The Fawn of Rising Woods

[Zoketi]

Aww, that's depressing. >.>

[quote="Cherish"]our story's mother[/quote]
I'm not sure whether it should be capitalized or not, I just usually would have capitalized right there. If it's fine like it is, then ignore this. :3

Poor Flower.

[Misiziri]

It shouldn't have been capitalized, although it does sound like it should have been.

Any critiques and what are any major cons/flaws of the story?

[Zoketi]

[quote="Cherish"]"Yay, woo-hoo!" The 2nd sister cheered as she bounced around through the flowers. The 1st leisurely strolled around, enjoying the viewing and sniffing the spring wildflowers, blooming in profusion all around her. [/quote]

I just got confused about which is which sister. I thought the more outgoing on was the firstborn, but up there doesn't it refer to her as the second? Or is it just the second sister being overly happy?

I don't really have any other corrections, I'm not to good at editing.

[Misiziri]

2nd for second born.

Okay, thank you

[Misiziri]

Reread this for the first time in almost a year.

Wow. Not as bad as I imagined it would be. I think I might continue this.

[Misiziri]

Alrighty. Let's take another crack at this. I think part of the writing in the first was cheesy so I'll definitely fix the hell out of my word choice but I still like the plot I chose, how animals have to constantly live in fear of everything. If you read this, give absolute honest opinions. You won't hurt my feelings. You think the writing is cheesy? Plot sucks? Character's personalities too thin? Too cliche? Tell me! And suggest improvement if you can. Sorry if I sound demanding. Anywhozers, let's go!

***

Tiny little Leaf brashly continued to look the predator in the eyes. Her mother had fled the area into Rising Woods. Meadow, however, could see her daughter from afar.

The cat let out a muffled chuff and turned around. One reason reason she did not attack this insolent deer as well was because her cubs were whining for her to return. She slinked into the overgrown grass like a phantom. After the terrible situation, the entire field had a ghostly, haunting atmosphere.

The intensity died down to allow the fresh memories to sink in. Leaf's body was tense, and she stood still for a few minutes until she burst into the woods. Her mother's scent guided her to safety and some comfort. Tears streamed down Leaf's face as she buried her head into Meadow's leg. Her emotions conflicted inside her. Heartbreak, sadness, and even fear. Yet the strongest of all was anger; anger towards her 'cowardly' mother.

She desperately wanted to sink her venomous words into her mother's mind, poisoning her memories and filling her with guilt and remorse forever. But she wisely chose not to speak. The venom of her words instead seethed and festered inside her own mind.

Coward! Cowardly, stupid, scared... f-freak!

How could you? You were two times that dumb cat's size, you could've took it!

Ugly, stupid... monster! Why did you run? One day I hope these woods all disappear and you won't got nowhere to be a coward no more! Maybe that'll teach you not to abandon your daughter...

Regardless of her feeling's towards Meadow, her mother's nuzzling and reassurance still offered soothing comfort. The acidic thoughts become mere water and soon she fell asleep. Meadow laid down and snuggled her body against her shivering daughter's. She slept lightly, as she did every night. Listening, watching, feeling the countless presences of the woods.

Dawn. A tired sun rose ever so slowly into the sky, struggling under its own mighty weight. Meadow didn't have time for exhaustion. She had to be stronger the the sun. She hauled herself up and immediately scanned the area. Clear. She nudged her daughter. Leaf's eyes opened. Moments later, the memories that had turned to water came flowing into her mind.

Flower's throat soaked in blood redder than a wild rose. The fangs of a heartless beast sunken into her little sister's neck. And her mother doing nothing but fleeing.

"Leaf?" Her mother whispered.

"I'm awake," she replied.

"You're lucky to be awake. I almost lost you yesterday..."

This early in the morning? She's gonna start with me this early? Leaf thought to herself.

"Yeah, well it's because of you Flower's dead! You're a weak, stupi-"

"Listen to me for once in your life!" Meadow spat, "There was nothing I could do! Sometimes things just happen, and I have no choice but to run. Safety is-"

"All that matters to you, I know! Ugh, that's so selfish! Do you only care about your own safety?" Leaf wailed.

"No, I-" Meadow defended.

"Yeah, you do! All you care about is you. I'll bet your even happy that Flower's gone. It's one less thing for you to worry about, isn't it?" Leaf shrieked.

Meadow paused for a moment before her response. Although she had made it a priority to defend them both, it was the truth. Two was beginning to be just too much to bear.

"And-and after I grow up, you're just gonna have more babies so what does it matter if you lose a few? You're just gonna pop out more! Isn't that what you think?"

Though not entirely true this time, she had a valid point.

"What about you? You just stood there in front of that puma. You endangered your own life! That was the most idiotic and insolent thing I've ever seen you do, and that says something seeing as to how it's you we're talking about!" Her mother shouted, outraged.

"I've never seen another deer like you. Deer run. Deer hide from the things that want to kill them. You. Are a deer! This behavior is unacceptable! One day, oh I just know it, you'll lead some hungry beast right to us and we'll both be meals!"

As soon as Leaf opened her mouth to fight back, Meadow stamped her hoof on the ground. "Enough!" This time it was a hoarse whisper. She realized how loud their argument had been. Meadow gestured for Leaf to follow her, acting as if no words had been exchanged that morning. Leaf reluctantly followed.

Deeper into the forest they went, rich, yellow sunlight now replaced by an eerie dark green. Meadow realized, as she had previously spoken of ending up as a meal in some beast's stomach, that the season was beginning. The weather just the same as the previous one, all the conditions ripe for the hunting season to begin again.

[Zoketi]

You've improved! <3 I like this, it went into their thoughts more.