyle

“I’ll ask Judy” said Jen

Jen ran into the house to find Judy. Judy was Holly's best friend and lived with them. All of them got along and well they like to drive each other crazy at times. When she walked into the kitchen, Judy was cooking spaghetti. Spagetti was judy's favorite to cook. Everytime holly and Jen were out, Judy would make spagetti. Jen walked up behind judy.

“Judy…” said Jen with a sad look in her eyes

“Jen what’s wrong?” Judy asked

“Holly passed out when the truck stopped at a stop sign” Jen said

“What?! How did you get home and where?” asked Judy

“Everything is fine, I drove the truck home” said Jen

“Did you get hurt or anything?” Judy asked

“No, were fine, Im just worried about Holly” said Jen

“Get Kyle it’s time to eat” Judy said

“What about Holly??” Jen asked

“Leave her there till she wakes up” said Judy

Jen walked into her room to find Kyle sitting on her bed. Kyle, loved coming over his cousins house to hang out since it was right next door.

“So what’s going to happen?” asked Kyle

“Well Judy said to leave her in the car until she wakes up. Anyways its time to eat. Judy made spaghetti” said Jen

“What kind?” Kyle asked

“Noodles with red sauce” Jen answered

“Okay” Kyle said

Jen and Kyle sat at the table. Judy came over with the spagetti and put it on the table. Kyle grabbed the fork and started putting spagetti on his plate.

“So you didn’t think I could drive that good, right?” Jen said

“Yea. At least you didn’t crash.” Kyle said

“Hunter should be here in about 10 minutes” Judy said

Hunter was judy's nephew, he was about 10 and came over every weekend before he started going over his friends house.

“I haven’t seen him in like two years!!” Jen said

“I wonder how he is doing.” Kyle said

“Well I know he will be excited to see us.” Said Jen


Chapter 2: The park.

After they were done eating they sat at the table for a minute or two. Jen was thinking about holly and kyle was looking at the table spaced out. he wanted to do something so he looked at his cousin and asked.

“So now what do you want to do?” asked Kyle

“Take a walk? Swimming?” said Jen

“how about a walk?” Kyle said

“Okay” Jen said

“Judy, me and Kyle are going to the park” Jen said

“Okay” Judy said

Jen walked to her car. It was a black Impreza. She loved the car and there were no scratches or dents. She had the car for a couple months now and only took it out a few times. This was her dream car and she got it.

“Common Kyle lets go” Jen said as she unlocked the doors

“Nice car Jen, I like it” Kyle said

“Thanks” Jen said smiling

Kyle got into the passenger side and Jen Started the car. When the arrived at the park, Jen shut off the car and they went to the Blue Trail. They stopped by the river and sat for a while. Jen was looking at the clear and she could hear the waterfall. It was very peaceful. She closed her eyes and took of her shoes and socks. She put her feet in and felt relaxed. All of a sudden she got pushed in. She looked back and Britt was standing there.

“Hey Britt” Jen said as she swam around

“Hey Jen, when you get out don’t hug me please” Britt said

“So how did u know I was here?” Jen asked

“Well I was driving and I saw your car so I knew that you were on the trail cause you love the peacefulness and you weren’t on the swings.” Britt explained

“Plus I come here a lot” Jen said

Jen got out of the river and sat down. She let the sun dry her off for a while and the noticed that the sun was going down. She frowned. Jen saw britt standing there waiting for someone to break the silence. Jen finally opened her mouth and said.

“So Britt what’s new?” Jen asked

“Oh nothing just been busy” Britt said

“Well I haven’t seen you in a year and I hope we can catch up some day to see how each other is doing” Jen said

“Yea when were not busy” Britt said

They walked back to their cars. Jen opened the trunk and grabbed a towel, she wrapped herself in it and looked in the trunk more closely, she saw a pair of close in there that she put in there a few days earilier.
"im going to go get changed" Jen said walking to the womans bathroom. She dropped the towel and then took off her clothes, she got changed and when she walked back to her car Kyle was already in it waiting for Jen. Britt was still in her spot and texting on her phone. Jen sighed and then walked over to britt.

“Well Britt I guess Ill Talk to you sometime” Jen said

“Okay, see ya” Britt said

“Common Kyle Lets go see Hunter” Jen said

“I’ve been waiting to see him” Said Kyle


Chapter 3: Hunter


Jen drove the car home and they went into the house.

Hunter was in the living room watching T.V. Everytime he came over he would be on the couch watching cartoons or on the computer playing games.

“Hey Judy is hunter here yet?” Jen asked as she was in her room putting stuff away

“Yea he should be in the living room.” Judy said

When jen came out of her room Hunter was running down the hallway and hugged Jen. Jen almost screamed cause he came running at her. Hunter almost knocked her over. He gotten bigger then the last time they saw him.

“Hey hunter” Jen said hugging him

“Hey Jen” Hunter said

“HUNTER!!!!” Kyle said

“KYLE!!!” Hunter said as he ran and hugged Kyle

“Kyle I’m going to be right out, I need to change so can you keep him busy for me?” Jen asked

“Yea that’ll be easy. Just like old times.” Said Kyle

Jen went into her room and got changed into something more comfertable. When Jen returned Hunter and Kyle were watching T.V. Jen sat next to Hunter.

“So Hunter, how have you been?” Jen asked

“I’ve been good” Hunter answered

A couple minutes later Hunter got up and looked at Jen

“Jen where’s Holly” He asked

“Hold on let me check and see where she is” Jen said

Jen walked down the hallway and stopped at Judy’s room

“Judy” Jen said

“Yes Jen?” Judy said

“Did Holly wake up yet?” Jen asked

“Go See if she did” Judy said

“Okay” Jen said

Jen went to the garage door. She opened it and saw that Holly’s truck was gone. Jens eyes grew huge in horror, a million questions ran through her head. What was she to say? She went back to Judy’s room.

“Judy… Holly’s truck is gone.” Jen said

“Maybe she went somewhere.” Judy said

Jen went into the kitchen and got some fruit. She went into the living room and sat down.

“Jen where’s Holly at?” Hunter asked.

Before taking a bite of her fruit she answered

“To the store”

“Wait what do you mean?” asked Kyle.

Jen told Kyle to follow her to her room.

“When I looked in the garage the truck was gone.” Jen explained.

“Didn’t you take the keys?” asked Kyle

“No I didn’t. I left them in there, anyways the side door was locked and no one could get into the garage.” Jen explained.

“But what if she blacks out again?” Kyle asked

“She better not and plus she couldn’t cause its not hot out.” Jen said.

Jen and Kyle went into the living room and sat down to watch T.V. They were watching cartoons with hunter and hunter was telling them about it. Thats what he always did.

They sat there for an hour.

“So Jen you want to go into your room and play the game cube for a little while?” Kyle asked

“Sure, what game?”

“Mario party? Super Smash Bros Melee?” Kyle asked

“How about Super Smash Bros Melee?” Jen said

“Okay” Kyle said

They went into the room and left Hunter on the couch. They played for a while and then Jen herd the garage door slam.

“I hope that’s Holly” Jen said




Note: There is more but i got to type it up, i want to know how you guys like it


I edited it so it could be better

[Baya]

Good story, but you should be more detailed and refrain from using net talk in it like, "OMG", or "WTF" stuff like that.

[WildSimba]

It's a good story. I just have a few criticisms.

1. The plot is a tad bit jumpy... and has a bit too many characters, for me to actually keep in line with them. As far as I was able too see, the characters are just there too fill in space, and... well, I don't know, it just wasn't right too me.
2. Maybe you can do a little bit less talking, and more descriptions? It's hard to keep in line with a story, when it's like like... Judy went to the store. "Omg, it's jennifer, hi jennifer!". Does that really make sense, who is jennifer, why is she there, and why does the character of judy know her. Can you see a description there? No you can not.
3. You should try and refrain from using words like WTF, and OMG, in your story, it makes it a little less attactive.

Other then that, continue. It's good.

[Cloverclaw]

sooo now re-read it and see if i did better