The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

Postby dariusgib » December 24th, 2010, 2:44 pm

Hi this is Part III of the Circle of Life Fan series
I’m trying to keep you as updated as possible of the story and can people please stop sending me the message quality over quantity I ask you what is wrong with the quality. Ok here we go

Chapter I Awakening to surprises

Nala woke up. What had happened? Why is Kiara waving a leaf my face? Nala swiped the leaf out of her face. Her head was in confusion. What was going on again?
As her vision got better she saw Simba smiling at her. He gave her a loving nuzzle and lick. It was good to be home. Simba whispered in her ear. “Are you ready for the news?" And Nala remembered what happened.

Sarafina was lying in the other corner smiling. Sarabi had also come, returning from lying in the sun. She couldn’t see very well. Her old age was catching up with her. But her son’s bright colours lit up her eyes. Everyone gathered around her like obedient school children.
Sarafina was beside her best friend.
She prepared to tell the tale. “Now I know you’ve probably had a lot of theories on who Nala’s father is.” She said understandingly her eyes a bright sea.
“So you can say them now to get rid of trouble later”. They spoke almost simultaneously.

“Scar” Kovu said.

“Mufasa” Zazu said.

“Scar”. Kiara squeaked.

Nala shrunk embarrassed. She wanted to just disappear. Then everyone stared at Simba. He hadn’t made a theory yet.

Simba started to sweat. Hyenas now this. “Umm." He said nervously. “Umm dad."
Sarabi shook her head. Silly boy
Then they stared at Nala. “Umm, Ni."
“Oh don’t be ridiculous Nala.” Sarabi said light heartedly. “He’s far too young and can’t you say someone’s handsome anymore without him being a potential mate." Nala shrunk again. Simba couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

Sarafina nodded. “Okay lets continue, oh I wish your brother was here Nala."

Zazu started to shake nervously. “Oh yes that would be good wouldn’t it, yes ah, yes," Everyone stared at him.

“Zazu," Said Nala firmly.

Chapter II Family Reunion

Mheetu was bored sitting in the cave. Is this the gratitude I get for what I did. I get locked in a cave and told to stay put until authority comes. Oh he wanted to give that little hornbill a piece of his mind.

Suddenly Nala ran into the cave and hit Mheetu softly, but still painfully in the face.

“Hi sis." Moaned Mheetu. Nala looked at her brother for the first time in years.

He was strongly built and looked a lot like Simba. Except with a chocolate brown mane and blue eyes and a kind of intelligent look to him. And claw marks on his arms. Not very deep but some bite marks. Quite deep and fresh.

“Where have you been Mheetu for the past years?"

“I’ve been drifting, travelling till Scar fell. Which I wouldn’t of known had that kid not told me."

“What kid?" Nala said her eyes widening, the sea within them glowing in the sun and shifting now and then.

Mheetu loved his sister to much not to tell.

“Kopa." He said.

And so he told his story.

Chapter III A Truth Within a Truth

It was a time long before Kiara met Kovu again and during Kiara’s infancy. Mheetu was tired. And he rested by an oasis in the desert landscape. The golden landscape boiling like water.
Mheetu was swimming in the oasis to keep cool when he saw a lion.
In his teens. In mane not fully grown walking, tears in his eyes to the oasis to drink. Mheetu taking pity seeing he had begun like this came out and walked to his side.
At first the lion trembled in fear. “Please don’t kill me I’m sorry if this is your spot ill leave." The lion prepared to run.
Mheetu lifted his paw, it had a strange claming effect.
“No it’s fine you may rest here." As the lion rested and drank. Mheetu asked him some questions.
“What is your name?"

“My name is Kopa."

“Who are your parents?"

“I don’t want to talk about it."

“Where are you going?"

“Nowhere."

Mheetu felt pity. And had a plan

“Why don’t you come with me?" Kopa looked up and his face was engulfed with joy. To be taken under such a great mans wings would be an honour.
“Yes I’d love to." Mheetu smiled. His loneliness was gone.

Months past. Kopa and Mheetu were great friends they felt like brothers, comrades in arms. They travelled across Africa leaving no place unexplored once nearly climbing Kilimanjaro.
But there minds changed when they were near the prideland borders again.
They were walking, telling jokes and sharing in each others experiences when suddenly a familiar face came apon them.
“Hello Mheetu." The hyena said.

“Hello Banzai." Mheetu said. They’d met before. And it wasn’t a friendly encounter.

“What do you want Banzai." Mheetu growled. His blue eyes appearing to go darker. The hyena smiled with his band of warriors he gestured.

“Oh I’m not here over are past, Mheetu son of a courtesan, I’m here for the boy." He pointed to Kopa who started to look worried.

“What would you want with him?" Mheetu roared, not willing to give up his friend.

Banzai tutted. Courtesan’s sons he thought. Always so aggressive.

“His parents are very, powerful and he could be of use to the empire. So hand him over. And we won’t kill you."

Mheetu stared at Kopa who stared at him. We would talk about this later. Staying alive was far more important.

“No Banzai, I won’t hand him over."

“Oh well”. He said with fake disappointment. “Men." He pointed at them and the four hyenas knew what to do. They charged.
Mheetu stared at Kopa. Kopa stared at Mheetu. They knew exactly what to do.

The hyenas where being beaten. Mheetu clawed one before slapping another. Kopa was doing it equally well. Beating of the annoying insects.
Banzai soon tutted. Get children to do his work. Not any more. Banzai charged. And he didn’t go down as easy.
Banzai slammed Mheetu to the floor, who struggled to get up.
The other hyenas had fled. But Kopa dared not intervene.
Mheetu threw Banzai off like a rock then gripped him. Both of them stood on their hind legs against each other. Both eager to dig each others claws into their face.
But Banzai seeing no one could win bounced of him and ran. He had been defeated. But he would get revenge.

Mheetu lay on the ground, panting for breath. And Kopa waited for the grilling he was going to get.
When Mheetu was ready he suddenly pounced on Kopa and pinned him down. Kopa was scared. And felt betrayed.
Mheetu had his claw against his throat. Though this was incredible threatening. Mheetu would never kill his friend.
But he needed to know. And this seemed the only option.

“Who are your mother and father?” he shouted.

“It’s not important." Kopa started crying his tears hurt Mheetu but he continued.

“We nearly got killed back there because of this, tell me who they are!"
Kopa broke.
“My father is Simba he is king of the pridelands”. Mheetu let go of Kopa in surprise.

My sister’s best friend is king?
“My mother is Nala; she is queen of the pridelands." Kopa said his tears turned to anger.
My sister is married to Simba? Wow I’ve been gone long.
Before Kopa could shout at Mheetu they saw something in the distance. A raging battle as the rain started to fall, Pridelanders against Outsiders

“Are they fighting."

“Vitani." Kopa gasped.

Chapter IV Memories Lost and Found

Nala thought for a moment. Her thoughts felt like they were on replay. She sat there for ten minutes. Retracing every step taken in her life.
Occasionally the sea would spit sad tears.
The mind is a delicate thing. It need to rest.
She retraced everything. Her meeting Simba. The death of Mufasa. Her friend Cara’s disappearance, Mheetu when he left. When Scar tried to rape her. All these memories in replayed in such short time.
Even Nala was surprised.
Mheetu and Nala walked into the cave where everyone was waiting.
It was clear that they had got bored and left and done other things. Sarafina was sitting in the hot seat again. She smiled when she saw Mheetu walk in.

“Come here." She said lovingly beckoning Mheetu.
Mheetu walked over sad. Expecting an essay on how stupid he had been.
And he would take it.
But instead Sarafina licked him and told him the equivalent to him of twenty-five essays, five-adventures and belonging he had never felt due to his absence in three words.

“I love you." She whispered. From this Mheetu burst into tears and snuggled up to her like a cub again.
He didn’t want to look tough.
He had done that for years.
He just wanted his mummy. Sarafina comforted him occasionally saying
“there, there” or “mummy’s here”.
There wasn’t a single dry eye in that cave.

Chapter V So Many Truths So Little Time

When Mheetu had calmed down he lay next to Sarafina. Resting his strong head on her back.
Hearing her heart beat and it filled him with joy.
“Now she said, because of today’s incident."
She stared at Kiara and Zazu. Kiara snuggled next to Kovu,
Zazu just stood there.
“The shock has allowed me to remember who my lover was and therefore Nala and Mheetu’s father."
Simba sat there and smiled. This was going to be interesting.
Before they could begin though, Kopa walked in.
His mane was fully grown but ragged from the long days of travelling, he had some fresh cuts from the hyena attack and his eyes looked tired and red from crying.
It had been a long day.
Kopa lay down in-between Kiara and Simba and tried to get as close to Nala as he could. Family he thought was the only cure for his sadness.

And so Sarafina began.

It was a hot August night. And the lioness were preparing for sleep.
Mufasa had just become king and was preparing to have his child also.
Sarabi curtsied Sarafina good night. But Sarafina was too excited to sleep.
Her best friend was queen. Who knew what was going to happen.
To try and calm herself down she went to the waterhole to drink.
The cool refreshing drink of life made her shiver.
How good it tasted.
“I’ll stay here for a bit." She thought “Just to calm down a bit more.”
Mpenzi was scared. His pride was coming to kill him because of him walking into the pridelands to much.
They thought he was a spy.
Mpenzi looked exactly like Mheetu but less well built, more in his teens but still with a flowing mane.
He knew they wouldn’t wander this far into the pridelands to kill him. They’d get killed themselves.
He stopped for a drink by the waterhole. And decided to swim in it to cool himself down.
While he was swimming undetected when he saw a beautiful lioness drinking. Mpenzi heart started beating fast.
He started to sweat even in the waterholes cool temperature.
He was in love and he knew it. Before he could control himself he walked out of the waterhole and said to her
“Saluta bella leona.”
Sarafina was taken aback and turned round in shock.

“Hello.” She said nervously, she was also beginning to feel love.

“How are you,” he said in a caring, loving voice.

“I’m fine.” She said stuttering. This had never happened before. “I’m hot though do you mind going under some shade”.

“That fine.” He said, he could tell they had mutual feeling for each other.

As they went under the tree Sarafina lay on Mpenzi and looked up at him with her blue, loving eyes.
Mpenzi smiled and licked her. She licked back and soon they playfully pounced on each other and Mpenzi was on top of her.
And Sarafina made herself look as beautiful as possible. Eyes, face, everything had to be perfect. And it was.

They later would feel the love tonight.

Mpenzi woke up.
It was early in the morning.
The sun was reluctantly climbing the sky.
He felt something heavy on top of him. It was Sarafina, still asleep.
Mpenzi pushed her off and licked her. He felt proud of himself. He loved Sarafina and intended to be with her forever. But then a thought struck him.
I’ve mated with one of Mufasa’s lionesses. He’ll kill me. Who knows what he’ll do to Sarafina to find out who i am.
In panic Mpenzi paced. He had to think of something. Then he tripped on a rock and fell into a section of undergrowth beside the tree.
“Oww.” Mpenzi thought.
As he got up he saw a strange kind of plant. One that he had a gut feeling would help him.
He picked the plant and while whispering in Sarafina ear. “I’m so sorry I have to do this amore.”
He put the plant in her mouth and ran.
The plant would be in years time be used by humans to make the drug Rupylin.
Sarafina woke up with no knowledge of what happened.
And it was a bigger surprise when several months later, Mheetu and Nala were born.

Everyone sat there in amazement. They had never expected something so beautiful or something so complex.
Sarafina smiled at Nala and Mheetu.
“At least they know.” She thought. “At least they know.”
Kovu soon stood up.
“I wish we knew where Mpenzi was.” He said with great sorrow and disappointment. Kiara licked him to cheer him up.
Sarafina also looked sad.

Then Zazu started shacking nervously and everyone stared at him.

“Zazu” Simba said. “I’m taking away your right to arrest people.”

End of Part III sorry for being so long

Music inspiration
The battle in Chapter III was inspired by the Beatles song Within you and Without you

Inspiration
Cara's disapperance is based on her disapperance in the fan fic Nala; The Story Of A Broken Heart by Arani
Rupylin i have to admit would of never been in this without the film The Hangover to tell me what the heck it did.
Banzai character is being moulded to be alot like Claude Frollo from Hunchback of Notre-Dame and Javert from Les Miserables
Mheetu's apperance is based on this photo Image
Some people think this is Tojo but i don't like to think it is.
Though his birds are Tojo's but thats reviled in Part IV

The joke about fanting was to kind of be a reference to the comedy Worst Week Of My Life the UK version
Last edited by dariusgib on December 27th, 2010, 8:03 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

Postby Azdgari » December 24th, 2010, 4:37 pm

What we mean about quality, Darius, is that you have a lot of grammatical errors. Here, let me help you out with a few tips. ^^

When a character is thinking, you need it to be in italics. The first paragraph should look like this:

[quote]Nala woke up. What had happened? Why is Kiara waving a leaf my face? Nala swiped the leaf out of her face. Her head was in confusion. What was going on again?[/quote]

See how much better that looks? Otherwise it's extremely confusing to the reader. Also, you need line breaks when you write a fanfiction! It makes the story infinitely easier on the readers eyes. Right now it's a wall of text. With breaks, part one looks more like this:

[quote]Nala woke up. What had happened? Why is Kiara waving a leaf my face? Nala swiped the leaf out of her face. Her head was in confusion. What was going on again?

As her vision got better she saw Simba smiling at her. He gave her a loving nuzzle and lick. It was good to be home. Simba whispered in her ear. “Are you ready for the news?” And Nala remembered what happened.

Sarafina was lying in the other corner smiling. Sarabi had also come, returning from lying in the sun. She couldn’t see very well. Her old age was catching up with her. But her son’s bright colours lit up her eyes. Everyone gathered around her like obedient school children. Sarafina was beside her best friend.

She prepared to tell the tale. “Now I know you’ve probably had a lot of theories on who Nala’s father is.” She said understandingly, her eyes a bright sea.

“So you can say them now to get rid of trouble later.” They spoke almost simultaneously.

“Scar,” Kovu said.

“Mufasa,” Zazu said.

“Scar,” Kiara squeaked.

Nala shrunk, embarrassed. She wanted to just disappear. Then everyone stared at Simba. He hadn’t made a theory yet.

Simba started to sweat. Hyenas, now this. “Umm”. He said nervously. “Umm, dad?” <--- italics: Simba is thinking is thinking it

Sarabi shook her head. Silly boy.

Then they stared at Nala. “Umm, Ni.”

“Oh don’t be ridiculous Nala,” Sarabi said light heartedly. “He’s far too young and can’t you say someone’s handsome anymore without him being a potential mate.” Nala shrunk again. Simba couldn’t stop himself from smiling.
Sarafina nodded. “Okay lets continue, oh I wish your brother was here Nala.”

Zazu started to shake nervously. “Oh yes that would be good wouldn’t it, yes ah, yes,” Everyone stared at him.

“Zazu,” Said Nala firmly.[/quote]

Now I changed quite a number of things in there. Missing punctuation and changes of sentence fragments to complete sentences are bolded. Also, punctuation goes inside of quotation marks, not outside. But see how much easier that is to read? Each time there is a new speaker, there must be a new line. Follow that golden rule and your story will look much more professional. ^^

When I said quality over quality I don't want you to misinterpret that your story itself was low quality. I would never say that. :3
I only mean that your writing is choppy and needs a bit of refinement and some proofreading. With that, you could have yourself quite a story. This one has a lot less errors the the others, so I can see you put a little more time into it. If you want more suggestions, try reading Letters' fic Wokovu or Akril's masterpiece The Pride That Never Was. These are two examples of virtually flawless fanfic writing and they're both incredible stories as well. Hope I've helped, Darius, and I did enjoy reading this part of your fic. Have a great christmas! ^^
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Re: The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

Postby dariusgib » December 24th, 2010, 6:18 pm

thanks for the support. I thought the main complaints would be about how long it was or how Banzai is featured heavily in each one
its so long because i had to cram so much imformation in one fic so i wouldn't end up with later the circle of life part 50.
Also Banzai is heavily in each one because im doing alot with this character and his influence will be huge though the "devil will not be here for Christmas, but i assure you
i have alot of ideas how im going to futher devlop Zazu, Reth, Kopa. Mhettu', Sarafina, Sarabi, Timon,Vitani,Kovu and Kiaras character and much more.
Also i will check them out and i have edited this one and i will edit the other ones later. Still a bit confused though with the bold thing.
I will check out Akrills work sounds interesting.
Thank you for your support
By the way i read Faith loved it but i have put some problems i had with it on the topic.
Have a happy Christmas
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Re: The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

Postby Azdgari » December 24th, 2010, 7:06 pm

Well, the emboldened parts are what I changed. It's actually hard to see the punctuation when it's bold, but if you compare you'll see I added and shifted a great deal of punctuation marks. The emboldened words are mostly where I changed a sentence fragment into a complete sentence. What was previously "Wanting to disappear." is an incomplete sentence. Changing it to "She wanted to disappear makes it a complete sentence. With the 'okay': Ok is not actually a word. When written it's spelled 'okay'. Thank you for reading mine, I'll respond to your comments as best I can. ^^
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Re: The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

Postby dariusgib » December 24th, 2010, 7:11 pm

oh i understand now
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Re: The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

Postby Thegeni99 » December 25th, 2010, 12:10 am

woah this is awesome :D but you forgot to really include Vitani in the midst of all :oops: I mean what would she be up to during everything :?
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Re: The Circle of Life Part III The Truth

Postby dariusgib » December 26th, 2010, 12:45 pm

the thing with Vitani was in this was i needed to explain everthying fully
to make it not too long
and to mention Vitani
so i had to do with her name being mentioned in one line so that
people knew she would be mentioned more
and she would exhist in this series

Now all i will reveal is that another
oustsider lioness who was last seen when a dam burst will be having her moment in the lime light
also Vitani is more fully devolped in part IV the link is here
The Circle of Life IV A Pride Rock Christmas
viewtopic.php?f=8&t=13168
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