For the Love of A King

[ScaЯ]

If Nala shall not be my Queen-Scar said angrily after having the most beautiful lioness in all of the Pridelands so bitterly reject him-Then I must have someone else!
But who, sire? Nala was the last remaining lioness you didn't ask. There are no more in the Pridelands!-Zazu said cowering in fear of being hit.
Instead of reacting in anger, Scar slowly turned around as he said: Not in the Pridelands...but the Outlands...they have many groups of un-lead females just begging to be taken!
The Outlands?! Sire! The Outlands are filled with murderers and other lionesses whom have been exiled for good reason!
Silence bird! Shenzi! Come here!
Yes sir! What do you need of me?
I need for you to keep the lionesses in place while I'm gone. Banzai, you and I are going to the Outlands to look for a mate for me, and maybe some new members for the pride!
Yes sir! Anything you say!


And so Scar and Banzai walked the distance to the Outlands. The place was disgusting. It was filled with flies and termites. It had obviously been through quite a dry spell. There was no water as far as the eye could see, and only the remains of month-old carcasses rotting on the ground as any sign of food.
Ugh! This place is a graveyard! How can anyone live here?!
Shh, Banzai!-Scar said as he looked over to a lone group of females-let's go over there.

The group that was standing in the distance was Zira's pride. Zira's mother had been banished from the Pridelands for hunting for sport, just as the hyenas had been banished for doing the exact same thing by the exact same king-king Ahadi.

Look Zira!-shouted one of the lionesses in her pride-it's a male accompanied by a hyena!
Yes, I see! Could this be the new king of the Pridelands we've been hearing of? The one who lifted the exile of the hyenas?
Just then, Scar and Banzai reached the lionesses.
Hello, ladies. I am Scar, king of the Pridelands. I am looking for a mate. Who is the leader of this fine group?
Zira stepped forward, proud and unafraid, yet still quivering in his presence. He was so bold, so strong, so sleek and different. So smooth and calm. There was an essence about him that made her heart race. It made her paws sweat, and her tail lay still on the ground. He was much more different that king Ahadi or king Mufasa. He was more understanding, more forgiving then they were. I am the leader, king Scar. My name is Zira.
Zira....what a beautiful name, to match such a beautiful face.
Zira blushed in embarrassment. She wondered what had come over her. She'd never acted this way before.
Zira, would you like to be my mate? I could give you and your entire pride a nice home, food and water, just as long as you agree to be my mate, for I want my generation to live on for years to come.
Of course I will be you're mate! I..Uh-Zira cleared her through-I mean...as long as the pride and I get shelter.
Scar gave a smirk. He knew he had won Zira over. Yes. You and you pride will have shelter.

Scar, Zira, Banzai, and the other Outsiders turned Pridelanders walked back to Pride Rock. Zira, walking extra close to Scar.
All the Pridelanders gasped in horror as they saw these murderous, evil outsiders being escorted back to the Pridelands by the king.

Scar got to the tip of Pride Rock, Zira by his side. All of the Pridelanders were gathered to hear the announcement he had. -Pridelanders...I believe that if we can forgive the hyenas, we can forgive the Outsiders. So it is with great honor, that I, king Scar, introduce these new Pride members, and my new mate, Zira. The Pridelands started to talk amongst themselves. Scar has a mate?? Some said. We can't let Scar's generation live on! others said.
SILENCE! Scar yelled. Now, all of you! go to sleep! I want no more discussion of this, do you understand me?!
There was a mumble amongst the crowd.
Good. Scar said as he and Zira disappeared into the darkness of the cave.

[Azdgari]

Very interesting concept, Scar! I enjoyed your version of Scar and Zira's meeting. There were some great descriptions in here, especially when you described Zira's reaction and evaluation of Scar, it seemed very believable. There is most certainly potential for you to write some great fanfics here.

Now, the problems with this work are mostly format-related, and I'm sure you could fix them without much work. These things will make a world of difference for you.

When there's dialogue, you need to put quotation marks. Otherwise, the it can get extremely confusing as to just who's talking. Let's take your first paragraph here and throw in some quotations marks, and also be sure we're specific about who's speaking.

[quote]"If Nala shall not be my Queen," Scar said angrily after having the most beautiful lioness in all of the Pridelands so bitterly reject him, "Then I must have someone else!" Scar said.
"But who, sire? Nala was the last remaining lioness you didn't ask. There are no more in the Pridelands!" Zazu said cowering in fear of being hit.
Instead of reacting in anger, Scar slowly turned around as he said, "Not in the Pridelands...but the Outlands...they have many groups of un-lead females just begging to be taken!"
"The Outlands?! Sire! The Outlands are filled with murderers and other lionesses whom have been exiled for good reason!" Zazu protested.
"Silence bird! Shenzi! Come here!" Scar demanded.
Shenzi replied, "Yes sir! What do you need of me?"
"I need for you to keep the lionesses in place while I'm gone. Banzai, you and I are going to the Outlands to look for a mate for me, and maybe some new members for the pride!" he commanded.
"Yes sir! Anything you say!" Shenzi responded.[/quote]

As you can see, simply adding quotation marks and making sure you say who is saying each line (you'll see I added a few "Scar said" and "Shenzi replied") makes the story much easier to understand. Also, when you're going into dialogue, you only need to use a comma.

So instead of

Scar said: "Silence!"
or
Scar said-"Silence!"

just say

Scar said, "Silence!"

One other thing to make the story easier on a reader's eyes is to put a break in between each paragraph or new speaker. You already tried to do this I think, but you need to hit return one more time to get them all one line separate. It'll end up looking like this:

[quote]"If Nala shall not be my Queen," Scar said angrily after having the most beautiful lioness in all of the Pridelands so bitterly reject him, "Then I must have someone else!" Scar said.

"But who, sire? Nala was the last remaining lioness you didn't ask. There are no more in the Pridelands!" Zazu said cowering in fear of being hit.

Instead of reacting in anger, Scar slowly turned around as he said, "Not in the Pridelands...but the Outlands...they have many groups of un-lead females just begging to be taken!"

"The Outlands?! Sire! The Outlands are filled with murderers and other lionesses whom have been exiled for good reason!" Zazu protested.

"Silence bird! Shenzi! Come here!" Scar demanded.

Shenzi replied, "Yes sir! What do you need of me?"

"I need for you to keep the lionesses in place while I'm gone. Banzai, you and I are going to the Outlands
to look for a mate for me, and maybe some new members for the pride!" he commanded.

"Yes sir! Anything you say!" Shenzi responded.[/quote]

There we are! That looks a whole lot better and should get you a lot more readers. With these technical errors fixed, I look forward to seeing what you can do--I truly believe you have a lot of potential, Scar. I can't wait to see it! ^^

[ScaЯ]

[quote="Azdgari"]Very interesting concept, Scar! I enjoyed your version of Scar and Zira's meeting. There were some great descriptions in here, especially when you described Zira's reaction and evaluation of Scar, it seemed very believable. There is most certainly potential for you to write some great fanfics here.

Now, the problems with this work are mostly format-related, and I'm sure you could fix them without much work. These things will make a world of difference for you.

When there's dialogue, you need to put quotation marks. Otherwise, the it can get extremely confusing as to just who's talking. Let's take your first paragraph here and throw in some quotations marks, and also be sure we're specific about who's speaking.

[quote]"If Nala shall not be my Queen," Scar said angrily after having the most beautiful lioness in all of the Pridelands so bitterly reject him, "Then I must have someone else!" Scar said.
"But who, sire? Nala was the last remaining lioness you didn't ask. There are no more in the Pridelands!" Zazu said cowering in fear of being hit.
Instead of reacting in anger, Scar slowly turned around as he said, "Not in the Pridelands...but the Outlands...they have many groups of un-lead females just begging to be taken!"
"The Outlands?! Sire! The Outlands are filled with murderers and other lionesses whom have been exiled for good reason!" Zazu protested.
"Silence bird! Shenzi! Come here!" Scar demanded.
Shenzi replied, "Yes sir! What do you need of me?"
"I need for you to keep the lionesses in place while I'm gone. Banzai, you and I are going to the Outlands to look for a mate for me, and maybe some new members for the pride!" he commanded.
"Yes sir! Anything you say!" Shenzi responded.[/quote]

As you can see, simply adding quotation marks and making sure you say who is saying each line (you'll see I added a few "Scar said" and "Shenzi replied") makes the story much easier to understand. Also, when you're going into dialogue, you only need to use a comma.

So instead of

Scar said: "Silence!"
or
Scar said-"Silence!"

just say

Scar said, "Silence!"

One other thing to make the story easier on a reader's eyes is to put a break in between each paragraph or new speaker. You already tried to do this I think, but you need to hit return one more time to get them all one line separate. It'll end up looking like this:

[quote]"If Nala shall not be my Queen," Scar said angrily after having the most beautiful lioness in all of the Pridelands so bitterly reject him, "Then I must have someone else!" Scar said.

"But who, sire? Nala was the last remaining lioness you didn't ask. There are no more in the Pridelands!" Zazu said cowering in fear of being hit.

Instead of reacting in anger, Scar slowly turned around as he said, "Not in the Pridelands...but the Outlands...they have many groups of un-lead females just begging to be taken!"

"The Outlands?! Sire! The Outlands are filled with murderers and other lionesses whom have been exiled for good reason!" Zazu protested.

"Silence bird! Shenzi! Come here!" Scar demanded.

Shenzi replied, "Yes sir! What do you need of me?"

"I need for you to keep the lionesses in place while I'm gone. Banzai, you and I are going to the Outlands
to look for a mate for me, and maybe some new members for the pride!" he commanded.

"Yes sir! Anything you say!" Shenzi responded.[/quote]

There we are! That looks a whole lot better and should get you a lot more readers. With these technical errors fixed, I look forward to seeing what you can do--I truly believe you have a lot of potential, Scar. I can't wait to see it! ^^[/quote]
The reason I did not put quotation marks is because that key is missing on my keyboard. It would have been to much of a hassle.

[Azdgari]

If you'd like, you can send your chapters to me and I can insert them. I'm sorry to hear your key is broken. >.<