Little Diamond

[LilTiger]

[quote="LionPrincess"]do u like the pic?[/quote]
I don't see it

[LionPrincess]

[quote="LilTiger"][quote="LionPrincess"]do u like the pic?[/quote]
I don't see it[/quote]
i attached it to my story so its directly under it

[KiarasMate]

I think you have great potential for an awesome Fan Fic LP, but there are a few things that I might suggest taking into consideration. This is just constructive criticism though, so please don't take it personally. ^^

Seeing how this, I assume, is the opening part to your story, you might want to put a bit more detail into the characters that are being introduced, as well as the surrounding areas. Even though the reader may or may not be familiar with what The Outlands and Pride Lands look like, you always have to keep in mind that this is a story, there for, you the author, are responsible for painting the picture for your reader to invision when they are reading your story. ^^

Try and avoid using dialog that takes the reader out of the story itself. What I mean by this is, don't write as if you're talking to one individual in particular. For example, when you make mention that Almasi is a cub, try and keep that tied into the story instead of making it sound more like a footnote. ^^ It helps to keep the flow of the story going and will keep your readers enthralled into the story better.

The conversations between the characters is good, but could use a bit more detail as well. It just sounds like a simple conversation between two cubs that sound a bit bored. lol. Just add in a bit more description and perhaps a bit more detail into how the cubs react to one another physically or through body language. Again, this is just to help your reader to get a visual idea of what's going on. ^^

Lastly, I think that if you want to get this published, you should make your chapters a bit longer, although I'm not assuming that each of your posts here are just one chapter, since I know some people just post parts of their stories as they go along and they aren't technically chapters per say. I'm just saying that I personally find longer chapters better, as it gives the reader more to meld over and more to enjoy in the end. ^^ Just take your time and post when you have written a nice amount. Be sure to always read over your work too, just to catch any mistakes that SpellCheck might not find. ^^

You really do have a lot of talent though my friend and again, these are just my simple suggestions. I look forward to reading more of your story when you post it and keep up the awesome work my friend. ^^

[LionPrincess]

[quote="LionPrincess"]Almasi
The Tale Of Little Diamond
(By Lion Princess)

Chapter 1
Part 1


Almasi was raised in the Outlands, a horrible place with little food and hardly any water and if that’s not bad enough it was dark and dingy, she was raised by a group of rogue lions and Rajali was their leader and although there where no other cubs she always found someone to play with, Almasi was a beautiful little lioness, with dark brown fur, sky blue eyes and a unusual little diamond on her forehead one day when Almasi was out hunting she came across a big grass plane with a lake running threw it and millions of flowers it was the most beautiful place she had ever seen, after she stopped admiring the view she spotted some zebra a few meters in

“Rajali will be so proud if I bring back a whole zebra” she thought to her self as she crouched down and started to stalk her prey,

As she got closer all of the zebra started to run, she looked around but there was no one to be seen, after a few seconds she heard

“WOOHOO”

And seen a group of lion cubs around her age playing and chasing the zebra, it looked like fun but she quickly realized were she was

“Oh no” she whispered to her self and turned and headed back the way she came,

“HEY YOU” she heard coming from behind her,

She looked around and saw one of the lion cubs but she quickly turned back and kept walking,

“HEY LITTLE DIAMOND” he shouted,

This time Almasi stopped and looked round

“Me?” she asked

“Well you’re the only one around hear with a diamond on you” he laughed

“Anyway what’s your name” he asked her

“Almasi” she replied as she stared at the handsome little lion walking towards her, he had light golden fur with a little tuft of black hair on the top of his head but the strange thing about him is that he had a thick black stripe that went from his nose over his head and down his back to were his tale started.

“I’m Mosi, so do you wanna play Almasi?” he asked as he walked up to her and crouched down into a pouncing position

“Erm I can’t” she answered

“Why not” he asked as he stood up again and leaned his head to the side with curiosity

“I gotta go hunt” she told him and she looked so disappointed that she had to go hunt rather than play

“HUNT” he said looking very surprised

“Yes, and I’m not supposed to be in the Pridelands” she told him

“You’re an Outlander, cool” he said, he looked excited and started to jump around crazily

“Yeh” she laughed, although she wasn’t happy you see Almasi hated being an Outlander and she wished she could just play like a normal cub instead of having to hunt for food that she hardly ever got to eat

“I gotta go Mosi” she told him as she ran off,

When she reached the dark murky borders of the Outlands she heard in the distance a little voice shouting “BYE LITTLE DIAMOND”
[/quote]


I added more detail to this part of my story so this is the new begining to it x

[KiarasMate]

Ahh, that's a lot better LP, not to say that your original post was bad or anything mind you. ^^ The detail you added does make a huge world of difference. ^^ The picture is much clearer now and both your original characters have a distinct look about them. ^^ Great job and I like all the updates you added. Keep up the marvelous work and again, I can't wait to read more of this fantastic story when you get around to posting it my friend. ^^

[Panda-chan]

Nice story! I read the whole chapter and I loved it! I like the descriptions you used for the cubs. That picture of Almasi is so cute as well. ^^

[Mike]

What a cutie ^.^ I like the story so far, and I'm sure it'll only get better from here =)

I whould have the pic ready in a couple of days.

[LionPrincess]

thanks for the great comments

i should be posting the next part of this chapter in the next few days x

[Chinook]

Interesting story. This is a good start and Almasi looks really cool and cute too. Since KiarasMate already went through the constructive criticism I had and more, I won't repeat him; just be careful and don't trust spellcheck too much as it easily makes mistakes and tends to be unreliable at times. Other than that, keep up the good work. I'll be waiting for the next part.

[LadyAislinn]

Good story! I'm liking it very much so far! I'm excited to hear the rest of the story.