My Lion King Forum

What is our purpose in life? Who knows... All I know is that my true purpose was hidden from me till the end. This is my story my legacy. The Legend Of The Shadow

Pridelands - Enter The Legend

It was another dark day. The lands were quiet, still with no life. Dark thunder clouds were starting to form in the sky. Down the the edge of Priderock, the late adolescent, Kivuli, looked up at the clouds and smiled. 'Thank the great kings' he said 'Just when I thought the rain wouldn't come, it looks like it will' As Kivuli pondered about the approaching storm he heard a scuffle from behind him. As he turned his head to look, Kivuli saw it was a rat. A big rat at that. Perfect snack. He rose to his legs and stalked the rat till it stopped. In one quick precise pounce he caught it.

Kivuli licked his lips. As he went in to eat his kill another lion appeared in front of him. It was Scar 'What have you got there boy? Hand it over' Scar was very demanding in his request Kivuli was not worried in the slightest. Despite being younger, Kivuli was big for his age, almost as big as Scar. He replied 'Its my lunch Scar and there's no way your getting it, you already have had food. I haven't in 2 days. This is my kill' Scar was taken back with the reaction and spoke even harsher 'Hand it over now boy' Kivuli responded by taking the rat and eating it in just a few gulps 'Get it now your highness'

Scar was raged 'How dare you defy your king' Scar then raised his paw and swung for Kivuli. The impact left two gashes on the left side of Kivuli's face as it began to drip with blood 'Let that be a lesson boy. Ill deal with you later' Scar then walked off. When he was a short distance away Kivuli muttered to himself 'Your no king, you're a tyrant' With that Kivuli lay down
and tried to clean the blood off his face which was running down and dripping off onto the rock and dust below

While cleaning himself off, someone was walking past behind him. It was the lionesses Sarabi and Sarafina. Two of them were the leaders of the huntng parties, and on their way to organise one. That was until the blood pawed Kivuli got their attention. Immediatly they went over to him. 'Kivuli?' Sarabi asked. 'What happened?' Kivuli turned his head to greet the lionesses, reveling his scared eye 'That tyrant is what happened. He did this cause I ate a rat he wanted' Sarabi looked in horror. She then stepped forward to the adolesant 'Here I'll help you clean up' Sarabi began to gently lick Kivuli's eye to clean the blood away. When she was done the damange could be seen 'It looks like he missed you actual eye Kivuli. However your are going to have to bare those scars forever' said Sarabi in a slightly motherly tone. 'Thank you Sarabi. I thought I would have perminant damage' Kivuli replied

Sarafina lowered he head to the ground. She was almost crying. 'I don't know how much more I can take' She whimpered 'First Mufasa and Simba die. Scar takes over. Now my daughter is missing. I dont know if I can take this' Sarabi comforted her life long friend with a hug. Kivuli stood up and walked over 'Sarafina?' He said. The lioness looked over into his red fire eyes 'I have a feeling Nala will come back. Dont worry. As for Scar, I've decided to take this into my own paws' The lionesses looked a bit confused at his statement. 'What do you mean?' Asked Sarafina 'As the oldest male left I feel I have a duty to this pride' He replied 'I am going to train, so that I can challenge Scar, beat him and take his place' The lioneses were speachless. They did not expect such a brave stance from Kivuli

Eventually Sarabi managed to summon up words to speak 'That is a brave and noble thing Kivuli, but you're so young. You could be killed' Kivuli's eyes we ablaze. He was ready to do this. 'I would rather take my chances with an uncertain furture, than live in a definate world of destruction' The lionesses thought for a moment. They looked at each other and nodded in agreement. Any future was better than this. Sarabi spoke up yet again 'You have our support Kivuli. How can we help?' Kivuli's face became washed with quite possibly his first ever real smile. 'I need to go find my brother so we can both train. It would be best if you could keep Scar off my back and get the lionesses ready' Sarabi nodded in approval. Letting out a smile herself. Sarafina even pulled one off. 'Thanks' said Kivuli 'Good luck' With that he ran off down the hill and off into the barren lands

Awesome first page, and if you like, you may use Laini .

Sounds good so far, KK. I'm looking forward to reading the rest and continuing in the Journey of the Shadow.

Excellent!

wow that was amazing like reading a book! gosh it felt so real like i was watching another movie

Nice job as always KK. ^^ This is a nice alternative to having to sort through page after page of the actual RP and it's interesting to see how you yourself, would want the story to unfold. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this thread. ^^ Only thing I can suggest is to make sure to reread your posts, just to find those few spelling mistakes, but other than that, it's good stuf. ^^

Good job =) This has encouraged me to take an active role with Sarabi now in the actual RP Though I might not be able to for a day or two.

I enthusiastically second KM's suggestions for improvement ^.^ little mistakes might not seem like a problem, but they do indeed have a negative impact on the flow of the story, and they influence a reader's mental picture of the scene, blurring it somewhat. I suggest reading what you wrote aloud, that catches most of what can slip bye if you just write it and post.

EDIT: one other thing actually: I know it's not strictly an approved literary technique, but I'd bold the dialogue so it's easier to see.

thanks for the advice ill look through it now. im hoping to maybe throw out another couple of chapters today

I'm excited for the rest of the story KK! You are a great writer and I could easily picture what was going on and felt comfortable reading it, if that makes any sense at all. Lol I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say it's 8:06 am and I haven't slept yet
Just know that I love it! Lol

The Shadows Brother

Kivuli was heading towards the graveyard to look for his brother, Kokota. He usually spent time out there just playing around.
Kivuli was moving at a good fast pace. He was focused on beginning training as soon as possible. As the adolesent's mind wondered
he failed to notice another lion running from left side. Mind you this other lion didn't take much notice of Kivuli. He was moving
at a similar pace. It wasnt until the last second both lions noticed each other, and were unable to stop themselves. They collided
smacking heads together and knocking each other down

Kivuli looked over at the lion, rubbing his head. The lion was his brother, Kokota, who had both paws rubbing his head and his
muzzle was facng down. Kokota spoke up 'Ow, damn. Why don't you watch where you going?' Kivuli burst out laughing and walked over. 'Thats not a nice way to greet you older brother is it?' Kokota looked up to see a familar grey muzzle in his face. He breathed a sigh of relief 'Oh it's only you. I thought you were a hyena or something' Both lions smiled 'I could have been. What have I said about going off alone?' Said Kivuli. Kokota looked a little sheepish. Kivuli had always been protective of him since ther mother died. He responded 'I know, I know. Don't do it cause I could get caught and...' Kokota then saw that Kivuli had two fresh scars across his eye '....WOAH WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?'

'Scar attacked me cause I didnt give him a rat I caught' replied Kivuli 'Sarabi and Sarafina helped me out and I came to a
decision. I'm going to train myself so I can fight him and take over. I could use you help' Kokota was taken by suprsise at
his older siblings request. Kokota had never been offensive in his life. He wondered why Kivuli would ask him to train, so he
asked 'Kivuli. Why do you want me to train wth you? I don't fight' Kokota's face was filled with concern. Wondering what he was going to get himself into

Not one for leaving his brother out, Kivuli gave the honest answer 'We are the only ones with a chance to do this. If we train together we both get stronger by sparring' Kivuli then stared straight into his brothers eyes. 'Besides if I fail, you need to fight to free our friends' Now Kokota was scared 'What me fight? Kivuli I dont know. Im not like you. I dont know anything about fighting' The elder lion walked forward and hugged his brother 'Ill teach you. Dont worry. I know you can do this. We have to to do this. For our pride' Kokota confided in Kivuli. He trusted his brother. 'Ok brother, let's do this' The two lions then began to run toward the graveyard for their training