[Lion King One-Shot] Mufasa & Simba's Night

[xLilacVixenx]

The grass rustled softly as Simba's paws treaded past them. His face was drooped with anguish and remorse as he continued to walk to his fate...to face his father. Surprisingly, Simba felt himself lower downwards; he checked under his paws and saw a deep curve where is father's paw had placed itself on. The small cub glanced up at his father and tears almost sprung to his eyes, yet he held them back. He could never cry in front of his father...it didn't feel acceptable to him. In the same way, he could never live up to his father. He was far too brave and noble for Simba.

Slowly lifting paw after paw across the grass with the diming sky in the background, his stomach lurched and his heart pounded wildly. There was no telling what his father would think of his unacceptable behavior. As Simba got closer, he realized now was his time to listen up, and be prepared for his punishment. He warily set his bottom to the ground and glanced up at the looming figure of Mufasa, his father. Mufasa's face was stern, but it softened for a moment as he spoke,

"Simba, I am very disappointed in you."

Simba closed his eyes hurridly and drooped his face to his chest, "I know," he answered, ashamed at what was done.

Mufasa then became stern again as he warmed up to the subject. "You deliberately disobeyed me. And what's worse, you put Nala in danger!" His voice now rose as his temper grew.

At that same moment, the small cub breathed in and out rapidly as hot tears threatened to drip down his face. With the words choking in his mouth, Simba croaked, "I was just trying to be brave like you."

Mufasa noted the sad tone in his voice, and he once again softened. "I'm only brave when I have to be. Being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble."

A small smile escaped Simba's lips as he spoke, "I guess even kings get scared, huh?" His father nodded solemnly. "But you know what?" Simba asked in a whisper, with that daring glint sparking in his eye once more.

Mufasa leaned in closely and whispered back, "What?"

"I think those hyenas were even scareder!" His father chuckled as his hugemongous arm wrapped around Simba sneakily.

"Heheh, because nobody messes with your dad! Come 'ere!" Mufasa grabbed Simba in his arms and noogied him with this one paw. The noogy itself was painful, but Simba managed to push himself out of his father's grasp and tackle him. They both, father and son, galloped gaily until they tackled each other to the ground. Simba climbed up his father's body and rested his chin right above Mufasa's head. His face burrowed deep into his father's thick, reddish-brown mane. He sighed with contentment at his happiness.

The stars above were now shining brightly; the sky had faded down to a dark blue, and the daytime had passed. The air was now cool and crisp, not the same crisp you would find in the morning, but a dark glow heavied on the two lions as they gazed at the stars in wonder.

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And that is all I have so far and how much I will ever have. I got kind of bored after this part and I didn't want to continue. I hope you had nice reading, though! (:

[Azdgari]

Nicely written, Vix. A nice oneshot doing a wonderful job of portraying a scene we all know well (and for those of us that don't just, we can just look at your sig! ^^).

There's a typo in the second sentence, she instead of he for Simba. Just noticed it and thought I'd let you know.

One thing from a constructive criticism standpoint that stuck out for me was, and I just said this to Arbarano as well, there was a lot of repetition. The word paw was used five times in the first two paragraphs, 'acceptable' was followed shortly after by 'unacceptable', and you get the idea. The english language lavishes upon us a wealth of synonyms! Use them to your advantage. ^^

Similarly, this sentence is awfully repetitive in and of itself: "He sighed with contentment at his happiness." I understand what you're saying, but this isn't quite the right way to phrase it.

One additional thing to work on is what I was taught in school as 'showing vs. telling'. Basically, it means be as descriptive as you can, but not in a normal straightforward way.

For example: "Mufasa then became stern again". This is all well and good, but to go above and beyond, you can 'show' your readers instead of 'tell' them. You could say "Mufasa straightened up and his eyebrows narrowed once more" or something to that effect.

And this is a lot of constructive criticism! It's not by any means an attempt for me to tear you down as a writer; on the contrary, I think you have tremendous writing potential and I'm being hard on you for precisely that reason. Your writing is already wonderful and enjoyable to read, but I think you have the ability to be even better. ^^

[xLilacVixenx]

[quote="Azdgari"]There's a typo in the second sentence, she instead of he for Simba. Just noticed it and thought I'd let you know.[/quote]

Ah, yes. I knew something had to come up since I didn't spell check and even though I read it over twice, it was my first fan-fiction on a new forum. Thank you for pointing that out. (:

[quote="Azdgari"]One thing from a constructive criticism standpoint that stuck out for me was, and I just said this to Arbarano as well, there was a lot of repetition. The word paw was used five times in the first two paragraphs, 'acceptable' was followed shortly after by 'unacceptable', and you get the idea. The english language lavishes upon us a wealth of synonyms! Use them to your advantage. ^^[/quote]

*Nods*

At one point, I was dreadfully concerned about using "Mufasa" and "Simba" too much, but I could find no other way of calling them by name. I understand what you are saying and thank you once more.

[quote="Azdgari"]Similarly, this sentence is awfully repetitive in and of itself: "He sighed with contentment at his happiness." I understand what you're saying, but this isn't quite the right way to phrase it.[/quote]

Ah, thank you for pointing that out, but could you please give me an example of what that would be correctly? (:

[quote="Azdgari"]One additional thing to work on is what I was taught in school as 'showing vs. telling'. Basically, it means be as descriptive as you can, but not in a normal straightforward way.

For example: "Mufasa then became stern again". This is all well and good, but to go above and beyond, you can 'show' your readers instead of 'tell' them. You could say "Mufasa straightened up and his eyebrows narrowed once more" or something to that effect.[/quote]

Hmm, I've seen you use that a lot, lol. And it works excellent for you, so I'll try to follow this advice. I can understand what you mean; as I told you, I was a little worried about some parts of repetitiveness, but I just shrugged it off. Guess it wasn't a good idea, huh? Lol.

You know, I'm actually quite pleased that you gave me criticism. Usually I just get praise, whereas you gave me some good advice that could help me improve. No, I didn't take this as mean at all. I know the difference between constructive criticism and being mean. And for your sake, I may re-write this. What are your thoughts? (:

[Mike]

Aww =) That's so nicely written. Good job ^^

[Arani]

good job on this! Loved it! ^_^

[atouchofgrace]

I love it! Good job.

[Azdgari]

Hah, don't rewrite it for my sake! If you rewrite it, do it because you want to. ^^

As for a proper way to rephrase that sentence... well the problem is contentedness is a synonym for happiness so it's essentially saying "He sighed with happiness at his happiness." Now I'm a bit confused! xP Who is happiness at who's happiness? =P

[Jiirani]

Aw, sweet <3 Nicely written :3 and if you have trouble thinking about how to address the characters and their names getting more repetative, you could just refer to Simba as the 'young cub' or something of that genre, you know?

Loved the story though <3 Very sweet and well done <3