"The Pride That Never Was"

Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby Simba » February 3rd, 2010, 12:35 am

very nicely done.

lol at Zazu. love that old featherbrain might finally get a girlfriend. afterall, being majordomo is his family's job, so he needs a family to give the Pridelands the next majordomo.
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby YFWE » February 3rd, 2010, 3:05 am

Oh my. We. Need. More. Fanfics. Like. This. Seriously, I'm considering just having your fanfic required reading for ANYONE who wants to get into fanfic-writing here. Not that anyone has to listen to me, but I think it'd be highly beneficial.

I'm going to sound like a broken record due to the comments before me, but this was just fantastic. I like how Mike put it, actually: so believably Lion King. This story reads (and sounds, when you put some voices in your head to it) just like an actual addition to the Lion King storyline, movie or otherwise.

I love, love, LOVE the way you write the dialogue of the cubs, especially. So believable. I mean, cubs are supposed to be naive and innocent, and actually speak like children, which is something that I don't think we see enough in fanfics, you know? This just makes the cubs... I dunno, CUTE! And likable. As opposed to some fanfics where I feel like the cubs are already written as adults (I read one where the cub was, like, an unstoppable killing force. At just a few days old. Yeah, okay, that makes loads of sense). So much props to you on that. I am especially in love with this Timira character. Serrrrriously, she is cute as a button. <3

And I really like the possibility that Zazu might have a girlfriend, LOL. Just please, for the love of all that is holy, do not make their "relationship" (friends or otherwise) anything like Boris and Stella's from the third Balto movie, assuming you've seen it. If you haven't... then don't mind me at all. If you have... you know what atrocities you must not commit. :D

I am SO glad that this fanfic is going to be updated pretty much daily, too. It will, and I'm really not kidding in the slightest, give me something to look forward to each and every day.

Seriously. I'm not going to go as far to say that this is the best fanfic I've read here because you're only a prologue and a chapter in, but if you keep this up... well, let's just say I think you've got a serious shot at it in my books.

CANNOT WAIT to read the next chapter. Thank you so much for gracing us with this wonderful fanfic's presence.
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby SimbasMate » February 3rd, 2010, 4:14 am

Oh wow, Akril. I certainly love your writing style. The descriptive writing, really brought an image in my head, and I can actually see eveyrthing happening. Your writing is by far, very amazing! I loved the plot to this story, even if you have one chaper up. It's the best fan fiction I ever really gotten interested in, really. I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Keep up your amazing writing skills! :)
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby Akril » February 3rd, 2010, 7:00 am

Wow, thank you so much, everybody! I wasn't expecting nearly this many responses to just the first chapter. I'm glad everyone likes it so far, and I hope the chapters that follow are just as well-received.

Since several people brought up Zazu, I'll try to respond to everyone's comments about him at once: Of all the characters in this chapter, Zazu's dialogue was the most fun to write, especially when Binti appears (and I haven't seen Balto 3, so I hopefully won't be going the Boris and Stella route). I tried to give a lot of the supporting characters in this story decent amounts of "screen time", which was tricky, considering how many characters there are. I thought Zazu was a bit underused in Simba's Pride, so I tried to have him appear more in this story.

Binti is another cut character, and all that I know about her is that she was supposed to be a rhino jockey and Zazu's girlfriend. Simba's Pride Online also said that there were many concept sketches of her, but I haven't found a single one. : |
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Next chapter...

Postby Akril » February 3rd, 2010, 9:59 pm

Chapter Two:


Shani began to grow more and more fidgety as Simba's lecture continued. Simba had started talking to Chaka and Timira about what duties were required of the king and queen, and she was starting to feel left out. Finally, she couldn't stand it any longer.

"Dad, can I please go and play with Timira?" she pleaded.

Simba gazed thoughtfully at her.

"Well, Shani, you have been very patient during this lesson, and I've done a lot of talking, so I think it's okay if we called it a day."

Shani eagerly sprang to her feet and Timira trotted to her side.

"Great! You wanna come play too, Chaka?"

Chaka shook his head.

"Maybe later," he said.

Shani rolled her eyes.

"Whatever you say," she said. "C'mon, Timira, I'll race you to that rock!"

"Hold it," Simba said, putting a paw out to stop Shani. "I don't want you two running around the Pride Lands on your own."

"But Dad -- " Shani protested.

"I don't want you two getting in trouble," Simba said. "I got into all kinds of trouble when I was a cub, and I don't want the same thing to happen to you."

He turned to Zazu, who was still perched on his shoulder.

"Zazu, would you mind keeping an eye on these two?"

"Certainly, Sire," Zazu said, launching himself into the air.

"Um, Simba," Nala said, "don't you think we should have someone else go with Shani and Timira besides Zazu?"

Simba frowned, then nodded, recalling how easy it had been for him and Nala to evade Zazu when he was watching them when they were little. Perhaps two cubs could escape from one guardian, but what if...

"Binti," Simba said, addressing the female hornbill who still sat perched upon her rhino's head, "Would you mind accompanying Zazu?"

Zazu's eyes boggled. He stared at Binti, who stared back, then modestly dropped her eyes.

"Oh," Binti gasped, "Why...why sure. I mean, no, I wouldn't mind. Anything to be of service, Your Highness."

She looked down at the huge, leathery beast she sat upon.

"Is it all right if I bring Winston along as well?"

"Why not?" Simba smiled. "Three pairs of eyes are better than two."

"Then let's go," Binti chirped. She gently flicked the side of the rhino's head with her stick.

"Come on, Winston! Let's get moving!"

The rhino grunted, then started lumbering away from the acacia, with the two lion cubs trotting after it. Zazu started to follow them, but Simba called him back.

"Make sure they stay safe," he said quietly to Zazu. "These lands may be even more dangerous than they were when my father was king."

"Agreed, Sire," Zazu said. "Fear not, I'll guard those two with my life if the occasion calls for it."

With that, he flitted off towards the vast, lumbering bulk of Winston the rhino and the bright blue vision that sat perched on his head.

After his lumbering hoof-beats were no longer audible, there was a pause in which the only sound to be heard was the whisper of wind in the grass. Then Chaka broke the near-silence with a single word:

"Dad?"

"Hmm?" Simba murmured.

"What did you mean when you said these lands may be more dangerous?"

Simba looked at the tiny, green-eyed reflection of himself that stared inquisitively up at him.

"Do you really want to know, Chaka?" he asked.

Chaka nodded earnestly. Simba sighed, then stared thoughtfully at the ground.

"Do you remember how I told you that Grandfather was killed by his brother, Scar, who banished me and took over this kingdom?"

"Yes," Chaka said.

Simba gazed into Chaka's eyes.

"Well, Scar had a mate. Her name was Bianca. She was the leader of a wandering pride who had lost their king, and when they arrived in the Pride Lands, Scar took pity on her and allowed them to join his pride. I didn't know about Bianca and her pride until after I returned to the Pride Lands and defeated Scar. When she learned that Scar was dead, she was so furious that she attacked me. Luckily, your mother and the rest of the lionesses were able to stop her.

"No matter how much I talked to her, she refused to listen to reason...and I knew that fighting her would solve nothing. I eventually decided that there was only one thing to do."

Simba paused.

"And...and what was that?" Chaka asked in a small voice.

"Exile," Simba said. "I banished Bianca and every other lioness loyal to Scar to a land on the other side of the Zuberi River known as the Outlands, and as far as I know, she and the rest of her pride still live there to this day."

Chaka stared at the ground, his green eyes filled with confusion.

"You sent them away just because they were loyal to Scar?" he asked.

"Yes," Simba said quietly. "I know it sounds cruel, but Bianca loved him so much that she went almost insane with rage when she learned he was dead. And I was sure that she would hurt us if she had the chance, and I just couldn't take the risk of letting her and her minions stay in the Pride Lands...and I had to be sure that my cubs would be safe as well."

He extended a paw and put it around Chaka.

"But don't worry," he said reassuringly. "As long as you, Shani and Timira stay away from the Outlands, you'll be all right...and when you grow up, you'll have nothing to fear from the Outsiders."

Simba lifted his paw from Chaka's back and returned it to its original position.

"Remember, Chaka: As king, you'll need to respect the balance of life. Every living thing is connected to every other living thing..."

Chaka nodded and responded to everything Simba said, yet he was barely listening. His mind was elsewhere and spinning with questions. What was it like in the Outlands? What were the Outsiders like? What was Bianca doing now?
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby Mike » February 4th, 2010, 1:18 am

Great chapter =) I noticed in the first chapter that there wasn't much in the way of a long-term plot, but I wasn't really concerned about it because of how well it was written ^.^ And it looks like you've got it covered now with Bianca ;) Can't wait to meet her!
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby YFWE » February 4th, 2010, 2:02 am

Another fantastic addition to your fanfic! There isn't TOO much to say here due to its brevity, but I enjoyed the backstory on Bianca... I'm interested to see how different, if any different at all, she will be from Zira in your fanfic. I'm pretty excited for next chapter... I'm sure there'll be some fun times had by all when Timira and Shani go off to play and Zazu and Binti keep watch.

Yeah, keep it up! This is still going quite wonderfully.
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby Akril » February 4th, 2010, 9:49 am

[quote="YFWE"]Another fantastic addition to your fanfic! There isn't TOO much to say here due to its brevity, but I enjoyed the backstory on Bianca... I'm interested to see how different, if any different at all, she will be from Zira in your fanfic.[/quote]
Yes, Bianca is Zira. Apparently Bianca was one of her earlier names (why Disney wanted to give her the same name as the delicate female mouse in The Rescuers movies is beyond me, though). Obviously, she is very much like Zira, though just how unlike Zira she is depends on each reader's interpretation of the "real" Zira, I suppose.

[quote]I'm pretty excited for next chapter... I'm sure there'll be some fun times had by all when Timira and Shani go off to play and Zazu and Binti keep watch.

Yeah, keep it up! This is still going quite wonderfully.[/quote]
Thanks again, and I believe Shani and Timira's little excursion will be fun for both them and the readers.
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby KiarasMate » February 4th, 2010, 10:00 am

Well, both Mike and YFWE already pretty much said everything that I would have said, had I actually posted before them, so without sounding like a broken record, I'll just say that this was another fantastic chapter in your story Akril. :) the only thing I had to sort of get past, myself that is, was the fact that Simba banished Bianca and company, just for being loyal to Scar, which much like Chaka himself showed, it was a bit hard to believe but if it makes your story work, I'm all for it. lol. :) Any-who, keep up the brilliant work my friend and I can't wait for Chapter 3! :)
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Re: "The Pride That Never Was"

Postby Akril » February 4th, 2010, 11:24 am

[quote="KiarasMate"]the only thing I had to sort of get past, myself that is, was the fact that Simba banished Bianca and company, just for being loyal to Scar, which much like Chaka himself showed, it was a bit hard to believe but if it makes your story work, I'm all for it. lol. :) Any-who, keep up the brilliant work my friend and I can't wait for Chapter 3! :)[/quote]
Thanks. It wasn't Bianca and her pride's loyalty to Scar that got them banished in this story, though. It was primarily because Bianca tried to kill Simba. Since Simba is talking to a young, impressionable cub, I thought having him say "she tried to kill me" would be a bit too much for a little cub to take, so I just had Simba say "she attacked me" instead. The chapters that follow will make it clear that Bianca really did try to kill Simba, though.
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