My Lion King Forum

This is my first fan-fic.. well on this website... but don't go all nice on me. I wanna know what I can do to improve my writing. Please

Chapter one: First days

"He's beautiful!" Queen Siarcha (Maximus' mother) excitedly said. The birth of Price Maximus was earlier. He was presented to the jungle pride. Another very important pride, other then the Pride-Lands. "He is." King Galahaad (Maxumis' father) whispered. Galahaad never wanted a male cub. He wanted a female cub. So he wouldn't have to train the cub. Maximus has a light brown pelt with a pale brown mussel. An 'Outlander' nose. Equip with very bright blue eyes. Siarcha thought he was beautiful. Galahaad hated him before he was born.

Time has past, and Maximus was a healthy cub.
"Mom! Dad! Wake up! Auntie Alexx is about to have her cub. She needs help!" Maximus yelled trying to wake up his parents. "Maxxy , she doesn't need help. She can do it by herself. Like all lionesses do." Siarcha explained in a weak , tired voice. "Ohh.. well bye!" Maximus said racing out of the cave.









Well, hope you like it

Ah, what a lovely change of pace! Usually people have headings like "No bashing, no crit please" but here we have a writer who really wants to improve! How refreshing!

One thing I would look out for are fragments, or incomplete sentences. You've got quite a few of them in here. A sentence needs a subject and a verb and, perhaps more importantly, it needs to convey a complete idea.

For example, [quote]He was presented to the jungle pride. Another very important pride, other then the Pride-Lands. [/quote]

These are two incomplete sentences. Merge them into one sentence to make a complete idea and a complete sentence:

[quote]He was presented to the jungle pride, another very important pride.[/quote]

Put them together to form one complete sentence.

[quote]He wanted a female cub. So he wouldn't have to train the cub[/quote].

Same thing.

[quote]He wanted a female cub so he wouldn't have to it.[/quote]

See? So try to look out for those.

Another thing to look out for; you have a period at the end of a quote/dialogue.

[quote]He is." King Galahaad whispered.[/quote]

You actually use a comma there.

[quote]He is," King Galahaad whispered.[/quote]


Other than that, the story is pretty grammatically sound. It's a little short for me to make a judgement, but I'd love to see where you go with it! Nice to see a new face in the Fanfics forum! I look forward to seeing what you come up with! ^^

Thanks for the help I'll be sure to try your advice.



Chapter two: Friends

Maximus ran out of the cave, then saw his best friend; Nuduka. "Nuduka! Wanna play?" He yelled towards him, running at him as-well. "I would love too!" Nuduka said happily, leaping for joy. Nuduka has a medium brown pelt, with light brown mussel and underbelly. Complete with green eyes, four dots under his left eye, an 'outlander' nose, and a large tuff. He was also, Nuka and Dotty's son. Dotty came to this pride after Nuka was killed, then gave birth to his son. Who is almost the splitting image of his father.

Maximus pounced on Nuduka and pinned him, "How Come I always win?" He asked nicely. "Well if you haven't noticed. You always sneak attack me. So I don't have a chance to fight back, then it ends up with you winning." He scientifically said, Nuduka was very smart. No one would notice it was Nuka's son if he didn't look like him. "Oh, well then. Next time I will have to tell you I am pouncing on you!" He laughed, then got off of Nuduka. "Are we still friends?" Maximus asked, scared he would say no. "The best of them!" He replied smiling. "Lets go then!" Maximus said racing off towards the ponds. Nuduka followed.






Did you like ? I think I forgot to mention.. Maximus has an English accent. Well, remember don't be easy on the criticism!

A lion with an english accent? xD

A little bit short so not much to go on. A couple grammatical errors sprinkled in (watch the 'to' vs 'too', a few comma misplacements, etc). I'm interested, though! Keep it up, Kopalover! ^^

Well, maybe he's a South African lion. South African's sound alot like the British. I like your story so far, you have me hooked. But can you watch you spelling errors. It's hard to see, I know.

I can not really offer more feedback than Az and Rosewarrior already have. But I can say that I am enjoying reading this so far so well done. I do no usually enjoy stories where the chapters are this short; I prefer having time to read a nice lengthy chapter but I guess that comes down to preference and writing style.
I would have mentioned that he had an English accent during the story though, not just add it in as a note but that is about it. But that is about it, will be interesting to see how this progresses, I think.

Thanks Guys , Chapter 3 Is now

Chapter 3: Run away

Nuduka and Maximus played in the high grass fields and the jungle all day. It was getting dark and the cubs decided to go home to there parents. Well for Nuduka, he just had one parent, sadly. "I'll see you later Nuduka!" Maximus happily said to his best friend, both entering the den, yet their paths separated. "Hey dad!" Maximus said to his father. King Galahaad whipped his head around, he seemed angry, very angry. "Maximus, may I speak to you." He paused. "Outside." He continued, walking out of the den. Maximus followed orders and ran after his father. They kept walking for maybe 5 minutes, but as soon as they were out of sight Galahaad sat down. "Maximus, hurry up!" He growled, with pure hate in his eyes. Maximus ran to sit infront of his father, and to lighten the mood, Maximus acted happy. "Yes father?" He faked the happiness. Galahaad stared down at his cub. "You little worthless thing. I never wanted you. Why couldn't you just be a girl!" Galahaad roared out. Maximus had tears in his eyes, this happened every few weeks, yet he still wasn't used to it. "F-Father, I-I can't C-Choose what to be." He smirked, Galahaad toke this the wrong way, and struck the cub with his claws. "DAD , OUCH !!" Maximus cried out, he had blood coming from the two cuts on his nose. "DON'T CALL ME THAT, I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FATHER!" He roared, thundering the ground. Galahaad ran back to the den, not waiting for Maximus.


Maximus sat there, and cried. He didn't know what time it was when he stopped, but he knew he needed to clean up. So he walked to the river and started cleaning his face and body. Just after he was finished, he heard cracking of the ground and leaves. "Whos there?" He growled, he kept watch then a frog came jumping out of the place he heard the movements. "Just a stupid frog." He laughed. It was late, and very dark, Maximus had no idea where he was going, but he still kept walking, until morning. He noticed a giant pile of rocks. "A new home!" he happily yelled, as he started running towards the rocks.

He reached the bottom of the rocks and started admiring them. "I could like here!" He smiled. Running up the ledges to get up. When we got up, he saw other lions and got scared. They noticed the young cub, they noticed his fresh scars. The dominate male walked towards him with a caring smile. "Hello young one. Can we help you?" The male asked. "W-well, I got these cuts from m-my father." Maximus stuttered. He was scared out of his mind. "My name is Kopa, that over there is my Queen Vitani, and there is our pride and joy, Sira." he smiled, very welcoming. "A-Are you accepting me into your pride?" maximus got happy, he didn't want ANYTHING to do with his other pride. "Well, not yet. You have to past some test-" The king got cut off my his mother. "Son. He's a cub, Kopa. Who was abused, let him join without the test." She smiled at Maximus. Maximus bowed, "Thank you, Ma'am!" He smiled. She smiled as well. "I'm Nala. Former Queen." She said to Maximus. Finally he was being accepted. What about Nuduka? Maximus thought. Well, hope he has fun.



Like ? Dislike ? Mehh ?