Ashur's Story

Re: Ashur's Story

Postby SimbasMate » May 2nd, 2010, 1:59 pm

Chapter 6: Dark



"ASHUR, WAKE UP!" I felt an annoying nudge at my side. It was Jeremiah, trying to wake me up. Hesitantly, I opened my tired eyes. Jeremiah's expression looked more worried than ever,and I couldn't believe it was on his face. He had always seemed so brave to me. He looked at me, and noticing that I was still half asleep, he gave another nudge. This time, harder. "OW!" I yelped. His elbow went deep into my side. I cried a little at the pain, but soon the tears had faded away when I saw him. I knew why Jeremiah was waking me up. It was Dark. Dark was here. Soon, I fell over, and everything went black. Only for a little while.

It wasn't long before I felt a kicking at my side. "You pathetic child. Get up now." I couldn't find my legs. My legs were numb. "GET UP!" the cold voice yelled at me. Obeying, and finding my legs once again, I looked up. My vision was blurry, but I knew it was him. Dark was standing right before me. But where was Jeremiah? I looked around, trying to make out his russet colored fur. To my relief he was only standing a few feet behind Dark. I blinked a few times, and soon my vision cleared up. But, after I did this, I regretted it. I saw Dark's cold piercing black eyes, his pupils totally colorless. Nothing but black in his eyes. His look, it scared me more than ever. More than anything else in my whole life. It had a way of sending a thousand cold shivers down my spine. I studied him more. His strong body build. I stirred, he had a scar on his right eye. And more scars on his shoulders. Half of his left ear missing. His looks just traumatized me. Soon, tears began to run down my face. His looks were so scary, they made me cry.

"What are you crying about, you stupid child? What is making you so scared?" Dark gave a smirk.
"Too bad your mommy and daddy aren't here to save you..ugh. Your mother. So pathetic. Those blue eyes of hers, so innocent! Yeah right! Maybe I should scratch them out with my claws!" Dark laughed evilly. I couldn't do anything. All I could do was shake, and look up at his cold black eyes. Dark came closer to me. I shook harder. "Please! Don't hurt me!" I yelled inside of my head. What was he going to do to me? Soon, his sharp teeth sunk into what was left of my scruff. He threw me onto my feet. I looked around. To my horror, I saw Jeremiah's mangled..dare I say... lifeless. I looked back at Dark, who was now laughing so hard, he could bust a gut.
"OH YOU ARE SO FREAKING PATHETIC! WHEN YOU SAW ME, YOU JUST HAD TO FAINT! THEN WHEN YOU HAD TO CRY, I JUST KILLED YOUR FRIEND! YOU WEAK CHILD!" Dark threw his head back more, his big bangs over his dark eyes. I was so confused. Then, I saw the blood on his big black claws. And all of a sudden, all of my strength had come back to me. I bared my teeth at Dark, and let out a growl of warning. This didn't help, Dark only laughed more.
"Trying to act tough are we? Hmm?!" I growled at Dark again, drooling all over my muzzle, as it dripped on the ground.

"So, anyway, back on subject, child." Dark said, catching his breath, and calming himself down.
"Why are you out here, and why are you out here with him?" I took a deep breath, and told myself to be brave.
"That doesn't concern you." I answered, more bravely then I was indenting to be. Dark eyed me suspiciously.
"Tell me child, or else I will have to kill you too. Tell me why he was out here with you!" I looked at Dark, then folded my ears down. I couldn't tell him that Jeremiah was only trying to help me break my parent's curse. I soon made up a lie, it was stupid, but it would do. And maybe even make Dark leave and give up, though I doubted this.

"He was going to kill me.. he wasn't going to do any wrong." Dark, blinked, and gave out a sigh.
"I know you are lying child, you sick lying pathetic cub. You are just like your father too. Can't even tell a lie for his own good. Therefore, I shall finish Jeremiah's unfinished job." Dark gave a leap at me, and I dodged, making him slide across the dusty dirt, and hit a tree. He got up, and looked at me, a puzzled look lay across his big muzzle. "You are stronger than I thought, child. Maybe I will have to try harder." Dark charged at me, and with a big WHAP of his paw, my eye was bleeding. But only soon had it stopped. Dark looked at me, and a big evil smile spread across his face, now erasing his puzzled look. "Congratulations, Ashur. You now look like me." Dumbfounded, I ran over to a small nearby pond. I looked at my reflection. I had a big scar across my right eye. Just like Dark.

My whole body filled with rage. I ran as fast as I could over to Dark. I lept on him, and sinking my teeth into his right ear. Not noticing how strong he was, he hit me off with his big right paw, and then jumped onto my chest, then my two back legs. He broke my bones. I couldn't move. That evil smile, got even wider. "Now you are helpless child. So long, and now I shall travel to kill your parents. Then I will come back, and you will surely be dead.. so long, Ashur." Dark then ran away, leaving a big cloud of dust behind just for me. I sneezed and coughed. It hurt more then ever. More pain then I ever felt in my whole entire life. Why me? Why me? I started to cry, even though breathing in deep breaths hurt me. It didn't matter, I was over.


FINALLY GOT THIS DONE. Hope you all enjoyed, and now I shall suffer horrible writer's block! 8D
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[quote="Amanda"]And just like that she vanished, like a fart in the wind.
[/quote]
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Re: Ashur's Story

Postby YFWE » May 4th, 2010, 1:41 am

So first, I must comment on how much you've improved from the time you started this story to now. The improvement is immense, I think! So at the very least, you should be proud that your writing's improved as much as it has over the past nine-ish months.

The storyline's good too. It gets a little weird at times and isn't perfect, but at the very least, it's interesting. There's a lot of things that you could work on, but I'll spare you. It's just a fanfic; it doesn't matter that much anyway.

Anyway, hope the next chapter comes easier for you!
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Re: Ashur's Story

Postby KiarasMate » May 4th, 2010, 3:26 am

Well, as promised Juicy, I read your latest chapter and I'm glad I did. ^^ I concur with YFWE in regards to how much your writing has improved over the course of this Fan Fic. ^^ You really seem to be putting quite a bit of thought into these latest chapters and it shows. :) If all the next installments of this story are going to be as well planned as this latest one, then the long wait between them will be well worth it in my opinion. :) I really do enjoy how dark, no pun intended there, this story is, as it's completely different from your typical Fan Fic. That, and the first person perspective to which you write it from of course, also sets it apart from the pack. :) Somehow, I was suddenly reminded of the storyline from Fight Club when I read this, but maybe that's just me. lol. Anyways, keep up the marvelous work my friend and can't wait till you get around to writing the next chapter! ^^
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