Chapter 3: Your Future
I had managed to avoid discussing the issue with him that day, but I knew my luck was running out. Before I knew it, we were seeing Sarabi off, as she walked confidently and boldly away with Mufasa and Uru, the rest of us left in a cheery air that was only bittersweet to me. From that moment on, I was on a timer. As promised, my father didn’t bother me at first, as Sarabi wasn’t settled in yet. But after little more than a week, our majordomo, a cheetah named Rajah, reported that he’d been sought out by the hornbill majordomo of the Pride Lands, Zazu, with news that Sarabi and Mufasa were settled in and both were happy. That’s the day when my hell truly began.
Every day, at least once, my mother would corner me and demand to know when I would marry Hari. My father would tell me each day, “if you don’t set a date, soon, I will set one for you.” Hari continued to become more affectionate and flirtatious with me, and Diku and Dwala continued to insist that I was lucky and that I was being stupid for not getting married already. I was so overwhelmed that I became bitter, and began to develop a disliking for Mufasa, and for Sarabi. If he hadn’t come here, if Uru hadn’t brought him here, this wouldn’t be happening now. Not only that, but if Sarabi hadn’t gone and fallen for him, so selfishly, then I would have never learned that I wasn’t in love with Hari. I’d be content with my place in the Circle of Life.
Now, I just couldn’t help but think this
wasn’t my place.
Deep down, I knew it wasn’t really Sarabi’s fault, nor Mufasa’s nor Uru’s. I needed someone to blame though, and I needed someone to be angry at other than myself. And I
was angry with myself. I cared about him, really, and truly, I did. He had been my best friend for a long time. I loved him so dearly. Why couldn’t I be in love with him? Why couldn’t I love him the right way? It pained me to know that he felt more for me than I did for him, to know that I would have to hurt him, or live a lie. And right now, I wanted more than anything not to be Naanda, not to be the daughter of King Mahesha, not to be
me.
Everyone could tell something was bothering me, but they didn’t know what. They told me to get my act together, mostly, but Hari had asked more than once what was wrong. I didn’t tell him. How could I? Especially if I was going to have to go through with this. I just told him that I was upset about Sarabi, that I missed her. Everyone accepted this explanation, but I was then told that hurrying my own wedding would provide me with a happy event to distract me. I felt so lost. Why did everyone want for me something I didn’t want for myself? Did I have a choice in the matter at all?
One day found me crying alone near the edge of our kingdom, right near the border of the jungle and its neighboring savannah when Rajah happened upon me. The cheetah cocked his head and flicked his whiskers before gently placing a paw on my shoulder. I looked into his eyes, feeling the tears staining my face even as they blurred my vision. He looked concerned, and being as we’d known each other for quite a long time I couldn’t blame him. But I didn’t know if I should talk to him about this, what was to stop him from reporting it to my father immediately?
“What’s wrong, princess?” he asked softly.
“What are you doing here?” I sobbed back at him.
“I was on an errand. That’s not important. Something is bothering you—and I for one don’t buy that story that it’s Sarabi’s absence what’s got you in a bad way,” he replied, lowering himself onto his haunches, “You can talk to me, Naanda. You know that. I’ll keep your secrets.”
Looking up at him, and the sincere look on his visage, and desperately needing someone to talk to, I knew I couldn’t resist the offer. My tears multiplied, practically blinding me as they rolled down my cheeks and I sobbed loudly, “There’s—there’s a p-problem with my wedding to Hari!”
“What is it?” he asked, alarmed.
“I didn’t know,” I cried, “I didn’t know!”
“What are you talking about?”
“If I had, if I had known, I would have done something before it became too late,” I gasped.
“Naanda?”
“But then Sarabi… and Mufasa, oh to hell with such happiness!”
“Naanda!”
When Rajah shouted, I stopped rambling involuntarily, for a moment I couldn’t even make a sound, and then I was sobbing again. I rose on my paws, rubbing at the tears on my face and turning my back to him. “I’m sorry,” I began, “I shouldn’t be acting this way. I should be composed and proper; but I can’t. It’s been bothering me so
much. Until Mufasa came along and Sarabi and him began to fall for each other… I didn’t know anything was wrong. Rajah… I can trust you right? I can trust you with my secret, with the knowledge that I am not in love with my betrothed?”
“Naanda…” he murmured, and then suddenly the spotted cat’s paw was on my shoulder again. He nuzzled me gently, pulling me into a feline embrace.
“I’ve tried so hard to change my feelings, once I realized it was true… but I can’t. Mum and Dad will be so disappointed if I say so… I don’t know what to do. I can’t marry him. I can’t not marry him.”
“You have to be true to your heart. It’s the only way,” the cheetah whispered.
“Gee thanks, Rajah, that totally
isn’t what Sarabi told me…” I grumbled sarcastically, leaning away from him. He frowned, obviously wanting to help but not sure how.
“I won’t tell your parents and Hari. But you have to figure out what to do with your life, princess,” he reminded me.
“My sister said that too. Ugh, if I just knew how to do that. I need more time but I don’t have any. I can’t put it off much longer,” I explained.
He sympathized, and we had a long talk, in which I opened up to him quite a lot. Unfortunately, just talking to someone didn’t help much. I knew Rajah wanted what was best for me, and he seemed to favor me telling the truth and trying to get out of this marriage, but I wasn’t sure that was what my heart wanted. It didn’t want me to live this lie, and marry Hari, but it also detested the idea of letting him and my family down equally. I was at a loss, and I was running out of ways to postpone the wedding. Just when all hope seemed lost and I thought that my father would set the date for me, something happened that no one had expected, something that took everyone’s minds off of my wedding for a little while. Something that would help me decide what to do.
She arrived.
A lone lioness entered our kingdom and had requested a meeting with our king. My father had obliged, meeting her somewhere away from our hidden dens. No one knew what they were discussing in private, but soon he brought her into our home, and granted her sanctuary. In one of the caves, we sat gathered together beneath a higher ledge used for announcements. My father perched atop the ledge, the newcomer and my mother at his sides. The rest of the pride lay collected on the cave’s floor before him, and he spoke loudly enough only for us to be able to hear him.
“My friends, this is Ajaili, she will be staying with us for a little while. Please do not pester her, and do not query as to why she is here,” he started to step down, but the lioness stepped up beside him.
“I’d like to tell them that, actually. No secrets,” she said, “not anymore.”
“Ajaili, I urge you to reconsider,” he insisted, in the way I’d become more than accustomed to. She simply shook her head and stepped forward, and from the moment I saw her properly, I was fascinated with her. Her demeanor was intriguing, with a quiet and subtle strength about her. And her appearance was wild, fierce, untamed and beautiful. Her scruffy fur was a creamy beige colour that brought to mind images of the savannah. She had blazing red eyes and a stern look about her. She’d clearly seen a lot in her time, and it showed in the scarring on her pelt, intricate designs marring her fur in this strangely wonderful way. And then, she spoke.
“As Mahesha says, my name is Ajaili. I have traveled far, seeking an escape from a hell. I was once a princess, but I was not without enemies. I was the heir to the throne, and my younger sisters envied me for it. The eldest of them, well, she saw to it that I was framed for the murder of my father, and I’ve been serving a sentence in the termite mounds prison of the Outlands for many moons because of this. I tried to convince them of my innocence, but there was nothing to prove it so they wouldn’t listen. In a prison riot, I escaped the termite mounds, and have been on the run ever since. Your king has heard the full story, and judges me fit to stay her for a while; I will not harm you. I am one and you are many. I don’t want any trouble, and I don’t expect anything from you. I just needed to tell my story to someone,” she explained.
I knew my sisters would never kill our father, much less lay the blame on me, but I felt drawn to her. She had been in my place. My sisters envied me, just as hers had envied her. I couldn’t get the story she told out of my head, even when she’d left the spotlight, and most pride members had left the cave. Tanglemane stayed and we talked about the strange lioness for a while. He didn’t know whether to believe her or not. I wanted to believe her. We both felt that the situation was sad, and we had the kind of moment we hadn’t had in ages—the kind where we sat down and talked like the friends we were instead of like two lions about to be forced into marriage with one another.
Her presence was like a gift from the Great Kings. No one asked when I’d get married because everyone was asking her about prison. About her life. About the things that had happened to her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, no one could, and I tried to talk to her as much as possible. With everyone so drawn to her, that wasn’t particularly common, but when I did talk with her, I gave her a break from the same old pestering. She seemed very indifferent to everything, but I knew it had to bother her. Instead, I tried to get to know Ajaili the lioness, rather than Ajaili the convicted ex-princess.
She was surprisingly kind and gentle, and I admired her. The longer she stayed and the more we learned of her, the more I believed that she was innocent—she was like me after all. She’d never really wanted her father’s throne. I liked showing her how much I understood her, but I didn’t get to let her know a lot about me. She’d always have to leave to deal with the rest of the pride, or to get food before we could discuss too much. But that didn’t stop me from counting her as a friend. In much too short a time for my liking, she was moving on in her quest, leaving our pride much less interesting than it had been. The day of her departure was rather disappointing for me.
I watched from the branch of a tree as she strode away through the trees, her muscular legs carrying away her graceful form, and I felt as though something inside—my heart, or perhaps my stomach—was sinking down to rest betwixt my paws on the limb. When she had gone, I remained for a while in the tree, my mind whirling, my thoughts jumbled, before finally descending, padding back to our pride’s home, and lunging through a waterfall into a typically deserted cave. It was too small for more than a lion or two, and in many cases was only used by expecting mothers when they were ready to give birth. We had no expecting lionesses at present, so I felt that surely I’d be left in peace here. In truth, I wasn’t sure why I wanted to be left alone at this moment, but I desired it all the same, and so, I tucked my paws beneath my body and came to rest against the stone floor, feeling the gentle pricks of dried grass that had been tossed in here long ago against my tender belly. It was comfortable, alone, and safe. I let my eyelids droop to a close and drifted off to sleep.
Visions haunted my nap, however, showing me scenes of unmistakable bliss. I found myself lying peacefully in a vast and grassy meadow, with no other lions around, save a beautiful creamy beige lioness with sparkling crimson eyes. Ajaili lay softly against the grass, not far from myself, a gentle and caring smile aimed at me. I couldn’t help but return the smile. In response, she purred, and rolled over closer to me. My body tensed, as little chills rolled across my spine—my instinct was to move away from her, but I wanted to stay, to be closer even. My heart hammered in my chest, and I could feel the sensation of nervous butterflies flapping about in my belly. Tentatively, I inched towards her.
The scarred lioness laughed, a melodious pleasant sound that beckoned me nearer, “It’s okay, Naanda. No one is here to stop us.”
“Stop us?” I asked, giving her a quizzical look.
“Yes. We are alone, just us two. We can do whatever we like…” with that, she winked at me, and I knew what she meant. The lioness before me was gazing into my eyes with such a seductive expression that I’d have to have been an idiot not to follow. Everything in the dream became hazy, but I could feel happiness, bliss, and magic. My chest swelled up with positive, good feelings, the kind of things I wasn’t experiencing in reality. It was amazing! I felt so alive, so happy, so
good, it was like nothing I’d ever felt. When I awoke, I could swear I still felt her warmth on me.
Seeing she was not here, and coming back to reality, I knew now that I wished more than anything to have gone with her. I wanted to spend my time with a lioness like her. I felt so silly for thinking it, everyone knows that lionesses do not do the things she had alluded to in my dreams with one another, but with a lion. I shrugged it off as simply being too infatuated with the idea of an interesting and relatable stranger. I would have continued to think of it that way, except that it didn’t happen only the once. No, I dreamt of her each night for several days. I couldn’t stop thinking about her when I was awake either. My parents continued to ask me when I would marry Hari, and when they would say such things, I found a part of myself wanting to reply, “Can’t Diku or Dwala marry him? Why can’t I marry someone like Ajaili?” I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud to them, however, and at last decided that I should bring these things to Tanglemane himself. No matter what, I knew that my friend deserved to know the truth.
With a heavy heart, and paws that felt full of lead, one day I strode through the woods with him at my side (it hadn’t been hard to convince him to come on a walk with me) in search of a place far enough from nosy ears to speak with him. He talked merrily about this and that, but I didn’t have the heart to respond well enough, knowing what I planned to discuss with him. At length, our weary paws came to a rest in a clearing significant distance from the pride. As we sat down, Hari nuzzled me affectionately. I shied away, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“So. I’m really curious when we’re going to get married, Naanda. You’ve not been looking so sad anymore, so I know you’re getting over Sarabi leave—” he started, but I didn’t let him finish.
“It was never about that, Tanglemane, I’m sorry. That’s, well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
He made a face at me as he stretched down closer to the ground and began to toy with the grass with his pawtoes. I took a step away from him, composed myself, and turned to face him once again. I did not sit nor lie down, but instead remained standing as I finally addressed the issue that had been plaguing my mind for at least a month or two now.
“Listen, Hari… I care about you a lot, I do. You really are the best friend I’ve ever had. And if Mufasa had never come here, I’d never have known that anything was wrong. You saw him with Sarabi, you saw what they had… and it’s been really eating at me to know that we don’t have it,” I began.
“What do you mean, ‘we don’t have it’?” he asked, a serious and heavy expression settling onto his features. I chewed at my lip before continuing.
“I’m so sorry. I tried so hard to make myself feel the same way about you that my sister does about Mufasa, but I can’t. I tried,” I repeated, a few tears bubbling up in my eyes and spilling down across my cheeks.
“Naanda, what are you talking about? What do you mean?” he inquired. He obviously didn’t want to believe what he was hearing. I didn’t blame him. I took a deep breath.
“Hari I tried. I wanted to be in love with you, but I’m not… what’s more, I don’t think I can ever love a lion… it’s nothing against you because you are fantastic, please understand… I’ve been having these dreams about Ajaili. I can’t stop thinking about her. I sometimes wish that I had left with her, that she and I were to be married… I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know what I’ll do about it, but I can’t lie to you. You mean so much to me, and you’re the one I’m supposed to be marrying, and… well I thought you should know that,” I explained at last. His face contorted into an expression I couldn’t read. I remained stationary, tears dribbling slowly down my face, trying to figure out what he was thinking, how he’d react.
For a long time he remained still, laying there on the grass carpet of the forest floor, making that strange face, not so much as speaking or twiddling his pawtoes. I couldn’t help but cry more, staying on my four paws as I stared at him awaiting a response. At long last, he rose, approached me, took a deep breath, and placed his chin against my neck, comforting me with a leonine hug. I shuddered, unsure of how to react and just let the tears continue to drip from my face, down my muzzle, and across my lips down to my chin, the salty taste filling my mouth easily.
“It’s not your fault, Naanda. You can’t make yourself love me,” he said softly, his voice seeming strained, “And you shouldn’t have to marry me if you don’t. You should talk to your father, I’m sure he’ll understand.”
I moved back away from him so that I could see his face and queried, “What? Would you really be okay with that?”
“Honestly, won’t it be better this way?” he murmured, “If you don’t love me… well I’ll only be hurting myself to try and force you to be with me. You won’t enjoy any intimate moments, you won’t want to do anything romantic… ahem. I’d being going through more pain to be with you but
not with you than not to be with you at all.”
I sniffled.
“Do you really think my father will let me out of the marriage?”
“Why wouldn’t he?”
“I don’t know… it just seems like he wouldn’t… I don’t need the throne either, though. Diku or Dwala can have it,” I went on.
“Don’t worry about the throne right now, Naanda. Worry about you. Do what’s best for you,” Hari encouraged me. Fresh tears welling up in my eyes, I found the courage to say what I desperately needed to.
“Thank you, Hari. You’re the best friend a lioness could have.”
He smiled, but I could see a hint of sorrow in it as he replied gently, “I know.”