My Lion King Forum

Alright so that is a Fan Fiction I just came up with. A group of young lions and lionesses (2 females 4 males, one male is a cub.) are chased away from their home after causing to much trouble, and have to survive alone. They have to get along with each other, work together, and learn together to survive. I'll post the first Chapter soon! For now here is a little sneak peek:
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Nyah ran, breathing heavily and bleeding in a few places. She looked back. The Hyena's were still chasing her, and gaining rapidly. She thought back to the others, who she thought hated her, and wished she was with them at this very moment. She now regretted leaving, and prayed that there was some way, some miracle that would let her survive and go back and say sorry. But, as she heard their breathing coming closer and closer, she abandoned any hope of seeing the light, or feeling the warmth of the sun on her back ever again. At that very moment, the Hyena's stopped. Nyah ran into something, knocking what ever it was over. It was another lion. Three more lions raced past and attacked the small pack, who quickly turned and ran into the darkness. As Nyah slowly got to her paws, she realized that her prayer had been answered as she looked strait into Lisha's eyes.
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So ya, I'll post the first chapter soon, tonight or tomorrow. This should be a fairly long fan fic.

Hey Arani, interesting story idea! I'm interested to see how it plays out. Would you like some critique on this sneak peek? I only ask because if it's just that, a quick sneak peek, there's no need for me to dig into it. Let me know! ^^

Thanks! Do what ever you want, I'll most likely have the first chapter up today.

Chapter 1: Lisha

Lisha awoke at the crack of dawn. She yawned and stretched, then looked around. Her friends all slept peacefully around her. She counted heads. 5. Everyone was there. Her little brother, Tobi, rolled over between her paws, seeming to be having a fun dream. Lisha carefully stood as to not wake anyone, and quietly walked out of their small den and into the sunlight.

It had been a month since the group's exile. They had traveled a long way since that day. They were all friends, but all very, very different. Lisha was the second eldest of the group. She had very dark fur and dark brown eyes. She was quiet and concealed, but also very motherly and never left anyone behind. Tobi, although they were brother and sister, had very light colored fur. He was playful and energetic cub and constantly needed attention. Only after their exile did he become less dependent and more independent. Like his sister, he was very watchful over everyone else.

It wasn't long before Afua joined Lisha outside. He sat next to her as she watched the sunrise. They never exchanged a word, but they didn't need to. Afua was the eldest of the group, which made him feel like the eldest brother in the “family”. Everyone else came before him. He let them eat dinner first, and often gave them cover to escape if the got into trouble. He had a rusty-red mane and light brown fur.

Then, Tobi came running from the den and pounced right on his sister's back, making her jump. “Ha! Scared ya, didn't I?” He rolled off her back in a fit of laughter. Lisha gave him a smile.

“You're gonna wake everyone else up with all that laughter.” She said, glancing towards their temporary den.

“Aw, they're all half awake anyway.” He said through giggles, getting onto his paws. He strode up and set himself right between Lisha's paws in his usual manner that meant that he was not going to move. “They're just to lazy to get up at the moment.” She glanced at the den again to see Nyah pad up to the mouth of the den. She stretched in the sun, then sleepily walked over and sat on the other side of Afua.

“Morning.” She said, half yawning. Her eyes were half closed.

“Why so sleepy, up all night again?” Afua asked her, nudging her to make sure she wasn't asleep. She shook her head no.

Nyah was the spitfire of the group. She was always ready for a good game or something exciting to do. She wasn't much older than Tobi, but was old enough to be called a young adult. She had almost no color to her fur, which made her green eyes stick out more than usual.

Just as Nyah left for some water, Hondo and Montsho stepped out of the den. The two of them were the same age, and looked so similar that anyone could swear that they were long-lost twins. They both had a dark pelt, but lighter than Lisha's. They're mane's were also a dark color, but Lisha's fur was still darker. Their only difference was the color of their under-belly's. Hondo's was much lighter than Montsho's.

“Hi.” They said in unison before following Nyah to the small pond nearby, Tobi on their heels.

“So, which way today?” Lisha asked, glancing at Afua. He shrugged.

“I guess we should keep going South, but we should talk to the others and see what they think first.” Lisha nodded and stood. She shook out her fur.

“Come on, lets go.” She said, walking towards the pond. Afua followed. When they got closer, they saw Hondo and Tobi “wrestling”. Nyah and Montsho watched in amusement as Hondo let Tobi win.

“Pined ya!” He shouted, laughing and jumping up and down.

“Ya ya, you got me. Stop jumping on my stomach will ya?!” Hondo exclaimed, pushing him off. Tobi kept laughing until he saw Lisha and Afua watching.

“Hi!” He said, getting to his paws. “Did you see? I pinned Hondo!” He said, very proud of himself. He almost immediately laughed again. Lisha and Afua both smiled with amusement.

“Yes, we did see.” Lisha playfully shoved him. “Alright, we keep moving South. Is everyone okay with that?” She asked. Everyone nodded.

“Not like there's anything else to do.” Montsho said in boredom. “Why can't we just settle down somewhere instead of traveling all the time? This is a nice place, lets just stay here.”

“We can't, not until we're older, at least.” Afua said, looking to the horizon. “What if another Pride or something wanted this area? We're to young to fight them. Once we're older and more experienced we'll be able to find a place to stop and stay and we'll be able to defend it, but for now, we need to travel and grow stronger.” Montsho nodded understandingly.

“What's in the South anyway?” Tobi asked, putting his front paws on Lisha's leg. She looked down at him.

“Our great granddaddy said that if one was to travel, the best direction to go was South because we should travel the longest in that direction.” Tobi nodded, but still didn't seem to understand. “Alright, lets go.” She said. Everyone stood, and they started heading South again.

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This was like an intro type of thing. It'll get more up to speed soon! Chapter 2 will be up ASAP!

Aright, and we're off! Nice setup! I tend to enjoy fics like this that follow a close little gang of characters as they go on a journey, so I'm really looking forward to seeing this flesh out! I liked the second half of this chapter; it was fun to begin to see the dynamics between the characters and how the family interacts.

One thing that would be helpful is to establish a setting: where is this going on? You mention it's in a den, but a short paragraph describing where they are, i.e. in the savannah, on a grassy knoll, under a cliff, etc, goes a long way towards helping the reader visualize the action.

Additionally, from a grammatical standpoint, lets actually has an apostrophe, let's. There's also a small theirs vs. they're error about midway.

They're mane's were also a dark color, but Lisha's fur was still darker. Their only difference was the color of their under-belly's. Hondo's was much lighter than Montsho's.

You nailed it the second time, but the first one should be 'their' as well. ^^

Just a few things I'm throwing out; for the most part this is shaping up to be a fine fic Arani! I'm excited to see more and see what the road south brings for the gang!

Thanks!

Yes I make mistakes like that a lot. I just cant seem to spot them lol. Thanks for the feedback and tips, chapter 2 will be up soon! ^_^

Chapter 2: Tobi

Tobi happily jumped around the small group as they made their way through thick grass. Their paws left small indentations in the grass. Tobi stopped and looked down, his excitement fading. One of the gang's paw print's was just in front of him. He set his in the middle with a frown.

"Tobi?" Lisha called. He looked up.

"Coming!" He called. He made his way towards them, jumping from paw print to paw print. He eventually ran into Lisha's leg. She looked back with a smile but kept walking. He smiled back and ran up under her belly for shade. "Can we eat soon?" He asked, his stomach growling for meat.

"Hmm, I dunno. See anything to eat around here?" Nyah asked, scanning the landscape. "I don't see an antelope or zebra anywhere."

"When you don't see Antelope and Zebra, it's probably best to keep moving." Afua did a 360 sweep. "We'll get food somewhere else."

"But when?" He asked again. "We haven't eaten in forevvvverrrrr!" He let is head hang in exhaustion.

"We ate yesterday morning!" Honda exclaimed. He bent down and looked at him. "That's not long."

"Maybe not for you." Tobi groaned. "Why is it a good idea to keep moving if you don't see anything to eat?" He asked, looking at Afua.

"It means that the grass around here is bad, or we're in someone's territory." Tobi gulped and looked around.

"They're not gonna... you know, attack us, are they?" He asked nervously.

"No, we're fine. If there were Cheetah's or Lions or something dangerous around here we'd know about it by now." Lisha said, glaring at Afua. He gave her an apologetic smile.

Tobi nodded. He then ran ahead a little bit. The grass was taller than him so he instantly disappeared from view. Only the grass shaking marked his position.

"Don't go to far!" Lisha called after him. He kept going though. 'I am brave. Lets see what's out here.' He thought to himself. As soon as he cleared the grass, he skidded to a stop with a scared expression. "Lisha?" He called quietly. She was soon coming up behind him, the others close behind.

"Something wrong?" She asked. He never broke his gaze from something up ahead. She followed his gaze and gasped. They others soon saw as well. There was a Pride of Lions lounging in the shade in a group of tree's in the plains near them. From the cliff that they were standing on, they could see for miles. But they didn't look at the view. There's was more than one very large male in this Pride, not to mentions lots of females and cubs.

"That Pride's a lot bigger than our old Pride..." Nyah whispered.

"Come on, lets get around before they pick up our scent." Afua said, pushing the others to move along.


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I know, the beginning is a lot like the Simba/Mufasa's pawprint thing in TLK, but it'll all explain itself later. ^_^

I think there are two schools of fic writing; short, quick updates or less frequent, longer chapters. Looks like you're more a fan of the prior! It can make it a little harder to review, though, just because there's so little to go on. Short and sweet, though! Will the gang get past this pride or will they run into trouble?

Critically, I'd suggest maybe running through it just one more time before you post it. There are a few nagging apostrophe/grammar errors that give me pause in an otherwise engaging read. Look out for repetition as well, there are a couple words you use a few sentences in a row that sound a little funny. Just my two cents! ^^

I didn't really have anything to write for Tobi yet... It'll probably alternate between short and long, depending on where we are in the story. I read through it a few times and I fix as many mistakes as I find, but I don't see all of them and my word program is totally useless. Repetition huh? Alright, I'll fix that best I can.

Thanks for the reviews, it's really gonna help me out in the long run!

*Double*

Sorry I haven't posted anything. I've been very sick and having a writers block. I'll post the next chapter when I can!