Eeesh, this is gonna be long.
Well, I was talking to someone earlier about aspiring to become a "better person". It got me thinking. But I wondered, what is better and what isn't? Some qualities work better for people in different situations.
What I mean is, in my current situation, I'm what my experiences have made me, Is this a good thing, no matter what?
I think I should post some things about myself to make things a little less vague.
First of all, I have never placed my trust fully in someone. My family has always had a kind of "mental warfare" thing going on, my dad being a main proponent of it, so I guess thats part of the reason. Another reason is, I got turned on by a lot of my friends when I was younger, and for a number of years, my dad wasn't really there to correct me when I did wrong, which eventually lead to my arrest at age 12. I wouldn't say I've had a solid foundation in the span of my life, but I live with it okay because it feels normal.
I grew up in a 3 bedroom house, but when my dads business went under, we lost it. This was another turbulent time that shaped me in many ways. We rented a house to avoid homelessness (it was a small house with tiny bedrooms and a wierd smell, but we made the best of it) and we've been on the move since then.
We live in a reasonably nice rented house now, and despite having little money, we get by in relative comfort. Recently my dad told me that him and my mum are splitting up, so thats going to be more moving about.
The past year has been particularly turbulent too. I got into a very serious relationship with a girl who I loved very much, and it didnt exactly end great. I didnt eat for about two days, and filled in the hours sleeping or crying about it. That shook my head up a lot too. I cant really get feelings for anyone after that lol. that added to a lot of this.
When my grandad died in 2006, the family kinda drifted. Him and my nan would alwas come and visit us on Saturdays, and we'd spend the day together, but without my grandad driving and my dad at work all the time, us and my nan couldnt really see each other very much, and as a result I feel less close to her than I used to.
I'm rambling way too much now, so I'll stop.
Basically what I'm trying to say is, I'm an untrusting, aggressive, brash, perhaps even ruthless person that very rarely sees good in people. I could aspire to be better, but what WOULD be better? The situation and my life experience as a whole has shaped me into being like this and its kept me alive so far, so what could be better? I know being forgiving will just get me trampled on, being open will get me laughed at and will give people things to use against me. I just dont really know how to be anyone apart from who I am now. I guess you could say that I feel like theres a sort of war going on all the time.
Any thoughts on this? Sorry if its all a little unclear, this is literally spewing thought straight to paper (or keyboard lol) .