Stary Night ...Prologue

Stary Night ...Prologue

Postby Ushujaa » January 9th, 2010, 2:02 am

Prologue
Our story takes place in the shadowed lands of pride rock, where the water has dried and leaves have fallen. A young lion cub's tears could be heard throughout the cave where Sarabi, the once queen of the land tries to calm him.“Shh please, my little cub he must not find you.”
Nala, a young lioness comes running to the back of the cave. “Sarabi! Scar is coming, hide him quickly!”
If he were to be found he would be killed, for he was a descendent of the past king Mufasa. “I heard crying! you wouldn't happen to be mourning your husband, would you Sarabi?” Scar, Mufasa's younger brother had become an unjust king. He wouldn't let anyone even mention the name Mufasa, let alone mourn him.
“I'm sorry, but some of us have feelings scar. You wouldn't know anything about that though, would you?” Sarabi replied with a hint of resentment in her voice.
“Believe me Sarabi, I have more feelings then you would know and you certainly have done a good job in hurting them... Shenzi! Bonzai! edd!”
Several hyena came running into the cave three of which stepped forward “Yeah boss?” Shenzi asked
“I believe I may have found you some scraps of meat.” Scar said laughing as he walked out of the cave”
“You won't lay a hand on either of us if you know whats good for you!”
“ You know whats good for me? A nice piece of lioness!” Bonzai said as he started to laugh along with his hyena comrades
“Come on Sarabi, Grab the cub and lets get out of here quickly while they're distracted!” Nala rushed Sarabi out of the cave.
They ran for days to get away from the hyena's but if they stopped even if only for a second they would always here the maniacal laughter right behind them. “Nala, I can't keep running like this... I'm going to attempt to fight them off! Please take my son and run!”
Nala nodded “Be safe Sarabi!”Nala Continued to run with the young lion cub, they both were silent whether it be for the lack of things to say or in fear the hyena's were still on their tails was unsure.
Then the young cub spoke “Is, my mom going to be ok?”
Nala didn't know what to say, so she stayed silent for a few moments... finally she responded “I really don't know.”
“How could we just leave her there like that?” The cub asked
“She did what she had to, she needed to make sure you got away from them!” Nala snapped at him. The young cub started to cry.“I'm sorry I shouldn't have yelled. It's hard for me too she was a good friend of mine... So what's your name?”
He started to snuffle “My name is Ushujaa, it means Courage...but you can call me Shujaa if you want. ”
“You can call me Nala, nice to meet you...”
“You to!” Ushujaa was excited to finally make a friend. The two lions made there way out of the Pride Lands...
Edit: Yeah sorry its so long i wasnt really sure how i should go about breaking it up :innocent:
Last edited by Ushujaa on January 9th, 2010, 2:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
Ushujaa
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Re: Stary Night ...Prologue

Postby KiarasMate » January 9th, 2010, 2:09 am

A very nice prologue to what I'm sure will be a very interesting story Ushujaa. ^^ You have a pretty good writing style and your story has sparked my interest so I'll be keeping a watch on this one. Only suggestion I can give at this point, would be to make sure that you break up the text a bit, so it's not just one huge paragraph, especially if your upcoming chapters are going to be longer, which I hope they will. :) Other than that, it's shaping up nicely and I'm looking forward to reading more as you post it. Keep up the awesome work my friend. ^^
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Re: Stary Night ...Prologue

Postby CheetahCat » January 9th, 2010, 2:23 am

I really liked your prologue, Ushujaa. ^^

Your writing style is really interesting and I'm going to be following your story until you finish it. :) I don't really have nothing to criticize right now, but spacing out your text on future chapters will be a nice improvement for you. ^^ Everything else seems fine to me and I'm looking forward of reading more of your fabulous Fan Fiction in the future. ^^ I can't wait to see what unfolds!
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Re: Stary Night ...Prologue

Postby YFWE » January 9th, 2010, 3:00 am

Hey Dean,

I agree with KM and TS, you've got a good story going here so far! Also agree with the breaking up the text thing... that's always a VERY good thing to do as it makes everything so much easier to read. I also recommend changing the spelling in the title (it's Starry, not Stary :) ) and fixing a couple of other little things (like always making sure you capitalize proper names, and other minor spelling errors) for your next chapter! I do like this storyline, though... I'm also definitely eager to see where Ushujaa will fit in to the larger TLK story. Yes, I'm very interested to see where this story goes. Just work on those things everyone else suggested and perhaps what I suggested and you should do just fine. C:
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Re: Stary Night ...Prologue

Postby Simbaholikov » January 9th, 2010, 2:53 pm

Good, good,

This is an excellent prologue to what I can tell is going to be a great story
Its good to see that you are developing Ushujaa more, and as the others have said, fix the spacing and minor grammatical errors and spellings and it will be much easier to read :)

EDIT: Ah, didn't see that you had put it all together in one post, ignore this
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Re: Stary Night ...Prologue

Postby K0PA » January 19th, 2011, 12:12 pm

this is a excellent start to wat i am shor will be a great story

Keep up the good work my friend. :D
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