Little Diamond

[LionPrincess]

[quote="Mike"]Good section =) I hope they find mommy lol

I think longer sections would be something to consider, so more happens in each chapter.[/quote]

that isnt chapters it is just to much to wright at one time i havent even finnished chapter 1 yet i have about another three parts in chapter 1 lol xx

[LionPrincess]

sorry for double posting

Part 4


As they walked further into the murk of the Outlands the two cubs stopped in there tracks

“what was that” Naliah asked

“I don’t know, I will go and check it out, you wait here” Almasi told the young cub as she shuffled her under a broken down tree
“do not move from here no matter what” she told Naliah as she ran off in the direction that the noise was coming from.

As Almasi got deeper in the Outlands the noise got closer “oh no, what have I got myself into” she thought as she spotted something in the distance, she couldn’t quite make out what it was threw the murky air so she got closer, then she saw the most disturbing thing she had ever seen, a beautiful young lioness fighting for her life against a pack of hyenas and she couldn’t do anything but watch, then suddenly Almasi thought of what Rajali had told her the night before and she knew that if Zuberi was truly her father he would come to her if she called for his help and with that

“HELP, HELP, HELP” the little lioness called at the top of her voice,

Then the Hyenas noticed that she was there and let the young lioness go and turned for her

“ZUBERI, HELP” she screamed in a panic as she seen four hyenas walking slowly towards her,

and then Almasi heard the loudest roar she had ever heard in her life as a shadow appeared above her, she looked up and seen the biggest lion she had ever seen “wow he is bigger than Rajali” she thought, the lion was big and muscular, he had a black mane and dark brown fur with a black underbelly and forepaws with a lot of scars all over his body, Almasi though she was not even a quarter of the size of this majestic lion she wasn’t the slightest bit scared, as soon as the hyenas saw him they scattered

“I am Zuberi” the lion told Almasi as he lay down beside her

“And is what Rajali told me true, are you my father” the curious cub asked him

“Yes young one, I am your father” he told her as a smile appeared on his face

As he told her this Almasi looked furious “then why didn’t you raise me, why did you leave it to Rajali to be my father” the cub snapped at him

“Almasi I wasn’t fit to raise a young cub and I was at war with Radhi if he or any of his Pride had knew I was your father then seen you alone they would have surely killed you, I didn’t want to put you at risk young one” he told her as the smile on his face faded and the mighty lion looked as if he could cry.

[Mike]

Very good section =) especially because there's more action and description than in previous posts. I'd just be careful that you keep the mood of a scene consistent, and have everything you write supporting that. For example, when you have Almasi surrounded by hyenas, it's really high-tension, and you should try to keep that going, rather than move into a long-ish description of a new character. That can be done later in a calmer scene. Overall though, good job and I'm glad to see you're improving =)

[LionPrincess]

thanks for the advice and i will make sure to remember for the next part xx

[CommandoTheLion]

Nice story

[LionPrincess]

thanks i will be adding the next part later today xx

[CommandoTheLion]

[quote="LionPrincess"]thanks i will be adding the next part later today xx[/quote]

Ok cant Wait^^

[LionPrincess]

this is the cover for my story xxx

[Chinook]

You're writing is quickly improving. This last part is more detailed and has generally better flow. There are a lot of things I want to ask about Zuberi but I'll be patient and see if you post more before I start asking what you might soon answer.

[KopsTheTerminator]

[quote="LionPrincess"]this is the cover for my story xxx[/quote]

Cool!