Cousin's Journey

[Starshine]

What if Mheetu didn't die at a young age? What if he lived until he was old enough to have cubs? What if he had cubs? Mheetu did live and he had two cubs with his cubhood friend, Zuna. But the day his cubs, Starshine and Taina, were born he was killed by Zira. Zuna then hid the cubs in a rocky outcropping where she thought they would be safe. When they were a week old Zira found Zuna and killed her. The cubs saw everything but were to scared to move until the next day. They slowly climbed down the rocks and went over to Zuna. They rubbed their heads against her head and she opened her eyes. She was near death but she wasn't dead yet. "Listen to me cubs... you need to find, Zuza, Kiara's cub... he'll take care of you because you're younger," Zuna said weakly, "Remember you're father, Mheetu, and I will always be watching you... from the stars and the clouds... I love you both." She closed her eyes and died. The cubs cried but stayed by Zuna until they could finally walk away. Starshine was pure white but she had a tiny star shaped mark under her right eye. Taina was a light golden color with white fur on end of his tail. And this is their story.



Tell me whether I should continue or not.

[Mike]

In answer to your question I'd always say keep pushing yourself =) The more you do the more you can do!

As to the story itself, I think you need to work on organizing things into paragraphs, including dialogue. You need to post a bit more material to get a really good judgment of skill, but it's looking up so far

[KiarasMate]

Sounds like an interesting start to what could be a very intriguing story Starshine. ^^ Yes, please continue, since it's too preemptive to judge the story itself as of right now, I'd love to read more.

[Starshine]

Taina walked away and Starshine followed. During the first week they didn't eat anything except a little bird that fell out of a tree and died. Every night Starshine would stare up at the sky and look for Zuna and Mheetu but she never saw them. Taina would stay awake to make sure Starshine didn't get into any trouble. Finally Starshine fell asleep beside Taina and then he would also fall asleep. At two months old they could hunt their own food but they weren't taken as much of a threat. "Taina I'm going to get this one," Starshine said stalking towards a baby antilope. The Mother saw her coming and knocked Starshine over with her nose. "Come back, Shine, you're bot going to get it," Taina said and, with her head hung low, she came back, "You'll get it next time." "Hopefully," Starshine said, "But we're not going to have dinner tonight." "I don't think so I'll bring it to you," he said and stalked towards the antilope. He pounced and was knocked out of the air by the baby. He shook his head and stood back up. He screamed and ran when he saw a big male lion running his way. "Starshine run!" Taina shouted and Starshine ran beside him, "Look! Over there!" They ran and hid in a cave made by a fallen tree and rocks. "Taina what happened?" Starshine asked but Taina didn't answer, "Maybe he knows where Zuza is." "Maybe but remember what happened," Taina didn;'t get to finish before a dead antilope landed in front of the cave. Starshine ran forward but Taina grabbed her tail and pulled her back. Taina walked to the edge of the cave and looked up at the lion. "What are you doing?" Taina asked the lion. "I thought you'd be hungry so I brought you something to eat," the lion said, "Eat what you like of it." Taina just stood there looked at the meat and then up at the lion. "Back up," Taina said and the lion was confused, "I'm not letting Starshine out until I know she's safe." The lion walked away and layed down on a rock for enough away so that the cubs felt safe but close enough that he could hear what they said. "Okay, Shine, it's safe to eat," Taina said Starshine jumped on the antilope and began eating. "Taina I can't get past the bone," Starshine whined. Taina bit and scratched the bone but he couldn't get past it. "It's okay I can eat between it," Starshine said. After they got done eating they went back in the cave and fell asleep. When Taina woke up nothing was left of the antilope. He looked outside and saw the lion nearby sleeping. "Where's your parents cub?" the lion asked. "Does it matter?" Taina asked confused. "You're to young to be on your own," the lion said and stood up, "Where are you going?" "We're trying to find Zuza but we don't know where he is," Taina said and looked back at Starshine and then up at the lion, "Do you know where he is? Mother said his mother's name was Kiara." The lion smiled and nodded. "He's my son," the lion said Taina was surprised, "My name's Kovu and Kiara's my wife." "Will you take us to them?" Taina asked Kovu nodded, "Okay then I'll tell you everything I can remember on the way." Taina drug Starshine out and Kovu gently picked her up. "I'm Taina and that's my sister Starshine," Taina said walking beside Kovu. "Starshine and Taina?" Kovu thought, "Such strange names for such strange cubs." Taina told, mostly, everything he could remember. "My parents names were Mheetu and Zuna," Taina said and Kovu nearly dropped Starshine, "Becareful!" Starshine woke up and Kovu set her down. "We had heard Mheetu had cubs but we didn't think they were alive," Kovu said and the cubs looked at him confused, "Mheetu is Nala's brother, Kiara's Mother, he was killed by Zira... Nala will be so happy to know his cubs live." Kovu looked down at the cubs and saw that Taina was cleaning some blood off Starshine's face.



Thanks for the words of support TLK fans. I'm very good at putting things into paragraphs and this is my first TLK story since first grade. This story is also told from narrater's POV so it's a bit more difficult then my first person POV stories.

[KiarasMate]

A nice start to your story my friend. Like Mike pointed out though, you might want to work on structuring your post a bit more, so it doesn't turn out as one really long block of text. Also, you might want to add a tad bit more detail in between each action and phrase spoken and performed by your characters, as it sort of comes across as just one straight event right after the next. I think there is still a lot of potential to be found within your writing. You just need to hone your skills a bit. I'm enjoying your story thus far however, and I look forward to reading more as you post it. Keep up the excellent work my friend. ^^

[CommandoTheLion]

hmm very nice start but you should break it up into paragraphs so its easier to read