My Lion King Forum

When the Lions finally were out of the Pride Lands they continued into the pitch black night,
“Alright I think it's safe to stop here for the night.” Nala lied down under atree near a little water hole they found...
“Where are we headed anyway...” Ushujaa said slowing down. He started to pant, feeling like they had been running forever.
“Let me worry about where we're going...” The truth was that Nala didn't know where they were, She sighed and looked into the water hole.
“Well, goodnight Nala...” Ushujaa lied on the ground on the other side of the tree.
Once Nala thought Ushujaa was asleep she started to plan which way to go... Quietly she started to talk to herself. “Oh Simba... I wish you weren't gone I need you, here... with me...”
The leaves started rustling in the tree's “Who's there?!?” Nala roared. A baboon popped his face out so close to nala it startled her. “Whoa, you scared me...”
“Rafiki didn't scare you, you scared rafiki!” He laughed to himself “But it's ok, you were wrong!”
“How did I scare you? And how was I wrong!?!” Nala said confused.
“ You Said Mufasa's boy is gone, if that's so where did he go to?” Rafiki questioned.
“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he died a long time ago...” Nala said depressingly
“Wrong again... He's alive...” Rafiki started to walk away...
“Ushujaa get up we've got to follow him!” Nala said as she shook Ushujaa in an attempt to wake him up
“Whats going on...” Ushujaa sleepily mumbled as he woke up
“Time to move come on we've got to follow the monkey...”
The two lions chased after the baboon through the Desert. He suddenly turned around to them he put his finger to his mouth almost as if to quiet them...
“Is this where Simba is!?!” Nala interrupted
“Shh look into the water and you shall see!” Rafiki cackled as she looked
“All I see is my reflection...” Nala sighed “That was a dirty trick! Playing with someones emotions like that!”
“It's no trick... maybe you're friend, will see what you don't! After all four eyes are better then two!” he said laughing as he walked away.
“It's not funny!” Nala roared as she lied down and started to cry.
“ Nala please don't cry here let me look...”
Edit: I figured out the spacing problem but i dont know how to fix it... any place where theres an indentation there wont be on the post i really don't know why so im just going to keep trying to fix it :oops:

Pretty good first chapter here Dean. ^^ Your character's dialog is believeable and like before, your writing is easy to follow. I would like to get to know Ushujaa a tad bit more, seeing as he seems to be the main character of the story, but this is only the first chapter, so I figure there is still plenty of time for you to draw out his personality and traits. Other than a few minor grammar mistakes, this is still very enjoyable and I look forward to chapter two. Yeah, the spacing is hard to get right when just copying and pasting text. You really have to go into the edit field on MLK and space out your sentences manually. Either way though, it's still a fun read and I hope you'll keep up the fantastic work my friend. ^^

This is a good start on your first chapter here my feline friend.

I like how the dialogue is going and your original character is quite interesting I must say. ^^ I'm looking forward of reading more of your Fan Fiction in the near future when the events start to unfold more. I'm curious to know what Ushujaa's personality traits will be when you get them fully developed in the next few chapters. hehe. ^^ Overall, keep up the fantastic work on your writing my friend and I'll be reading more on what you develop. ^^ I can't wait to read a more elucidate chapter when Ushujaa shines.

Impressive start here, very easy to read and follow, as the other 2 here have said develop Ushujaa more and you will achieve great things

Can't wait to see more of this as it develops

agen a verey cool storay hop to hear more soun