The Legend Of The Shadow

[SimbasMate]

This was an awesome part, KK! I love the plot, and it's going really good tus far!

[LilTiger]

Awesome part! Still wish Laini was in it though. But still, awesome.

[KiarasMate]

(applauds)

Wonderful new part KK. ^^ I'd say, your best one yet too. ^^ I can tell that you read over your post since there were very few mistakes in this one. Loved the flow of this part too. Great job my friend. Oh, and I didn't really mean expanding upon the landscape detail, since yeah, we all pretty much know what The Pride Lands look like. although under Scar's reign, it is a bit different obviously, so a bit of detail, like you did in this part, really does help the reader with gaining a better mental image of the scene you're portraying. What I really meant was, for you to expand upon the scene itself, as in the interaction between the characters and such, but you've done that perfectly in this part, so you can disreguard what I said before. hehe. Looking forward to the next part my friend and keep up the amazing work! ^^

[KingKivuli]

thank you everyone. a personnal thanks to km. i knw that you excell in this kind of thing so its good to hear your most valuable advice

[KiarasMate]

You're most welcome KK. ^^ Aww, thanks my friend. ^^ that means a lot to me, even though I wouldn't go as far as to say that, but still. hehe. I'm always happy to lend my advice whenever I can. ^^

[KingKivuli]

Calm before a storm

The trio of lions made it back to Priderock. Sarabi had already returned with the hunting party. The managed to get 2 small zebra for
dinner. When the lions came up Priderock, Sarabi instantly saw that they were tired and beaten. She walked over to the three of them 'Looks like you three have worked hard' She said 'Did you train well?' Kivuli looked at her and replied 'Yes, better than I thought we would. I'd give it only a few more days, a little rest and we can actually stand a chance against him' Sarabi smiled at them 'Well its good to hear you are confident in your abilities'

'You have no idea Sarabi. We are gonna take him down!' Ashur said in quite a loud voice 'Shh, don't blow our cover' Kokota whispered. Ashur put his paw over his muzzle and spoke threw it 'Sorry Kokota, I'm just so hyped up about this' Ignoring his loud mouthed friend Kivuli asked 'Sarabi, have you alerted the lionesses to my plan' he hoped she had it would make things so much easier 'Yes I have' She replied 'I only managed to inform my group but they will spread the word round' Kivuli had a huge grin on his face 'Perfect. Thanks Sarabi. We best go rest before training tomorrow' The three lions were beginning to walk off when Sarabi called to them 'By the way I left you all a treat in one of the private dens'

'Ok thanks Sarabi' said Kivuli, as they made there way round the side of Priderock to the dens. As they walked in there were three fresh zebra legs waiting for them. Ashur barged past and started digging into a leg 'Thank the great kings I'm hungry' The brothers then walked in to join him 'Sarabi put herself at risk giving us these, Scar would be furious that part of his meal is missing' They lay down to start eating 'Sarabi knows the risks. She is also willing to do anything to make sure we succeed' Kivuli said, holding the leg in his paws 'They are all counting on us. We are the only ones with a chance to make things right' The three stopped eating for a moment to reflect on the situation

'Your right Kivuli' Ashur said 'If we cant stand up to him who can' Kokota join in 'Yeah your right, we can do this. There's no way Scar can stop the three of us' Kivuli looked at them both. Fire burned in their eyes. They were ready 'Ok then. Tomorrow we have to finish our training. We will rest for a day, then we will strike' Both of the others nodded in approval 'OK then let finish eating and get some sleep' Kivuli said in a commanding voice. It didn't take long for the hungry males to eat their supper. Afterwards they all curled up and shut their eyes, resting their bodies in preparation for the big day that was coming upon them

[Mike]

I like it =) You're getting to be a better storyteller already ^.^

I think the next step in your improvement could be picking a perspective to tell the story from. I don't mean using the first person, (I) just picking a character (probably Kivuli) and letting us see more of him. Right now it's as though we're listening to a recording of what each character is saying, but what the characters don't say is sometimes as important as what they do. What I'm trying to say, is I'd recommend using more of "... ... ... ... ... thought Kivuli" giving us his impressions of the scene.

[Lionking012]

this is turning out really great KK!

[KiarasMate]

Excellent new part KK. ^^ Short, but intriguing none the less. I'm looking forward to seeing how things are going to turn out.

[KingKivuli]

ok im taking mike advice and going to add in Kivulis thoughts and feelings as best i can.