Confused about a few things.

[MusicLion101]

Eeesh, this is gonna be long.

Well, I was talking to someone earlier about aspiring to become a "better person". It got me thinking. But I wondered, what is better and what isn't? Some qualities work better for people in different situations.

What I mean is, in my current situation, I'm what my experiences have made me, Is this a good thing, no matter what?

I think I should post some things about myself to make things a little less vague.

First of all, I have never placed my trust fully in someone. My family has always had a kind of "mental warfare" thing going on, my dad being a main proponent of it, so I guess thats part of the reason. Another reason is, I got turned on by a lot of my friends when I was younger, and for a number of years, my dad wasn't really there to correct me when I did wrong, which eventually lead to my arrest at age 12. I wouldn't say I've had a solid foundation in the span of my life, but I live with it okay because it feels normal.

I grew up in a 3 bedroom house, but when my dads business went under, we lost it. This was another turbulent time that shaped me in many ways. We rented a house to avoid homelessness (it was a small house with tiny bedrooms and a wierd smell, but we made the best of it) and we've been on the move since then.

We live in a reasonably nice rented house now, and despite having little money, we get by in relative comfort. Recently my dad told me that him and my mum are splitting up, so thats going to be more moving about.

The past year has been particularly turbulent too. I got into a very serious relationship with a girl who I loved very much, and it didnt exactly end great. I didnt eat for about two days, and filled in the hours sleeping or crying about it. That shook my head up a lot too. I cant really get feelings for anyone after that lol. that added to a lot of this.

When my grandad died in 2006, the family kinda drifted. Him and my nan would alwas come and visit us on Saturdays, and we'd spend the day together, but without my grandad driving and my dad at work all the time, us and my nan couldnt really see each other very much, and as a result I feel less close to her than I used to.

I'm rambling way too much now, so I'll stop.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, I'm an untrusting, aggressive, brash, perhaps even ruthless person that very rarely sees good in people. I could aspire to be better, but what WOULD be better? The situation and my life experience as a whole has shaped me into being like this and its kept me alive so far, so what could be better? I know being forgiving will just get me trampled on, being open will get me laughed at and will give people things to use against me. I just dont really know how to be anyone apart from who I am now. I guess you could say that I feel like theres a sort of war going on all the time.

Any thoughts on this? Sorry if its all a little unclear, this is literally spewing thought straight to paper (or keyboard lol) .

[thanigraphics]

Well, I think it's good to think about who you are right now, and what you want.
I have a simple rule about people for myself: Never put more effort in someone, than that someone puts in you"

If people are worthy to trust, they will make you feel okay and you will trust them in the end, automaticly.
But take your time with it, you're young and not yet totally developed into an adult. Besides that, you did not have a very solid family situation. I'd say, from my point of view, just take it easy, live by the day, do the things you want to do and focus on the things you HAVE control of. Like, choosing a career, job, or maybe an education.
People will come and go into your life automaticly. You can't push those things, they'll just happen to you. And maybe you will "fail" several times in friendships, but as long as you learn from it there's no unovercomable problem.

Good luck with it...

[Mike]

You're in a terribly difficult situation buddy and I feel for ya :\ Let me see what I can say...

You're right in saying that each person, including you, is the sum of their experiences. Given that, I think the best thing you can possibly do is try to work to manage which experiences you have. If you can extend yourself and truly connect with the people most dear to you in life, like your mom and nan, it'll become easier to do so more in the future.

if you're a /b/tard as well as an EDiot, stop. Just stop posting. I spent a week as a /b/tard and it was about the most depressing and messed up week of my life. I had many "lulz" and I enjoyed myself on /b/, but it's not just talk when they say that /b/ melts your brain. It actually does have a corrupting influence. Like you said, you're the sum of your experiences, and if you experience /b/, or even ED on too regular a basis you will become the sum of those sites, which is not a pleasant thing.

Finally, don't try to change yourself. That's a lot harder, if it's even possible, than changing your actions and reaching out. Think abou it as changing your actions, not your character. Your character will follow naturally.

[MusicLion101]

Trust me Mike, I know all too well the effects of ED exposure, and as for /b/...I lasted five minutes just LOOKING at the damn place.

As for the other stuff, the problem is mainly that I can't really connect with them that well anymore, i dont know why. I'm not sure I have a strong bond with family anymore. I get on really well with them, but the bond just isnt as strong as it was back when I was a kid.

and thanks for the rplies you two, I really thought people would get a bit bored with the TL;DR nature of the post (lol mike)

[thanigraphics]

TL'DR? what's a /b/tard btw? and what does ED mean? just curious.......

[KingKivuli]

damn you never even told me half this stuff. no matter. im behind you all the way if you need help. heck you've saved my skin enough times its the least i can do

[MusicLion101]

[quote="KingKivuli"]damn you never even told me half this stuff. no matter. im behind you all the way if you need help. heck you've saved my skin enough times its the least i can do[/quote]

Because theres really no need to mention it in a conversation, and I dont really wanna bring you down with it, cos you have your own stuff to worry about.