   yeah I've been kinda moody lately, especially at the MLK forum, last night, I'll just say it that way ->  .... I just say it this way(appropriately) below, unlike the venting tirade I expressed last night **lioness blushes**... ,; 
I have allot of issues stemming from past events i had no control over that happened to me, as they affected my life in extreme and drastic ways, I never saw coming  ??!
I know the prollem for me though, I dont know how to talk to "others" about my issues, I really want to, they have told me i can even,, but I choke    like someone knocks the air outa me, as I go completely lioness flat on the ground like a tire with a big hole in it, every time i try to get up the nerve to chat about it..!  ...I dont know completely why?? maybe I have no confidence?! or I dunno??
Ok, well so anyways, I was so drained after last night's emotional blast that went off inside me, I overslept till 13:00 (1pm) today, i dont normally do that, but I think I may be overloading/overloaded emotionally.....
secondly: I know why too this's all happening with me emotionally: I'm not religious or anything, but daddy lion is well a Jew, like me, and a Rabbi, he is what he is when it comes to issues and things for me in particular, he say's ("Cleopah give it to God, you dont need to be telling about youre Issues eg airing you're dirty laundry?! Just let it go...").......I'm leik  Yeah that works for him, but not for me, as I tell him back, (Secret's keep Lionesses sick mentally and physically..Thats why you NEED to tell someone or others, that you can trust.") oh yes then daddy lion says, ("Well Cleopah you're in the "Flesh" and what has it given you??, pain ,sorrow, misery??!) .....I usually snarl at him, literally lioness style and quit talking and walk away burning angry   at that point..cause I'm SO tired of all the arguments we've had....daddy lion says he listens and hears me, but I still feel like he only hears what is (Logical) for his reasoning as to how, (He) will handle it...not how I'll handle it..he's trying in my eyes to tell me how I should be.... but I'm Not him!!..
and his EX wife and I had a three year stint, geeze I'm not even going there, except to say ...she and I were like this (pictures please, Timon)->      <- (yeah it was like that!!)
I mean he loves me I know that, but I dont...well..I dunno, I have been thinking about it, i havent bonded with him, due to past events in my life..that altered my forever my perception of how do I say this, (Paternal Parental) figures in my life...I just cannot bond with him, I'm SO not comfy with it, I can't even conceive the thought of it or bare to think of doing it.....I kno I kno I sound like the worlds most horrible lioness daughter...  .. but its the way i am cause of stuff that happened/and is still happening to me..., daddy lion has come to terms with it though, we dont always get along often, often I am very very authoritative/combative verbally towards him , or always very very aggressively defensive towards him , like I want him not to come near me, just to stay away from me, or even talk to me, I admit its more on my end than his....I feel terrible about it, but I cannot bare the thought of a love/bond for/with him, I literally get physically ill when i do.. ..
Because when i tried prolly 3 years ago to bond with him, I went crazy nearly, I was having really bad mood swings, nightmares of (past events) that haunted me, I felt very very violent towards him ... so i had to quit after trying for a year, he was good about it...but we've grown very very far apart, like a divorce has occurred literally, I talk of leaving him allot, cause I just want out of this, but I'm too young legally speaking....so I stay, by law only..and believe me we've had some fierce arguments about that too......as the US State i live in by law locally/federally have deemed me (100% incompetent/legally blind/Mentally/Physically Handicapped) So by the law IRL I cannot marry, drive, vote or live on my own/by my self ever, the law put me in his custody permanently.. i remember that day well in court.... I also feel trapped in my life.... I feel like i cannot get away from it..I have NO friends here locally where i live, to see me, or family of any kind, locally.....I've been isolated allot intensely for years as dad lion is trying to protect me, and keep me out of a mental institution....
I just feel so conflicted, about so many things...gawd i mean I'm concerned how I'm going to bond with my New mommy lion, he's going to marry, eventually....This TAIYO Pride RP me and Sis Saskia are doing with (Medhu) my RP mommy Leopardy is awesome, it could not have come at a better time, cause it gives me the chance to learn some kinda bonding skills to a RL mommy lion, and express my feelings for her.... as I depicted in my latest pic of me and Medhu bonding here at MLKFAA.... this's good for me. so at least its a start... I'm not trying be a sour wet lioness blanket on things, just I'm trying to deal with my life, in some way....I've no normal coping skill's to anything, thats what daddy lion says, but my (coping skills) as I call them are ALL I've known/had and developed...
So what can i say... I'm just I dunno dealing with my life, the only way I know how to, as I've known no other way..specially after my IRL mom lion left me, 10 years ago, for her own agenda, what ever it was???? this did not help me get ready for life, nore teach me a family oriented learning/bonding, not including what others did to me before and after to negatively reinforce my maladaptive/maladjusted habits that have left me..the way I am.... So this's how it is... as I put here in more appropriate terms......but hey were all pathetic in our own ways, i'll admit i am!   (Hey dont you look at me like that???!! You know I am too XD   
Well everyone I'm gonna derpy lioness paws around the MLK Forum area..I'll see you later!  |
