The Strongest Queen

The Strongest Queen

Postby GypsyRae » July 23rd, 2010, 12:47 am

im not sure if this is where i post my fan fiction, but im gonna post it here anyways :D if its not, then someone please help me. im new. :roll: ahah ok, i will add some art ot this soon :) ok here it is.

Mohatu: King of the pridelands, grandfather of muffasa and taka, father of Uru
Kila: Mohatu's mate (in my fan-fic)
Tamu: friend of Kila
Ghali: little sister of Mohatu (in my fan-fic)

Ch 1 A duty for a king.
The sky was painted orange and gold that fateful morning. Mohatu watched the sunrise with bitter sweet anticipation. He knew today was the day. He could no longer put off the inevitable. He and Kila had talked about it before but they never really took it seriously and how could he possibly leave hhis beloved mate behind to fend for herself. The auburn lion stared proudly over his kingdom. He smiled sadly as he remembered a time when water was plentiful and food was abundant, but that was not now. Nowadays, the pride lands were a shriveled, almost wasteland with a tiny water hole for all the animals to share from. It was almost impossible. Most the animals had moved on to better lands and only the stubborn ones had stayed. Thankfully for the lions, a clan of zebras had chosen to stay and wait out the drought. Mohatu had even thought of moving, but it was too risky; mothers had just bore new cubs and there was no way they were going to survive the journey. He shook his head and sighed. Leaving was the only way. He was the only one to find help, find water, or if worse came to worse, a new home. His thoughts were broken by a familiar and heart warming voice, “Good morning Mohatu” his mate Kila greeted. She nuzzled her head in his mane as he greeted back, “Good morning love” She smiled and looked into his eyes. Those eyes she has always loved ever since they were cubs, but they seemed less awake. Kila knew something was wrong right away. Her smile turned into a frown as she interigated him softly, “Whats wrong Mohatu? You seem… different?” Mohatu turned away, unable to face his mate and tell her his decision. She followed his gaze but still no answer. Finally, he gave some sort of relief, “Nothing” he faked a smile, “Nothing is wrong, why do you ask?” Kila nodded and said gently, “well I just…” she knew he was lying but she didn’t want to dig any deeper; afraid of what the answer might be. “never mind” she said as her expression softened and she came close to him. “Well I’m going out with the hunting group to try to find another possible water sorce” she said. Mohatu nodded but added, “No, you might want to stay here today” Kila looked at him with worried eyes but brushed it off. She nodded, “I guess you’re right, it seems hotter than usual today” Then she gave a final look of love to her mate and slinked off to where the other lionesses where grooming. Everyone greeted her and went back to their cubs. He best friend Tamu lazily sat next to her, cub close behind. “Morning Kila” she said, nudging the queen and then pulling her youngster into her arms for a thorough cleaning. “yes, morning Tamu.” Kila said back. “Mohatu said it would be best if we stayed here today, you know, out of the heat?” she said casually. Tamu tilted her head, “is that so? Hmm strange” Kila nodded in agreement then added, “well he did seem a little out of it today. He seemed almost sad.” Her friend stopped her licking and looked up at Kila with a smile. “Well I know what might cheer him up” she nudged, “tell him the surprise! It’s the perfect time” A grin spread across Kila’s face. “You’re right! I totally forgot! Oh he’ll be so happy!” she beamed. “Am I going to have a little cousin?” the tiny cub in Tamu’s arms giggled and jumped. Tamu quickly silenced her “Shhh!” she nuzzled the cub’s tummy, “it’s a surprise!” Kila was so over wellmed with joy, she nuzzled her friend and ran off to tell her mate. She ran up to where he had been sitting earlier that morning on a higher ledge of pride rock. When she got there, she looked around for him but he was not there. Out of breath she called for him. Kila ran to the shady area at the bottom to find him, but again he was no where to be seen. “Mohatu!?” she called. Suddenly a voice came from behind her, “can find him eh?” It was Ghali, Mohatu’s younger sister. She was a beautiful adolescent with dark orange eyes and a perfect build. “No” Kila laughed nervously, “I cant.” Ghali smiled and motioned toward the last trees behind pride rock, “He’s resting over there” the young queen nodded and thanked her then ran off to find her mate. Beneath the cool shade of the trees she saw him laying there. He was staring off into the distance at something unknown. Kila felt a sense of greif as she sat down next to him. “There you are” she purred. His tired face looked up with love. Then he bagand to stand. “no” Kila said, nudging him, “don’t get up, lets lay here a while” But Mohatu shook his head and said, “Kila, darling, I have to tell you something” She blinked with surprise, “oh, well, I also have to tell you something” she purred into his mane, “but you go first” She smiled. Mohatu gazed at her with sad eyes. “walk with me” he said. She followed him confused and wondering what he could possibly say. They walked side by side through the pridelands. They walked for quite sometime. They walked past the dry river bed, the dead trees, past the herbivores and through the tall grass. Finally they came to the driest part of the pridelands; the border where the desert met the bush. Kila looked around in confused silence. Mohatu had a pained expression on his face as he pulled his love close. “Why are we here?” she said into his mane. When they pulled away her face was unsure and she stepped away in bewilderment. Mohatu looked away, then he came close to her. He opened his mouth, unsure of how to start. “Listen Kila,” he began, “the drought its…” Kila knew right away and tears filled her eyes. “now listen Kila,” he tried to calm her but she shook. “Kila you know I must leave. I have to. Its my duty as king to protect my kingdom and those who inhabit it. I-I have to go” He said hoarsely. She shook he head, “no Mohatu, you- you don’t have to go! You’ll die out there! Lets just stay here! In the pridelands!” she choked out but she knew it was no use, she knew deep inside he was right. “I cant be queen here all by myself! With all the trouble brewing! The hyenas and the zebras are on the brink of war! And I have to keep that all in check on my own!?” She yelled. Mohatu let some tears well but pushed them back. “I know this is hard for you… its even harder for me, to leave you here. I wish I didn’t have to” She fell into him and wept into his fur. “I just don’t want to loose you” she cried. He held her loving embrace for as long as he could, but it was time to go. Kila’s tears splashed onto the scorched earth. Mohatu began to turn, avoiding her gaze in fear of the pain it would bring. “But Mohatu I…” She tried, but the king had to be strong. He said coldly, “good bye Kila” A cloud of dust blocked him from view. She tried desperately to get to him but the dust was making it impossible. “Mohatu” she choked, “I- I’m pregnant” But it was too late, he was already gone.
:cry:


Ch 2 ~ Responsibility

Kila couldn’t process what had just happened. She ran clumsily as fast as she could. Her mind raced faster than her paws. She didn’t know what to do. She skidded to a stop abruptly and began to run the other way. When she realized it was no use, she sprinted from where she had came. Then, she sat, bewildered and lost. Zebras pranced blissfully by, unaware of the horrible loss she had just experienced and the enormous troubles she was about to face. She sat and wept. Finally after what seemed like an hour to the broken hearted lioness, she gathered herself and walked towards pride rock.

Grief overcame her when she thought about her mate, so she swallowed her sorrows for her new pride. She slinked, red eyed up to the large rock and past Tamu. “Kila?” she heard behind her but she kept walking. She finally got to the very top of pride rock. The sun was just beging to set and orange and gold once again painted the sky. Kila was just about to lay and cry when she saw a lonely lioness already doing that. She craned her neck to see who the mysterious cub was when a familiar face turned to her. “Ghali? What are you doing up here?” Kila asked.
The obviously hurt adolescent just dropped her head back down and said, “he didn’t have to leave” Kila’s eyes widened. “how did you k-“ she was about to ask, but then she saw the view. They could see everything.
“Ghali,” she tried to explain, “he had to…” but the young lioness wasn’t sold. Kila sat next to Ghali. “come here” she said as she pulled her close. Ghali cried into the soft neck of the queen and Kila couldn’t help but to join her. The two sat like that watching the dissolving sun on the horizon.
“So does that make you in charge now?” Ghali half heartedly joked. Kila nodded with a little giggle. “can I help you then?” she tried.
Kila looked her in the eyes and smiled, “of course you can”
they watched the last sliver of the golden sun disappear behind the mountains and they stayed until the darkness consumed the sky. “we should go and explain now” Kila said coldly. Ghali got up in agreement.

The two lionesses walked in silence to the platform where some lionesses where napping. The pride saw a solem Kila standing on the top of the platform and gathered below. They weighted as Kila found the words. “pride members,” she began, “due to our drought situation Mohatu has left to find water” The lionessed exploded with whisperes and questions. “now! I know I haven’t been queen for long, but he has left me in charge and I intend to be the best queen I can” she tried to quell the whispers. The girls still seemed unsure and Kila knew it. She tried as hard as she could to look stable, but the pride still wasn’t buying it. Ghali stood next to Kila and said in her strongest voice, “ok I know you are all unsure of this, but together we can get through this” although the lionesses were still scared, they felt a little bit better and so did Kila. “But what about the hunting?” one lioness called out.
“What about it?” Kila’s brows furrowed.
“Well,” she said with a sarcastic smirk, “how can you protect the kingdom if you are out hunting?”
And before Kila could even think of an answer, “and how do you even think you can fend off a rouge! We’ll be taken over by sunrise!” another yelled.
“We just had cubs!” one more frantically shrieked.
Kila closed her eyes and rubbed her temples with a paw. “Listen,” she paused, “I know this next part of our lives will be challenging! But I know and you all know I can’t do this alone! So please, you can all help me” Some rolled their eyes, some held their cubs close, some smiled, but all in all they supported the idea. Kila nodded and then strolled off the rock. Tamu gave her a reassuring nuzzle. “I’ll always be here for you” she said with a smile. Kila nodded but said nothing. “Everyone get some rest” she said to the group, “we are going to need it for tomorrow’s hunting trip” The pride asked no questions and without argument slinked into the cave. Kila watched as one by one went safely in, cubs and all. “It's going to be a lonely night” She said tiredly to Ghali.
The young lioness bumped her, “oh well you could sleep down with us? You don’t have to lay up there all by yourself?”
But Kila shook her head, “no I want to sleep on the higher rock, it’s what a queen should do” and then she went lazily into the cave.
Ghali followed behind her, “I’ll sleep next to you?” she offered.
Kila thought about it and then smiled. “Well you are the king’s sister and I do need the warmth…so, I guess you can”
Ghali run in circles and jumped for joy, she was still a cub after all.

The rising sun brought soreness and grief. When Kila awoke she found her back, the spot where Ghali had nuzzled up next to her, was cold and empty. She looked around the other lionesses but the youngster was nowhere to be seen. Kila tip-toed silently past the others and out of the cave. The orange morning sun warmed her fur and gave a moment of happiness back to her broken heart. She took a minute to gaze at her kingdom. It was so full of beauty and strength even in the current drought. The only blemish was the once full river bed scaring the landscape. She frowned. The rocks were warm it felt good against her rough paw pads. Again she looked around for her sister in law and again she saw nothing but a few birds and some antelopes grazing. “Ghali?” she called. The birds took flight. The queen walked around pride rock several times and still found nothing. Then it hit her, “of course!” Kila ran smiling up the back of the rock to the top. “I knew I’d find you up here” she said out of breath. Ghali turned to her and grinned, “You know me too well”

“Today I want you all to go past the eastern river bed and through the tall grass” Kila boomed to the gathered pride.
“You’re not coming?” Tamu asked
“No, I told you all I have to have to stay here and protect the territory” she said with a sigh.
“Maybe some should stay with you, you know for help?” a lioness in the back suggested.
“Yes, I was just going to talk about that, half will go look for food, and half will stay here and rest with the cubs. If worse comes to worse, help me fight a rouge”
The lionesses talked and yelled then Kila hushed them, “the older more experienced lions with go out hunting and the younger, stronger lions will stay with me”

After the lionesses had grouped and licked their cubs, they went out. Kila spent most of the day sleeping in the shade or playing with cubs. She saw Ghali playing some young ones and decided to head up to the top of pride rock; she needed some time to think.

She felt her tummy. A cub she thought how am I ever going to handle a kingdom heavily pregnant…
She held back tears as she thought of raising a cub without a father. She looked up to the clouds and prayed Mohatu return safe for the sake of their cub. A little smile spread across her face as she thought what should I name him? She always wanted to name a cub “Jamu” but she shook the thought. What if it’s a girl? She smiled. “Uru” she said peacefully. She liked it, it sounded just right.
“Hey! That’s my spot!” Ghali joked from behind.
Kila turned to greet her. The two chatted and then laid down for a nap.

“Kila! Kila wake up!” she heard a voice.
“Stop shaking me… I’m awake” she said, opening one eye. “What is it?”
“Look!” Ghali motioned to a distant object.
“What? Wha…” her heart dropped as she watched a shadowy figure in the far distance.
“Perfect” she said sarcastically, “just what we need right now, a rouge”
“How do you know it’s not Mohatu?” Ghali tried but Kila shook her head.
“No, this one is younger than Mohatu, you can tell by the mane” she said squinting, trying to see as best as her eyes could let her. “But we don’t have to panic yet, he’s not in our territory until he crosses the river bed”
“Isn’t that where the older lionesses are hunting?” Ghali said with a terrified expression.
“yes, it is.”
--------
Its coming along! sorry for all the mess ups and stuff. my writing skills still couls use a little help.... but yeah, you get it 8-) ahah well, ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER! :D and I intend to add pictures to it as well :)
Last edited by GypsyRae on July 24th, 2010, 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby AustralianChaos » July 23rd, 2010, 5:52 am

Aww...a sad opening, but very well put together.

First off, let me ease your fears and say that yes, this is in the correct section. May I also point out that you have got some good writing skills...plenty of rom to improve, as we all do, but you should be proud.

A couple of gripes to point out, though, which will hopefully help you improve in future chapters. The first one, I noticed a couple of minor spelling and grammar errors. I hate to say it, but the spellchecker in programs such as Word actually miss quite a lot, particularly the grammar. The best way to stop spelling and grammar errors is the proofread, just go over your chapter once or twice before you post it, to find anything out of place.
My second suggestion is paragraphs. that whole chapter was just one big block of text, and that made it very hard to read. Try to use paragraphing next time, and double-space it, too.

Don't worry about these things, though...I made exactly the same mistakes when I starting posting my stories here. But aside from those, you're looking very good, and I hope to see more of this in the near future! :)
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby GypsyRae » July 23rd, 2010, 6:57 pm

well thank you very much! its good to know someone actually read this XD and thank you very much for the mini critque :) i never thought of the paragraph thing and i will do it for my next chapter. And ur right... my writing skills could improove abit <XD thanks again! :D
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby Arani » July 23rd, 2010, 8:55 pm

Interesting... Can't wait to read more!

Ya, AC said everything. Especially double space and make paragraphs. I kept losing my place because it wasn't spead out. :lol:

Great job, keep it up! :)
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby Namacub95 » July 24th, 2010, 12:03 am

This is a brilliant beginning for your fanfic. It was a very good read. :D

I really hate to nit pick but I just have a couple of things about grammer and spelling :(

First of all grammer, when a new character speaks take a new line.

For example:
"blah blah blah." said character one
"yada yada yada." replied character two

Also use paragraphs because of it looks very unappealling to read and finally use commas and semi colons (, and ; )

Next spelling, make sure to double check all spellings or if possible use a spell checker.

Other than those it was very very good. Keep up the good work and I'm sorry if I seem patronizing in any way. I don't mean to sound rude it's just I'm a writer too and I'm trying to help you without making you feel bad about your own writing. It was very good and I'd love to see more.
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby XeaxlXV » July 24th, 2010, 12:41 am

Very nice story... yes, there were a few errors that I would like to point out...
I would like to, but it seems everyone else got to those first. But other than those, I think it's really great! I hope to read more from your fanfic.
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby GypsyRae » July 24th, 2010, 1:31 am

thanks everyone! yes you are all right... dont worry, i'll clean it up for the next chapter :) but also, how to i post another chapter? lol
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby AustralianChaos » July 24th, 2010, 3:15 am

you can do it two ways:

1. When your next chapter's ready, just make a new post with the next chapter on it...just try not to double-post is you can help it at all.

2. Or, you can edit your original post, adding new chapters to it as you go. I do it this way, but be warned that longer fan fictions can suffer from this method because your first post becomes very long.
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby Arani » July 25th, 2010, 5:30 am

Loved the second chapter. Very well done! I think you just need to fix a few spelling and grammer mistakes hre and ther and ur good to go! Don't worry, I miss spell things more than I spell things corectly! :lol:
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Re: The Strongest Queen

Postby GypsyRae » July 26th, 2010, 5:45 am

thanks! :)
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